Carrying the message one alcoholic to another: choosing, using, and being a sponsor.

“Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice.” (Page 96, Big Book)

This is the long and the short of sponsorship in the Big Book. Big topic, one line.

What is advice? Information about how to do the programme, plus an assessment of the person’s situation and what might be done about it.

Why does it say nothing else? Perhaps because that’s it. What it could but does not say draws the line very tight around the business of advice.

How do you choose one?

If one has never completed the first nine steps, pretty much anyone who has will be a suitable sponsor, provided there is baseline competence plus a degree of compatibility. This run through the steps is about the nuts and bolts. Someone pretty free timewise, with not too many sponsees, a little way ahead, is ideal.

Local is better. In rural areas or places with little or shoddy AA, a geographically remote sponsor is often necessary.

Someone one knows already is better than a stranger. This avoids wasting time with people who turn out to be mismatches. Someone whose sharing one is familiar with is as much a stranger as someone one has never met. Sharing is not intimacy. I remember meeting someone at an AA conference who I thought, from their sharing, was, say, a hippopotamus. After talking to him one to one, I realised he was, in his interactions with me, a maze, a set of knives, a crenelated wall. The person on public display is not the person one interacts with one to one. How one chemical reacts, if at all, with other chemicals depends on the other chemical. This is why ten different people have ten different view of the same person. No one experiences the person: each experiences a particular reaction, each contributing their own part to that reaction. Lithium in contact with water produces hydrogen, explosively; in contract with nitrogen, dark-red, solid lithium nitride. You wouldn’t guess either by looking at it. It looks like aluminium, which does not react either with water or nitrogen.

No need to get someone decades ahead. Most people, whatever they think, will not have the stomach for that until much later. Don’t try drinking from a fire hydrant unless you’ve had plenty of practice. Wait till there’s literally nothing else for it before asking such a person, and, even then, brace yourself.

There are exceptions to this: hard nuts to crack will sometimes need a sponsor with greater experience. Even then, a little goes a long way. I’m still reeling from one comment in 1993 and another in 2001.

Once the steps have been completed, and the person is sponsoring lots of others and doing lots of service, a switch can sometimes be necessary to ensure that there is a body of personal experience available to help handle this. This increases the chances that a remote sponsor will be necessary.

What sponsorship is not about is forming a special relationship with a person, finding a father figure, outsourcing one’s decision-making, hoping something about the person will rub off, seeking to impress others, being part of a lineage, a network, or a private members’ club, wanting to hang out with someone you find interesting or funny, or seeking attention, intimacy, validation, or indeed anything other than knowledge and experience. Sow those desires and reap bitterness.

Having a relationship with a sponsor is not having a relationship with the person. It’s having a relationship with the sponsorship avatar, which bears a family resemblance to the person but is not the person. The sponsor as Magic Eight Ball. The sponsor as vending machine. I made the mistake of thinking I was forming a relationship with the person, and when it became apparent I was no further ahead with the person after years of sponsorship, I was a little shaken. I remember, twenty years ago, a sponsor saying, ‘You know we’re not friends, don’t you?’ The sponsor is the almost invisible hand on the tiller, not someone else on deck. 

“We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.” (Page 72, Big Book)

“To watch people recover, to see them help others” (Page 89)

A lot of sponsorship processes don’t work out, but some do.

Once someone has made at least one amend, all of the effort up to that point has been well worth it.

Even if things subsequently break down, at least that was done.

“Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice.” (Page 96, Big Book)

How have I chosen a sponsor?

I have quite a few sponsors over the years, and quite a number in the first ten years. I would pick someone I already knew, with whom a relationship had already developed organically, where the interaction was already reciprocal and cordial. Just because I have heard someone speak in meetings does not mean that I know them.

One does not propose marriage to a stranger, and one does not ask people on dates who have never shown the slightest interest. When I was new, I approached quite a lot of people to chat at meetings. Some responded well. Others less so. Were the ones who responded less so wrong? No. People have good instinct. There’s always a good reason for aversion, even if it’s impossible to put one’s finger on it. There is such a thing as compatibility, and that compatibility is best determined by experience. Incompatibility is not a judgement on either person but a brute fact.

When such instincts are not followed, and the potential sponsor reluctantly agrees to ‘help’ someone who has fixed their sights on them, the incompatibility usually scuppers the process further down the line. Then the individual is back where they started. 

“Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.” (Page 86, Big Book)

The best way to live is to rely simply on God providing one of these three, each step of the way.

Until the building is built, scaffolding is required to keep it up.

That means following rules, systems, procedures, and others’ advice, for a while.

But at some point that has to stop.

“God did not give us the right to decide what is for anyone else’s good” (ODAT, 31 May)

There are relationships where my legitimate role is to instruct, and, in such cases, I’m usually administering a predetermined course not devising it, but most relationships do not fall under this heading. In any case, I’m not the decider.

Thus, in sponsorship, the main job is explain what’s in the literature, listen to inventory from a technical point of view—does it answer the questions asked?—and talk through application of general principles to specific situations.

But I’m not interested in other people’s recovery in a personal sense. This takes the pressure off everyone.

“Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice.” (Page 96, Big Book)

A while ago, I heard the phrase, ‘working the steps with a sponsor’.

Of course, until one has acquired technical competence, one might well need a sponsor as an overarching presence. The instructions in the book are largely self-explanatory, especially if one has access to a few tapes to listen to, but it’s rare for someone to have the wit and wherewithal to work the whole through themselves, so there’s great utility and no shame in having a sponsor ‘take you through’ until you’ve got the system under your belt.

Once one has acquired competence, however, the time has come to take responsibility for effective step work. A sponsor is still required firstly for confession and secondly for talking through knotty situations, but that’s it. There’s no need to remain an infant, and there’s no need to hunt around for ever more techniques and sponsors to unlock some sort of esoteric knowledge. There’s sometimes a fetishization of sponsorship as a magic gateway to a higher realm. That’s not what it’s there for. It’s there to show you how to use a knife and fork to eat your dinner.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said. “God ought to be able to do anything.” (Page 58, Big Book)

Is there a limit to how many people one can sponsor?

In practice no, in the sense that, even without erecting artificial barriers or pulling up the drawbridge, the numbers seem to sort themselves out. God always shows me a way of saying ‘yes’—presuming I’m the right person for the job—in a way that ensures the sponsee gets sponsored properly plus my other obligations get fulfilled and I get to have a nice time in life generally. To the extent there is a genuine cap, God seems to take care of that in that people stop asking when I’m genuinely at capacity.

Sometimes they’re best off with someone with just one other sponsee, because they require several hours a day, or with a newer person, because the identification is better, and I redirect, but the facilitation and redirection takes place because of reasons specific to the sponsee, not my schedule, availability, wishes, convenience, or other obligations.

It is through the people brought to me that my other problems are solved, so to forego helping others because of my other problems is to actually prevent God from solving my problems.

Thus, I’m always willing to have the conversation.

God can do anything.

“I will be always ready to carry the message to others. The need is all around me if I keep myself alert enough to recognize it.” (ODAT, 30 November)

When the student is ready, the master shows up. The same works the other way round. When I found I had a message to carry, suddenly people started asking me to sponsor them, as if by magic.

There’s never any need to be lonely or idle, as long as one isn’t picky. There’re enough people around, and enough of those are in trouble in ways that can actually be remedied through benevolent and appropriate intervention.

There will always be service to perform, and there will always be work for me to perform to earn God’s wages: freedom from self.

“The Traditions tell us, for example, that the officers of a group are its leaders. Guided by the light of Tradition Two, they will not dominate or direct, as sometimes happens when a strong-willed, opinionated member insists on holding office term after term, and makes decisions for the group.” (ODAT, 20 November)

I can’t dominate or direct, but I can contribute.

I do this in two ways.

Firstly, by directly contributing in a business meeting or group conscience meeting.

Then, I say whatever it is, briefly, simply, and ideally without heat or rolling eyes, and then I can it. The idea doesn’t need to be repeated, explained, or sold. Any idea that is not instinctively bought, that can be bought only if sold aggressively, is usually a bad one. Good ideas dispel darkness, cut through Gordian knots, and are immediately embraced by the majority.

The second way is sponsoring others (whether or not such sponsorship is termed ‘sponsorship’) on the application of the principles of the Steps, the Traditions, and the Concepts.

If I find myself emotionally embroiled, I am best off ducking out of the discussion. No discussion needs me. It needs the group, and I’m just one element of the group. There are always others to act as channels for God’s direction and will.

It is only God who should do the dominating and directing, and, for that to take place, there needs to be surrender to God, in other words a relinquishment of the desire to dominate and direct.

“12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” (Page 60, Big Book)

Once sponsorship has ‘worked’ and one has become functional and effective, resorting to the programme when there are emotional difficulties, and relying on God, there’s much less use for intensive sponsorship.

That does not mean it’s over. There will be questions and issues that arise. For the sponsor to respond to those effectively, they have to know what’s going on.

A good way to convey what’s going on is to report in on a regular basis on the three aspects of Step Twelve: spiritual condition, message-carrying, and principle-practice.

“I will remind myself that the only vital thing is to apply what I have learned—to make it work for me in all the happenings of my daily life.” (ODAT, 27 October)

Al-Anon for me is chiefly about the content of the programme.

When I’m in a healthy condition, the people are fine and come and go.

But there’s no pathological attachment (whether positive or negative).

The unhealthy attachment:

Sometimes one hears a tape and then hunts for every recording of that person.

Sometimes one hears someone at a meeting and immediately asks them for sponsorship.

Sometimes one buys a box set but then never watches past the first episode.

Sometimes one watches an episode and wants the plot to change.

Sometimes one asks for sponsorship and then tries to stipulate how it’s going to work.

The problem: the desire to acquire and control the source even though the product is freely available.

In such a situation, the product is the pretext, not the purpose.

The underlying problem: one doesn’t even want the product; the aim is supremacy.

The aim is to defeat that which appears to be in authority.

The real beef is with God: Who is in control? Him or me?

Sponsorship becomes the proxy battleground.

To attempt to devour; when the object of the devouring refuses to be devoured, the object becomes the enemy.

This dynamic I learned about in sponsorship, and then I saw it playing out in other relationships too, both with individuals and institutions.

“She plays the mother role and treats him like a child who wouldn’t know what to do without being told.” (ODAT, 11 October)

This can play out in sponsorship.

The sponsee phones with a complaint about something, and the sponsor responds with a suitable answer. In most cases, the sponsee already knows the answer. Every time this happens, the sponsees infantilises themselves even further and makes it harder to come to the solution the next time. The problem is further embedded in the sponsee; the solution is more firmly located in the sponsor.

Sometimes after a sponsor repeatedly turns a question back on a sponsee who does in fact have the ability to apply the programme, think it through, and arrive at a solution, the sponsee says, “But if you’re not going to answer my questions, what’s the point in sponsorship?”

That’s a reasonable question.

But the answer to that lies also lies within the sponsee.

“If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself.” (Page 96, Big Book)

Sometimes people say that the opposite of addiction is connection.

I’d say it’s detachment.

When people detached from me, I got sober.

When I detach from others, I get well.

Then I can relate properly, with appropriate distance and mutual recognition of private and common ground, on a non-entangled basis.

But first: disentanglement.

The following are all extracted from Chapters Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten:

1.   When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him.

2.   If he does not want to stop drinking, don’t waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity.

3.   … be patient, realizing [you] are dealing with a sick person.

4.   Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.

5.   Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. … Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval. … ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.

6.   If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him.

7.   Neither should [you] hysterically plead with him to do anything … wait for the end of his next drinking bout.

8.   … [do] not … be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.

9.   Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed.

10. When he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. … Give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree.

11. If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady.

12. … be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. Let him draw his own conclusion.

13. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him that possibly he can—if he is not too alcoholic. But insist that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself.

14. Even though your protégé may not have entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got well. Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely.

15. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.

16. Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. … To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. … call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink.

17. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties.

18. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own.

19. Make it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn’t see you again if he doesn’t want to.

20. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him.

21. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for crusade or reform.

22. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you.

23. Offer him friendship and fellowship.

24. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.

25. If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind.

26. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.

27. If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience.

28. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer.

29. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself

30. He … says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice.

31. Be certain … that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter. Permit that and you only harm him.

32. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be.

33. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

34. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.

35. When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do.

36. If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer’s family how that was accomplished.

37. Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.

38. Try not to condemn your alcoholic … no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.

39. There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don’t let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave.

40. The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. … Patience and good temper are most necessary.

41. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion.

42. Attempt … to put yourself in his place.

43. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

44. … after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else. Just would he like to?

45. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone.

46. Avoid urging him to follow our program.

47. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed.

48. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself.

49. We never, never try to arrange a man’s life so as to shield him from temptation.

50. If he gets drunk, don’t blame yourself. God has either removed [the person’s] liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and [the person] can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.

51. … the impression that he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite.

52. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse.

53. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.

54. This is not to say that all alcoholics are honest and upright when not drinking. Of course that isn’t so, and such people often may impose on you. Seeing your attempt to understand and help, some men will try to take advantage of your kindness. If you are sure your man does not want to stop, he may as well be discharged, the sooner the better. You are not doing him a favor by keeping him on. Firing such an individual may prove a blessing to him. It may be just the jolt he needs.

55. But there are many men who want to stop, and with them you can go far. Your understanding treatment of their cases will pay dividends.

56. Next he can be assured that you do not intend to lecture, moralize, or condemn

57. Say that you believe he is a gravely ill person, with this qualification—being perhaps fatally ill, does he want to get well? … Will he take every necessary step, submit to anything to get well, to stop drinking forever?

58. If he says yes, does he really mean it, or down inside does he think he is fooling you, and that after rest and treatment he will be able to get away with a few drinks now and then? We believe a man should be thoroughly probed on these points. Be satisfied he is not deceiving himself or you.

59. After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action.

60. For most alcoholics who are drinking, or who are just getting over a spree, a certain amount of physical treatment is desirable, even imperative. … Whatever the method, its object is to thoroughly clear mind and body of the effects of alcohol.

61. … he should understand that he must undergo a change of heart. To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude.

62. We all had to place recovery above everything, for without recovery we would have lost both home and business.

63. When the man is presented with this volume it is best that no one tell him he must abide by its suggestions. The man must decide for himself.

64. In case he does stumble, even once, you will have to decide whether to let him go. If you are sure he doesn’t mean business, there is no doubt you should discharge him. If, on the contrary, you are sure he is doing his utmost, you may wish to give him another chance. But you should feel under no obligation to keep him on, for your obligation has been well discharged already.

“Look to yourself—it is there that all your answers are found.” (ODAT, 24 June)

Nothing can fix me. No one can fix me. Sure, some tools (instructions on how to take the Steps) come from the outside. But I’m the one that has to take them. Once the wrong attitudes and debris are cleared away, God and the path ahead are apparent.

The answer is not elaborate processes or special ways of highlighting conference-approved literature.

The answer is not infantilising myself and treating a sponsor like a dial-a-Ted-Talk, a diagnostician and treating physician, a parent, or a proxy mind.

It’s up to me to assess the facts, devise action using the programme, and get on with it. Others sometimes have a very small role in sense-checking the result of a diligent process: but as soon as this is relied on, the process becomes lazy. I have to proceed as though it’s just me and God. Only then do I really grow up.

I never ask general fishing questions like, “Do you have any experience on …?”, “What do you think I should do in this situation”, “Do you have any general tips, for …?” and put my feet up as I put Grandpa to work, performing the assessment that I should be performing.

Again and again, I’m faced with the fact that I have to listen to God, and then take the risk of doing what I’m told, even though there is no certainty my discernment is right. Once the first nine steps have been completed and the last three are bedded in as a way of life, there’s a far greater impartiality with regard to my own life that ensures objectivity, but I do not become infallible.

Fair enough, ask others, but others’ discernment might not be discernment at all: they have the tactical advantage that they’re not me, but they have the tactical disadvantage that they do not have all the facts and—worst of all—have been briefed on the matter by me; it’s the easiest thing in the world to present a situation in such a way as to elicit a particular answer. They also have their own issues.

At the end of the day, it’s between me and God, and, if I make the wrong decision, it’s my fault, no one else’s.

How, as an adult, do I live?

My job is to decide what to do by noting and assessing the facts of a situation and my obligations (both moral and practical), carefully considering the situation, applying the programme (steps, traditions, and concepts) to the material, along with my knowledge, experience, research, prayer, and meditation, exploiting all of the considerable resources available, both within and outside recovery, and discussing the matter with the people involved in the situation itself.

None of this is my sponsor’s job.

Of course, a sponsor or other spiritual advisor can provide guidance on practical matters, but their duty kicks in only once I have exhausted my resources and efforts and come up against a brick wall of uncertainty. The sponsor is not someone I should be attempting to outsource any of my responsibilities to.

If I do come up against a brick wall of uncertainty after exhausting my resources, the job is to succinctly present what, precisely, my uncertainty is. Then and only then do I seek input. But I do not plan this in advance or I start to rely on the sponsor to ‘catch anything I have missed’, and that licenses me to be lazy or sloppy.

Sponsorship should not be used as a system for infantilising the individual and outsourcing the responsibility for their life to another person under the guise of spiritual humility. Sponsors are not dial-a-Ted-Talk or proxy parents. They’re libraries, but self-service libraries. You have to know what you’re looking for and where to find it. I do not present raw situations to a sponsor as though they are not only the library but the librarian whose job it is to figure out what I need and go and rummage for it or to simply systematically present everything the library has to offer in the hope that something will hit the invisible mark.

The tendency of the sponsee to want to shirk responsibility and of the sponsor to want to shoulder it must be worked against by both.

Only then can the two have an adult relationship.

“When I am depressed and apprehensive, it’s a great help to call my sponsor or another group friend to talk things over. But I want to be very clear on what I am looking for. Do I want comfort and a straightening out of my thinking?” (ODAT, 15 May)

The first person in Al-Anon to help me, who themselves had been in Al-Anon for decades, provided no comfort but instead solutions.

I once phoned her and said, “I’m frightened my mother might commit suicide.” I thought she would reassure me. She did not. She said, “She might. I suggest you get used to the idea.” She was absolutely right. It was that way that peace lay.

What was the solution, schematically?

Firstly, to unwind the problem.

What was the problem?

How I was seeing things.

What things?

Everything.

If I was depressed, I was seeing things wrong.

If I was anxious, I was seeing things wrong.

If I had low self-worth, I was seeing things wrong.

If I was upset, I was seeing things wrong.

Essentially, I was wrong.

I needed to throw away the entire perception of the world, start with a fresh sheet of paper, and be instructed.

My feelings were not validated: they were identified as the upshot of error. When the error was corrected, the feelings changed. I was told not to sit with negative feelings (any more than one sits with a dirty kitchen or nits in one’s hair) but to systematically clear out my thinking, through the Twelve Steps, the slogans, and the book One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, in the same way that would clean a dirty kitchen or get rid of the nits.

Not sympathy: solutions. That’s really the most sympathetic commodity to provide.

As a result, I’ve learned to be at peace whatever the circumstances and to live an interested life regardless of anyone.

The programme is very simple.

But written step work, concerning as it does the recollection and presentation of emotions, beliefs, thoughts, actions, and consequences, can be very complex, because the situations are complex.

Sometimes the sponsor can help the sponsee untangle such situations with detailed, precise work. Often this has to wait until the sponsee is sober a few years and has been through the steps in a rudimentary fashion a number of times. Any attempt to do this too early will fail and result in the sponsee becoming disillusioned with the steps, with sponsorship, with the Big Book, with the programme, and even with recovery. This is counterproductive. In such instances, a very simple approach must be taken (see below).

Sometimes this is the case even with people who have decades of sobriety: the scrambled mental state has been baked into place over the years and can be impossible to unscramble. Sometimes the most disconcerting conversations are with people who are thirty or forty years sober but have not learned the skills of effective self-examination and coherent communication. A combination of self-deception, lack of perspective, mental laziness, impenetrable jargon, sloppy, abstract, and figurative language, false premises and assumptions, materialism, atheism, victimhood, poor guidance, and plain lack of critical thinking contrive to produce an impenetrable farrago of nonsense: however, the nonsense is the castle the individual inhabits and the identity they are wearing. The problem cannot be solved without making the person homeless and depriving them of who they (mistakenly) think they are. Only the very desperate are willing to undergo this processing of stripping back, and those who are decades sober are typically unwilling at this depth.

Let’s look at why this is the case:

For real interactive step work to take place, with the sponsor helping the sponsee to produce excellent step work, the sponsee’s mind must be working properly.

This means the sponsee must:

- Understand what the sponsor is saying pretty much first go

- Understand the nature, purpose, and context of the exercise in question

- Understand basic principles of doing step work:

               - completeness

               - accuracy

               - truthfulness

               - relevance

               - distinguishing the significant from the insignificant

- Understand instructions

- Be able to follow instructions

- Be able to manage their own process

- Have a fairly good memory

- Be able to retain information and ideas from session to session

- Be able to take good notes that make sense when later reread

- Be able to assemble various points into a coherent picture

- Have a settled story to tell about each situation under discussion

- Be able to distinguish the true from the false, in terms of feelings, thoughts, and facts

- Be able to articulate themselves coherently, avoiding:

               - abstraction

               - figurative language

               - therapeutic or new age jargon

- Be able to critically review their own work

               - identifying basic flaws

               - correcting basic flaws

- Be able to receive feedback without becoming testy, agitated, tearful, or evasive

- Be able to understand feedback

- Be able to implement feedback

- Be highly cooperative, avoiding manoeuvres to obstruct or divert the process

- Be able and willing to participate actively in the process

- Be able to engage in this process enthusiastically and, ideally, reasonably cheerfully.

Sadly, not many people are capable of the above. The above is a tall order, but there it is. That’s what’s required.

The reason why the process breaks down can be a lack of capability on the part of the sponsee, the sponsee being scrambled, or the sponsee being resistant, either consciously or unconsciously. It’s almost impossible to determine whether the cause being ‘unable’ or ‘unwilling’, as the result is the same. It’s hard, even for the sponsee, to lift the bonnet and see what is going on.

Funnily enough, reported mental illness does not seem necessarily to cause a problem. Psychoactive medication can, as can spending so long in therapeutic processes that have framed the narratives in a particular way.

Where the sponsee is incapable, scrambled, or resistant, the step work gets bogged down or goes in circles, and any material produced is complex, messy, and probably largely useless. Even if the sponsor succeeds in hammering the material into shape, that does not mean the sponsee will be able to do anything useful with it. The sponsor may produce an excellent result, but even that is out of reach of the sponsee. The process is dead in the water.

Essentially, we’re in a Catch-22 situation: the sponsee is incapable, scrambled, and resistant. The steps are the answer. But the person is too incapable, scrambled, and resistant to do take the steps meticulously.

What’s the answer?

“So it was comforting to learn that we could commence at a simpler level.” (page 47)

“What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic’s plight is, in my opinion, correct. As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help.” (page 43)

Simplification of process and output.

What does that look like?

The sponsor presents the content of the book.

The sponsee takes the best notes they can.

Keep written step work to the minimum required by the book: otherwise, every must be done in conversation. No endless text or email conversations. Keep written communication to a minimum as well.

With the necessary written step work (four and eight only), keep it basic, concrete, simple, and brief. No nuance. No detail.

The sponsee reads out their work. The sponsor points out obvious errors or omissions. The sponsee must then fix the work as best they can. Any attempt by the sponsor to get entangled in the work itself will fail.

As the sponsee stays sober, forms a relationship with God, and sponsors others, year in and year out, sanity, understanding, and coherence are established or restored. Over time, the sponsee acquires the ability to do more detailed step work. But this cannot be forced or taught; it can only come naturally, over time. When a certain level of maturity has been acquired, then a sponsor can really help improve a sponsee’s step work. Until then, no.

And if all that is ever possible is basic, concrete, and simple, that’s fine too.

“We help best by inspiring people to think through and solve their own problems. Otherwise we deprive them of the opportunity to develop experience and strength from working things out for themselves.” (ODAT, 7 May)

Even helping others with step work is usually impossible. I was mentally scrambled when I got into recovery, and neither I nor anyone else could unscramble the scrambled. God could, but that took time. Other people heard inventory, made specific suggestions in relation to Step Nine, and gave specific guidance on specific life situations based on sound recovery principles and their decades of experience; that guidance was invariably helpful. But people stayed clear of my mind.

Now the tables are turned, I recognise that the most effective thing to do is present the programme to others and leave them out largely of the process. If they want to listen and take on board what I’m saying, great; if not, that’s fine too. But I can’t unscramble the scrambled. They’ll have to sort that out with God.

“Suppose now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else.” (Chapter Seven, Big Book)

I heard someone say they were looking for a sponsor. There are no sponsors. Sponsors do not exist. Such a person is looking for something that does not exist. If such a person finds someone that thinks they are a sponsor, both they and the person are in a little bit of trouble. Of course, I’m being a little facetious. I know what people mean, and I’ve used this language. But the thing I should be after, when looking for a sponsor, is really sponsorship. I should be looking for sponsorship. It’s the content of the relationship, not the person of the sponsor that counts.

There are AA members who transfer their time to explain the AA programme, offer input on how to stay sober and apply the AA programme in one’s life, and provide a certain amount of support and encouragement. This time is diverted from their occupation, home life, interests, and etc. This is sponsorship. It’s given for fun and for free; the sponsor is the giver of a gift, not a service-provider; the sponsee is the recipient of a gift, not a service user; there is no entitlement; there is no transaction.

As a sponsee:

• I seek to be maximally diligent in preparing for my interactions with my sponsor
• I respect the fact that the time is diverted from the sponsor’s other activities so I make the time count
• As when receiving a Christmas gift, when I get something different from what I wanted, or more than I bargained for, I am gracious about it: no pointed silences, huffing, sighing, pushback
• For every hour I receive from a sponsor, I give many hours onwards to others.

"This mental attitude of teachableness" (Around the Year With Emmet Fox)

Teachableness = saying to myself:

• What I think is the case may not be so
• What I think is not the case may be so
• I do not know what has happened
• I do not know what is happening
• I do not know what will happen
• I do not know what is going on out there
• I do not know what is going on in here

If I 'know' the answers to any of these, I cannot be taught the slightest thing.

God needs a free hand.

“they pass through the well-known stages of a spree” (The Doctor’s Opinion, Big Book)

Here’s a pattern I played out for years into AA:

When they do something for me, I treat it as their payment of a debt towards me. I usually find something wrong with it, and am ungrateful, although I may express gratitude in order to secure the supply.

When they do not, I treat it as their neglect of their duty.

I expect others to do for me what I should do for myself, listen to my lengthy narratives, assess my situation, and then advise me what to do. I argue at various points but insist they continue.

I then go and do what I was intending to do, and things go wrong, except now it’s somehow everyone else’s fault.

If anyone rightly steps back, sets a boundary, withholds unhelpful helping, refuses to engage in the drama, or allows me to find my way out of the problem I found my way into, I view them as heartless.

I then play one off against another, to punish and to manipulate more service provision.

Only once everyone let me go did I rock-bottom, and only then did I really start to get well.

“for he has helped you more than you have helped him” (Chapter 7, Big Book)

Sometimes I think, in the world of recovery, I’m talking to myself. In fact, I am. One is the chief audience of one’s own message-carrying. I tell others what I need to be hearing myself. That’s why I’m saying it.

“But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.” (Chapter 9, Big Book)

Of course, as a sponsor, one is not ‘taking on’ someone else’s troubles at at all. Signposts (sponsors) are looked at for guidance then left behind, not leaned on.

A trouble shared is a trouble doubled. Sharing a trouble with an absorbent person results in that person acquiring the trouble themselves.

It’s now not just in me but in you.

Right-minded people in AA would see my troubles but then see through them as though they were not there, and then I looked again, and the troubles were gone.

The trouble isn’t the trouble, the trouble is the trouble I give myself about the trouble.

Once the trouble is gone, I’m left with facts and actions, neither of which are problematic.

“We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.” (Chapter 7, Big Book)

When asked how I am, I have a tendency to complain: in fact, my instinct is to cast around for some small, spindly woe, on the spurious grounds that I’m somehow being dishonest if I do not offer up on a silver platter whatever has irked or troubled me, in a sea of placidness and industry. If I am actually beset or preoccupied with something, that same instinct is thrilled, because now, it believes, I have licence to elicit sympathy for my long-suffering pains, although I am skilled at ‘spiritualising’ this by coating the exhibitionism with some sop to the programme, love, or God, which is all part of the dramatisation. I’ve stacked up vicissitudes, front-loading them into my narrative of the week, to so impress others with the burdens under which I am labouring that they will not dare attempt to cheer me up or offer perspective. I’ve even, to my shame, misused what are conventionally viewed as hardships, adversities, or even tragedies to elicit sympathy by playing up my bravery or bravura in the face of grief, challenge, or sadness even though I’m actually perfectly bonny.

This is all a hangover from my pre-AA days and my early days. Before AA, my identity consisted in my self-image as the tragic hero, sensitive, misunderstood, and maladjusted (oh, how titillated I was to see that in the Big Book: ‘Yes, maladjusted, that’s me! I’m simply not built for this world! There is no world where I might feel at home! I am but an exile from heaven knows where!’) Early in AA, I defended myself against solutions, because they seemed to require me to think less about myself and more about the tasks of the day. This seemed a betrayal of my ‘true self’ and also dreadfully inconvenient and time-consuming: the idea that I would have to do things, just like others, that I was one of a sea of humanity: what would be the point in going down that road? For a while, I actually preferred the unhappiness, because it had a rawness and urgency, and, I thought, an authenticity that the Stepford Wives, the sappy programme automata with their niceness and their Filofaxes, seemed to lack.

During this period, I was a ‘cannot or will not’. No one could yank, reason, or even attract me out of this state. The system had to degrade from the inside out: firstly because of the fear of alcoholic death, and secondly because of the fear of alcoholic life. Once the system collapsed under the weight of its own pomposity, I was willing and able. Turning this round, if someone else ‘cannot or will not’, I am best off remaining friendly but refraining from any attempt to convince or cajole. It does not work, it aggravates them, and it exercises me. Once someone ‘can and will’, then my job is to rise promptly and diligently to the challenge.

“There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.” (Big Book)

Pride is false attachment to anything transient. Being sponsored is very tough on the pride. Pride says, “I got this.” A sponsor says: “You don’t got this.” Pride says, “I understand this.” A sponsor asks: “Do you? Try again.” And then you get to question everything. Every idea, every belief, every thought, every behaviour. Why is this necessary? When things are not working, the problem could lie anywhere, and everything is connected. None of this is personal. What is being challenged is not the person but the ideas, the beliefs, the thoughts, the behaviours. This is certainly necessary when one is new. It is also necessary when there is a crisis or the realisation that one has gotten majorly off track. It is also necessary when one first switches sponsors. After that, things get a little easier, as the new system settles down, but there are going to be doozies where, to step up to the next level, one has to let go of old ideas, including those that one has ‘learned’ ‘in AA’. The process often also requires reading the AA literature as though it has never been read before, to see what really says (which is usually at odds with what one has learned in meetings). It usually turns out it never has been read before. There is a difference between letting the words pass through one’s mind, with or without regurgitation, and reading. There’s a difference between reading to find out what the person is really saying, with no preconceptions, and imposing on what one reads what one wants to believe.

“But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy.” (Big Book)

As long as one can learn to toughen up when having an idea challenged (after all, the idea is not the person, and being wrong does not mean one lacks capability), the process can actually become enjoyable and interesting. I have actually found it to be a great relief to be rid both of unhelpful ideas and ideas that I had accepted at face value without ever thinking them through.

When I have truly taken Step One on a situation and I ask for help, the person from whom I have sought help will present information and explain things.

If I run through what they're saying to assess whether I buy it, I'm sunk: I'm using what I have admitted to be a defective system to screen incoming information.

When I'm being a sponsee, my job is to make notes of what is said, say 'yes' and 'thank you', and then go away and assimilate the information. If I am able to assimilate the information, I go back for more.

I do not assess the material first. If I've decided I trust the person, I trust what they say.

Assessment is the sure-fire way to admit only what will not disturb the non-functioning system and repel anything that might act as a corrective or a remedy.

On the other end of the exchange, I listen out for how people say yes.

If they use the yes that means Keep going. I technically understand the words you're saying but I don't fully buy it; you'll have to try harder, and I feel impelled to re-explain, amplify, or convince, I stop the conversation right there.

I was once interviewed by a potential sponsee, beyond the legitimate questions about my experience, recovery practices, and how the sponsorship might work, to a detailed auditing of how I approached particular steps, to make sure that I came up to scratch.

I've since learned to back out as gracefully as possible when such scrutiny kicks in.

When I'm hungry, I eat the soup. If I trust the chef, I don't ask what's in the soup or fish things out of it and leave them on the side.

The course must be completed as it stands to take full, or sometimes any, effect.

 When I have truly taken Step One on a situation and I ask for help, the person from whom I have sought help will present information and explain things.

If I run through what they're saying to assess whether I buy it, I'm sunk: I'm using what I have admitted to be a defective system to screen incoming information.

When I'm being a sponsee, my job is to make notes of what is said, say 'yes' and 'thank you', and then go away and assimilate the information. If I am able to assimilate the information, I go back for more.

I do not assess the material first. If I've decided I trust the person, I trust what they say.

Assessment is the sure-fire way to admit only what will not disturb the non-functioning system and repel anything that might act as a corrective or a remedy.

On the other end of the exchange, I listen out for how people say yes.

If they use the yes that means Keep going. I technically understand the words you're saying but I don't fully buy it; you'll have to try harder, and I feel impelled to re-explain, amplify, or convince, I stop the conversation right there.

I was once interviewed by a potential sponsee, beyond the perfectly legitimate questions about my experience, recovery practices, and how the sponsorship might work, to a detailed auditing of how I approached particular steps, to make sure that I came up to scratch.

I've since learned to back out as gracefully as possible when such scrutiny kicks in.

When I'm hungry, I eat the soup. If I trust the chef, I don't ask what's in the soup or fish things out of it and leave them on the side.

The course must be completed as it stands to take full, or sometimes any, effect.

For a relationship to work, the engagement must be sincere. In Tradition Three, what is required is a desire to stop drinking. Not a willingness. A desire. The emotional condition is relevant. Perfunctory compliance with the conditions is no substitute for this, breeds cynicism, and produces a mockery, a charade. The real desire will ultimately burn through. It is the same with sponsorship. The sponsor has to desire the wellbeing of the sponsee. The sponsee has to desire the interaction with the sponsor. What is left without that is a mechanical shell. A meal should be a meal, not a nutritionally balanced shake that tastes of plastic and is downed like medicine, three times a day.

If the desire is not present, it is better to admit the fact and maybe admit the fact that no sponsorship at all is desired. Then the problem—if this be construed as a problem—can be addressed and solved. To go through the motions merely covers up this problem and perpetually defers its identification and resolution.

 

 ... can be found here.

The foundation of a sponsorship relationship is honesty, and honesty comprises the following:

• Sincerity of purpose
• Candour
• Truthfulness 

Sincerity of purpose chiefly means wanting to have a spiritual awakening, above all else, yes, to recover, but secondly and, as importantly, for its own sake. When this is lacking, there tends to be one of two things going on. Either the individual is seeking a personal relationship with the sponsor, and the programme is merely the pretext, the literal stepladder enabling the individual to reach the object, or the individual would like to give the appearance, to pay lip service, to squeeze through the amber light, but without any intrinsic interest in the objects and substance of the programme.

Candour is about the voluntary disclosure of important information. Sponsorship is a relationship, and, without candour on the part of the sponsee, which means making sure that the sponsor acquires and maintains a good overview of the individual's life and how they are living it, the relationship cannot exist. It is the oxygen the relationship requires. The voluntary aspect is important. If the truth has to be wheedled and connived out of the individual through systems, procedures, pressure, and, in extremis, cross-examination, the juice is not worth the squeeze, and Suspicion must be allowed its contention that the individual is concealing all sorts of other choice morsels.

Truthfulness is plain: the simple, accurate reporting of relevant information, without embellishment, hyperbole, distortion, minimisation, or embedding in an array of irrelevant facts (the 'Where's Waldo?' tactic).

No one is perfect, but the attempt to live by the above principles must be credible.

I used to think my life was other people's fault or other people's responsibility.

I found some helping people, who tried to help me.

I made my life their responsibility. And it soon became their fault, as well.

Once I recognised I was responsible, and solely responsible, for every belief I held, thought I entertained, and action I took, I found help flowed freely from God.

Others' role in that then became to provide advice on my method and challenge me on my findings.

When they were right, they were right. And when they were wrong, they were wrong. Although they were almost invariably right.

But the responsibility in any case remained mine, so we could remain on good terms.

When people come to you for sponsorship, you show them the programme, help them get their stepwork right, and offer course corrections.

The second element involves challenging the individual's perception and interpretation of the past and present.

The third element involves making suggestions about conduct, whether positive (do this) or negative (don't do that).

It would be lovely if the programme and life were so entirely separate that one could discuss the former without touching the latter.

The programme is a set of principles that have meaning only when applied to life, however.

Showing someone how to apply the programme necessarily entails discussion of the individual's life.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous repeatedly advises us that the people we are trying to help are very ill.

Put these three phenomena together—challenge, suggestion, and the individual's illness—and you've got the potential for an absolute shitstorm (that's a technical term), with all sorts of disordered and disruptive behaviour. It's very easy to get dragged in, as a sponsor, and to become co-culpable for the shitstorm.

Fortunately, only a minority of sponsorship relationships turn into shitstorms. As with real storms, one can predict the conditions in which they are more likely to arise, and politely redirect the person to someone more suitable, but when and where such storms will arise is in the lap of the gods. I continue, occasionally, to be surprised.

Here's how I act as a sponsee:

• I don't have to be in AA. It's my choice.
• I don't have to go to a particular group. It's my choice.
• I don't have to have a particular sponsor. It's my choice.
• I don't have to take on board anything anyone says.
• I don't have to do anything anyone says.
• I can leave the sponsorship relationship whenever I want.

As a sponsor, I keep much more of a cool, formal distance than I used to. I'm very quick to point out to the sponsee that they might be better off with another sponsor, sometimes at the first sign of resistance. If resistance repeats and escalates, I end the relationship. This does open one up to accusations of being unapproachable, indifferent, or dismissive. However, this is better than the alternatives flowing from excessive involvement. You really can't win. So pick the not winning with the minimal collateral damage.

The few occasions where structural resistance is overcome are outweighed by the many cases in which a vast amount of time is spent trying and failing to overcome it. When the person does overcome it, it's almost invariably with someone else.

It's worth noting that some people actively construct situations in which they feel hard done by in order to have a bogeyman to pin their problems on. With these people, there's nothing that can be done. Spot it and move on ASAP.

When a relationship ends, the language that is used is revealing.

Dumped

When a romantic relationship ends, people often say they are dumped. What types of thing is dumped? A physical possession that is no longer needed. What does this image of dumping therefore suggest?

• I'm a physical object
• I'm in a relationship of possession and ownership
• I belong to a person
• I have no agency
• That person no longer values, needs, and wants me
• I am to be expelled from my home
• I am to be left to rot by the roadside, incinerated, or buried

It's right and good to seek help with stepwork. But the point of step buddies, or similar, is to help one understand how to do the stepwork right. It's not to act as a proxy for one's own understanding, as if to say, 'I don't understand this, it makes no sense to me, but Susie says it's OK so I guess it's OK; I must, therefore, have understood it.'

The aim of seeking help from step buddies, etc., is not to outsource the job of learning how to do the process, to get the older brother to write the essay for you so you get a gold star from teacher. It might be said that anyone who wants the help, psychologically, should not be given it, because it will be used as a way of avoiding actually doing the work oneself, and that the only people who should seek help from a step buddy are those who are willing to be so challenged that their ego is thereby eviscerated.

It's not supposed to be comfortable. It's not even easy.

A step buddy who does not challenge and just flags work past without actively engaging with it is not helping. The real help flows from the challenge, as the challenge is what highlights the sticking point. Only an ego can see an ego. Only someone who has lifted the curtain concealing their own ego can see another's ego's toes sticking out from under their curtain.

Similarly, people get upset when, on presenting stepwork for review by a sponsor, the sponsor returns it for reworking, as though the fact of having done it, especially more than once and especially if help has been sought, should entitle one automatically to a 'pass'. It is as though the aim of the whole thing is to be told 'Very well done!', and to be rewarded for effort, regardless of whether any lesson has been learned or the content has been understood. It's common for people to complain or otherwise express disappointment or dissatisfaction to a sponsor for returning stepwork for reworking, as though the sponsor should think or say, 'This makes no sense, but Johnny's been a good boy, so I'm going to pretend that excellent work has been done.' This would not help the sponsee one jot, although it would produce temporary ego satisfaction.

The steps are not an academic exercise. They're not a box-ticking exercise. You don't get a certificate of attendance at the end. The purpose of doing it 'right' is, hopefully, to have an actual experience, because one has actually learned something, and a shift has taken place in one's ideas, conceptions, and motives.

Also, the point of learning is the learning itself; the point of the experience is the experience itself.

To conclude that one is 'not making progress' because stepwork is returned for reworking is erroneous. So often, people 'complete stepwork', but literally nothing has been understood at depth; no shift has occurred; the materialism and victimhood and whacky thinking are still fully intact, on rock-solid foundations. It is as though the aim is to bask in the fact of having 'completed stepwork' rather than to have some kind of experience.

In fact, almost the only lessons that are learned are those that result from the process being blocked by error, stubbornness, unwillingness, resistance, and plain obduracy. The only progress that is made is precisely within the blockage; the progress is the work necessary to remove it and pass to the next level. With this in mind, the impatience and 'desire to make progress' is really a desire to avoid making progress by skipping precisely the lesson that the task is designed to teach.

As with everything in recovery, the desire must come from within.

People often have problems and want a solution. They often want a nice new diagnosis, a chemical solution, or the ominous 'outside help'. They will ask you for input on their solution.

Here's the deal though:

Until the first nine Steps are completed (and I mean completed), the last three Steps are adopted as a way of life, and the principles of the Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts have been studied and incorporated into how one lives, there is already plenty to do, and excellent prospects that most if not all of the apparent problems will be be resolved.

So, if you've got a problem, try the above first. If, once you've been sponsoring many people for one year after the above, you've still got a problem, come back. Until then, there's work to do.

Bad question #1:

'Here's a bunch of feelings and some unanalysed thoughts. What should I do?'

How to respond as a sponsor:

In general, don't answer such questions. If someone is super new in recovery, you might need to give them a helping hand, but if there is no attempt to marshal the relevant facts, sift sense from irrationality, critically analyse the situation, and apply a bunch of the most obvious spiritual solutions from the literature: push back and suggest that the individual apply the programme first and then see if there is a question.

Bad question #2:

'Here's a plan of action. What do you think?'

How to respond as a sponsor:

Plans of action are usually responses to problems. Most problems are not problems but spiritual maladjustments and require a spiritual solution. Once the spiritual solution has been applied, action is rarely necessary. In addition, once the plan has been formulated clearly enough to form the substance of a question, it's gone too far: you're being asked either to co-sign or to adopt the position of the enemy. Don't even enter into a debate here. Get them to go back to the 'problem' the plan of action is an apparent solution to and start over.

Good question:

'Here's a situation. Here's how I'm applying the spiritual programme so far. Having done that, I have a specific question, namely ...'

This, you can answer.

The sponsor: shows the sponsee where the programme is.

The sponsee: works the programme.

The sponsor: does not work the programme for the sponsee.

This will make the sponsee very angry.

No matter.

When a statement or instruction is clear and I question it, it’s not because I do not or will not understand it unless I ask. It’s because I don’t like it, as it stands. There are lots of reasons for this, and my purpose can be manifold:

- I don’t want to think anything through for myself.

- I don’t want to take active responsibility for my understanding.

- I don’t agree with the premise or the point.

- I want to force the other person to ‘show their hand’ so I can attack, undermine, or discount it.

- I don’t want to co-sign the point or instruction by simply accepting it.

- I don’t want to follow the instruction.

- I want to play dumb to signal my disapproval.

- I want to emphasise that I’m cooperating only under duress.

- I want to make a meal of the exchange to emphasise how onerous the task is.

- I want to cast the other person as pedantic by reframing their contribution as more complex than it is.

- I want to cast the other person as overbearing by eliciting repetition and reinforcement in the face of resistance.

- I want to hold the point or the instruction at arm’s length for as long as possible.

- I want to punish the other person for making the point or issuing the instruction.

- I want to give the other person work, because they have given me work.

- I want to delay my own compliance or performance.

- I want to suggest that the other person is muddled, inarticulate, or incoherent.

- I refuse to accept the point or instruction unless it’s conveyed in a way I approve of.

- I want to be the gatekeeper of any incoming information or instructions.

I now tend to just say 'thank you'. And anything that's unclear always becomes clear on its own.

Sponsee: I agree.

Sponsor: What would it mean if you didn’t agree?

When I am in trouble, I am looking at things wrong or I am doing things wrong. When I then ask for a new attitude or for direction on action, I am to adopt that attitude or follow that direction. If I happen to ‘agree’ that those are good ideas—based on a substantive analysis of the material—that is all well and good. But if I don’t agree, the non-agreement is being generated by the part of me that has caused the problem in the first place. That non-agreement is of no value. Therefore, the agreement is of no value, either: the right attitude and the right action are right, regardless of what I think or feel.

Furthermore, if adopting the new attitude or following the direction requires my agreement, I am still in charge, and the problem will never be solved: I will adopt only those attitudes that will not disturb or disrupt my ego, and I will take only those actions that will not disturb or disrupt my ego.

‘I agree’ tells me that the whole process is a charade to convince me that I’m solving the problem when I am not.

I met someone last year who consistently failed to do what is set out below, and, despite himself, he recovered. In order to avoid the same sorry fate, consistently apply any or all of these, and you'll successfully obstruct the sponsorship and, therefore, change and recovery:

What not to do:

If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. (Page 95, Alcoholics Anonymous)

Just because you're someone's sponsor or sponsee and you're spending a lot of time on the phone does not mean that sponsorship is happening.

Sponsorship is helping someone else become free of self so they can help others become free of self.

Things which look like sponsorship but are not:

• 'Masterpiece Theatre'
• Repeatedly playing Mother Hen in someone else's theatrical emotional sprees
• How to spot this: when you're helping someone work through a complex drama, only to be faced with another one within 24 hours
• What's going on: the drama is the payoff; it's not the problem, it's the solution
• 'Mummy, I Can't Reach!'
• Working someone else's programme for them, thinking through situations for them, or making decisions for them
• How to spot this: when someone asks questions that they have asked before or has the resources to figure out themselves
• What's going on: this is a way of getting attention, avoiding growing up, and staying safe
• 'I Need A New Experience!'
• Treating the spiritual journey as an end in itself rather than as a means to serve God
• How to spot this: regularly switching sponsors, fellowships, methodologies, repeatedly working the steps but remaining firmly focused on self
• What's going on: the self remains intact, just cloaked in spirituality

SPONSOR: Sober Person Offering Newcomers Suggestions On Recovery

What works really well is this:

• Find someone who has what you want
• Ask them for suggestions
• Listen
• If necessary, enquire further
• Thank them
• Implement the suggestions

• Reactivity
• Self-justification
• Defensiveness
• Blaming (others, circumstances, the sponsor)
• Over-explanation
• Argument
• Playing off*
• Insolence / rudeness
• Entitlement
• Complaint
• Resistance
• Attack / retaliation
• Skepticism / cynicism

... whether these are expressed overtly or covertly.

There are many ways. There always have been. Early AAs differed. New York, Akron, and Cleveland all did things differently, from each other, and internally.

Here are the four approaches I use most often:

Option 1

Read the book Alcoholics Anonymous with someone. Physically be with them as you read. They read a paragraph / you read a paragraph. You discuss it. You both identify. You explain points to them. You make sure they understand everything and take notes so they can take someone else through. When you get to an instruction, you explain how they carry out the instruction, with reference to your own experience. Check they've done it right (by listening to what they've written, if it's a written instruction). Continue.

Advantages: It's thorough. It's personal. You're making sure everything is understood as you go. It's the 'gold standard'.

Disadvantages: It's slow. It can be academic. It can be deadly dull. They can lose interest and fail to see the point. The process can miss the wood for the trees. It can infantilise the sponsee. Much of the book is straightforward and doesn't need to be pored over or explained. Most of the help is needed on the actual implementation of the instructions not on understanding plain English. As a sponsor, you can sponsor far fewer people if you approach it this way. You're depriving other people of help you could otherwise provide.

Mitigation of disadvantages: Adopt elements of other approaches / mix and match.

Useful for:

Sponsors with a lot of time on their hands.

Sponsors who have few other responsibilities in life.

Sponsees who are new in recovery, first time round.

Sponsees who are 'not big readers' and don't easily assimilate ideas from written materials.

Sponsees who are mentally ill, confused, distraught, and / or have disordered thinking.

Sponsees who need help maintaining focus and motivation.

Option 2

Give them worksheets on each chapter with questions to focus the attention and get them to read out or talk through their answers when they're done. There are lots of worksheets available, written by different AA members. When you get to an instruction, you explain how they carry out the instruction, with reference to your own experience. Check they've done it right (by listening to what they've written, if it's a written instruction). Continue.

Advantages: It's much quicker. It's easier to see the overall arc of each chapter and step. It makes the sponsee more responsible for their own recovery.
Disadvantages: It's less personal. Some detail can get lost.

Mitigation of disadvantages: Get them to read with other sponsees of yours or in small groups. Fill in gaps as and when you spot them.

Useful for:

Sponsees who are newly back but not new in recovery.

Sponsees with a good education.

Sponsees who are highly motivated.

Option 3

Give them whole chapters to read or whole steps to look at, with a couple of basic questions, like, 'What is the physical craving?' 'What is the mental obsession?', etc. Then open up a discussion and make sure they've understood all of the main points. When you get to an instruction, you explain how they carry out the instruction, with reference to your own experience. Check they've done it right (by listening to what they've written, if it's a written instruction). Continue.

Advantages: Same as for Option 2 but even more so.

Disadvantage: Requires well-developed critical faculties on the part of both sponsor and sponsee. Possibility of missing certain details. Sometimes produces poor initial results as the sponsee is not capable or organised enough. This can be frustrating and discouraging for both sides.

Mitigation of disadvantages: Same as for Option 2.

Useful for:

Sponsees who have been through the Steps before and have been sober a while.

Sponsees with a good education.

Sponsees who are highly motivated.

Sponsees who are systematic and orderly.

Option 4

Basically Option 1 but select certain passages for shared discussion, and get the individual to read the intervening passages on their own or with others. When you get to an instruction, you explain how they carry out the instruction, with reference to your own experience, with reference to your own experience. Check they've done it right (by listening to what they've written, if it's a written instruction). Continue.

Advantages: As for 1, but much quicker. Real focus on the main points. They can fill in the detail later on. Easier for the sponsee to retain an overview.

Disadvantages: Some detail can get lost.

Mitigation of disadvantages: Fill in gaps as and when you spot them.

Useful for:

People with very limited reading abilities and/or real problems focusing.

People who are at great risk of slipping and badly need to progress quickly to Step Five and/or Step Nine if they're going to stay sober.

Mine existing tools and resources before seeking input.

Use a sponsor's time wisely and effectively.

Don't pester for attention: a single request suffices.

Allow 24 hours before rerequesting.

Summarise the problem and the best solution you can devise.

Keep your contributions clear, concise, structured, and relevant.

Be open to enquiry, instruction, and direction.

Keep well-structured notes of everything.

Implement what is suggested.

Work round apparent impediments.

When I was new, although I had better experience of me than my sponsor, as I had been me longer than he had observed me, once I reported to him the pertinent facts, he had sufficient facts, and his experience of many hundreds or thousands of alcoholics rendered him more able to assess my situation effectively.

I’ve learned a lot in AA. I will share that with anyone who is desperate enough to do the work required, rapidly, to have a spiritual awakening, and would like to know how the Big Book might help them if they apply its contents. I will share with people from any fellowship. How is that possible? I’m sharing what I have. I can’t share what I don’t have but I must share what I do have. I must not withhold what I have on the grounds of false humility or fear. If my time is literally maxed out, I will redirect the person to the many dozens of people I know who also offer what I offer.

What if someone asks a question I can’t answer because it’s not part of my experience? I tell them they’ll have to ask someone who does have relevant experience. If they need to run through Step One in part or in full with someone who shares the exact same addiction or problem, great! If they need to discuss bottom lines and top lines with someone from a different fellowship, great! The more the merrier. This is a team effort. If they want to talk to loads of old-timers, too, great! They take themselves through the Steps; I’m just a conveyer of information and a provider of a framework. They are responsible—as was I—for building the team of black-belt, gold-star, God-dependent helpers. But I can still help them understand the fundamental principles of addiction described in the Big Book and the fundamental principles of the AA programme, which, between Steps Two and Eleven, are largely identical from fellowship to fellowship.

If they are super new and have no Twelve Step fellowship experience, then they’re probably best off with someone with really similar problems, to establish the bond of identification. But lots of requests in Twelve Step world come to AA Big Bookers from people in other fellowships who have already done the Steps and are looking for extra experience about the Big Book because it’s either totally lacking locally or there simply aren’t enough sponsors to go round locally, so they look elsewhere. In an ideal world, all requests, say, from Al-Anons could be satisfied by Al-Anons. But we’re not in an ideal world. Until all of the other fellowships are groaning with people who understand the Big Book and its contents, we’re going to have to help out, and that, too, is a team effort: not just for people with over twenty years, but for all of us.

In all this endeavour, I remember I’m just there to share my experience and provide guidance on how to replicate the result that was achieved in me: a spiritual awakening. I’m not the be-all-and-end-all to anyone; I’m not a substitute for either God or the full forces of a Twelve-Step fellowship. I don’t have to wait to be an expert. I don’t have to know all the answers. I just need to share what I’ve been given. Here it is: make of it what you will.

Sometimes people withhold because they lack confidence, don’t know all the answers, or haven’t got it all worked out. This is hubristic and predicated on the idea that a sponsor (i.e. the sharing guide) should have self-confidence, should know all the answers, and should have it all worked out. Wrong. We have God-confidence and allow God to work through us; we encourage the other person to develop a relationship with God, too. We share answers that we do have; if we don’t have an answer, we ask around or redirect the individual to someone who does have the answer. And we don’t work it out: we might start out with a plan, but God guides me differently with every person, and how I guide people changes over time as I learn what works and what doesn’t work. Trying to figure it out rather than jumping in, learning on the job, and trusting God is the way I keep God out of it. I need to keep God totally in the mix.

We learn by doing. We don’t figure it out, get perfect, and then start doing.

On this topic, I heard the following, which may be of interest.

Rabbi Yehoshua Gordon, audio/video class on the 4^th portion of the Torah portion Bamidbar.

https://www.chabad.org/multimedia/rabbigordon_cdo/aid/1208729/jewish/Rabbi-Gordon-Bamidbar-4th-Portion.htm

“I want to just point out something here that I think is of critical importance. Let us not think for a minute that we have to go to a great yeshiva and be ordained as a rabbi and become a great Torah scholar and learn the whole Talmud backwards and forwards and memorise it and THEN we could become someone’s teacher. No. We could study Torah right here, whether we’re learning this live right here, or we’re seeing it on the Internet, and then we can take the subject matter of what we learn, a little later today, and share it with someone, and then we have become that person’s teacher. There is so much potential that we have, so that, if you ever wake up in the morning and you say, ‘oh another day, I don’t know, my life has no meaning!’ go encounter someone, find someone, share the last Torah thought you studied with them: you become their teacher; you can literally transform their lives, and one does not have to be a great scholar in order to accomplish that.

And I’ll quote the Rebbe, who was my teacher; the Rebbe said: When a person is introduced to a new study, for example, somebody comes and teaches him a brilliant new teaching; ‘What’s the new teaching?’, he says, ‘You know what, he says, you know what, there’s an alef, there’s a bet, there’s a gimel, there’s a dalet; now repeat after me: alef, bet, gimel, dalet. OK, we’ll continue tomorrow.’ Before tomorrow comes, when he meets someone, he has to say, ‘You know what, I found out: alef, bet, gimel, dalet!’ ‘OK, what comes after that?’ ‘Tomorrow!’

So that becoming someone’s teacher does not mean you have to become an accomplished scholar; you just have to care enough to share, and those who do, know how much they accomplish. The Alter Rebbe writes in his introduction to Tanya, his famous introduction to Tanya, ... Those who can teach, don’t hold back your teaching, because those who, G-d forbid, refuse to teach to someone else, when they’re able to, they are really doing something that’s not good, they’re messing ... I don’t even want to go on and say what the Alter Rebbe says. So that every one of us has an obligation and an opportunity to teach anyone and everyone we encounter, and that is the greatest privilege that we have, and it’s an opportunity that repeats itself every day and every hour and every moment.”

Extract from the Tanya referred to:

‘And to those scholars, I urge you to be forthcoming with advice, do not to place “a hand upon your mouth” (Proverbs 30: 32), to, G-d forbid, act with false humility and modesty, claiming that you do not know the answer when, in fact, you do. The bitter punishment for “one who withholds (spiritual) sustenance” (ibid. 11: 26), is well known (from Talmud, Sanhedrin 91b), and, conversely, the great reward, for sharing Torah wisdom is also well known, from our Sages’ teaching (Talmud, Temurah 16a) on the verse (Proverbs 29: 13), that when one who is poor in wisdom is enlightened by one rich in wisdom, it is mutually beneficial, and “G-d gives light to the eyes of both of them.” For when the scholar will assist a reader in understanding this book, “G-d will shine His face upon (both of) you” (see Numbers 6: 25), “the light of the King’s face, which is life” (Proverbs 16: 15).’

Miller, Chaim. The Practical Tanya—Part One—The Book for Inbetweeners Kol Menachem.

Glossary:

Alef, bet, gimel, and dalet are the first four letters of the Hebrew alphabet.

Alter Rebbe: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shneur_Zalman_of_Liadi

Talmud: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talmud

Tanya: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanya

Torah: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torah

Yeshiva: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yeshiva

Can AA's share their experience on the Big Book and the Steps it contains with members of other fellowships, e.g. Al-Anon, S-Anon, and guide them through the technical mechanics of the Steps?

• Presenting the situation to my sponsor
• Listening to the solution offered
• Implementing the solution offered promptly, cheerfully, enthusiastically, and to the letter

• Reacting when I am offered a solution
• Resisting or rejecting the solution
• Attempting to negotiate a different solution
• Reproaching the sponsor for offering the solution or following it up
• Grumbling to my sponsor about the solution
• Saying I'm complying grudgingly, under duress, or under protest

• Criticism of the solution or the sponsorship
• Resistance to the solution or the sponsorship
• Rejection of the solution or the sponsorship
• My own or other preferred alternatives

This is how I call a sponsor with a problem.

(1) Get the story straight. Facts. Short on the analysis. Keep it chronological. Keep it simple. Keep it brief. Put myself in the shoes of someone who is not inside my head and not inside the situation and ask myself whether the story would make sense to them. Anticipate questions and answer them. Avoid personal pronouns ('he', 'she') as the story can quickly become ambiguous.

(2) I work out whether my problem is emotional or practical.

(3) If my problem is emotional, I use the Step Four tools (resentment inventory) to identify the causes and conditions (the demands that the world is not meeting) and where I'm wrong in belief/attitude, thinking, and behaviour. I then apply the tools of pages 67 and 68 to neutralise the resentment and underlying fear.

(4) If my problem is practical, I discern the various courses of action and the pros and cons of each, coming up with a provisional view on the best.

(5) I work out my question, e.g. 'The demand is that the world be fair, but it is not. How do I drop the demand?' or 'If I act in this situation, person (a) may be harmed, but if I don't act, person (b) may be harmed. Which takes priority?' or 'I have come up with some corrective measures in this situation. Can I share them with you to see if I've missed something?'

Then I call.

If I want someone to be my sponsor, it means I would like them to provide me with instructions, which I then follow. If I do not follow those instructions, then any wish for that person to be my sponsor is entirely notional.

In a sense, it does not matter whether I resist the instructions in principle or accept them in principle but then am unwilling or unable to follow them. The net result is the same: the instructions are not being followed.

This is true even where the actions are not taken for a series of apparently unrelated, one-off, or ostensibly legitimate reasons: work, overtime, deadlines, 'a special project', financial constraints, family commitments, hot weather, cold weather, wet weather, windy weather, travelling distance, crowded trains, late buses, transportation disruptions, waves of emotion, indifference, antipathy, fear, anxiety, tiredness, feeling overwhelmed, feeling constrained, feeling controlled, wanting flexibility, wanting only to take 'baby steps', not being the sort of person who does a plan for the day, not being good at writing, 'food poisoning', 'forgetting', 'not having put it in my diary', being subject to other people's timetable constraints, other people's lateness, other people 'not getting back to me', 'not understanding the instruction' (but then not asking), forgetting to write it down, a doctor's appointment, a psychiatrist's appointment, a psychotherapist's appointment, a yoga class, a football match, a rugby match, a partner's complaint, having to juggle other appointments, leaving my coat at home, being tired, wanting to do something else, lack of baby-sitter, general disorganisation, illness striking on the day in question then mysteriously vanishing without affecting anything else in my schedule, visitors to town, social opportunities, entertainment opportunities, or a panic attack. Sometimes these reasons are deliberately contrived; in other cases they are unconscious rationalisations; and we will all occasionally be subject to forces beyond our control; but if there's a pattern, there's a pattern, and the parsnips are not being buttered, and the medicine is not being taken. The reason for the pattern is actually immaterial, and the fact that each point is potentially arguable must not distract from the bigger picture:

Someone who owns a toothbrush but does not brush his teeth is no better a position than someone who does not own a toothbrush. Why the teeth are not being brushed on any particular day, and even if the reasons vary every single day, the teeth don't care. All they know is that they're not being brushed. There are no points for intention, only for action.

An idea: rely on God, working through knowledge, experience, common sense, reasoning, principles, the Book, inspiration, intuitive thought, and decisions. Consult a sponsor once those are exhausted and prove inconclusive.

Effective sponsorship in AA:

• Identify with the prospect whether he is an alcoholic, broadly speaking
• Ask if he wants to quit for good and for all
• If so, ask if he is willing to go to any lengths
• If he says 'yes':
• Give him a rock-solid daily and weekly programme of applying the last three steps, service, and fellowship to daily living
• Get him going on the steps
• Whatever system you establish, ensure that, if he does the work you ask him to do, you are available very promptly to go through it and progress him to the next exercise
• Never leave a sponsee with no step work to do
• Suggest at least an hour or two of step work a day
• Ensure that the combination of the daily/weekly programme (the last three steps) plus this pathway through the first nine steps, together with work, family, and other obligations, means he always knows exactly what he's supposed to be doing, when, where, and how.

When I commit to the programme, I'm saying I will go to any lengths for victory over alcohol (or over my -anonism). That means I am willing to follow any instruction given to me by my sponsor within the scope of the programme in terms of belief, attitude, and behaviour. It's therefore legitimate for my sponsor to ask me: 'have you done X, Y, and Z?' and to make further discussion contingent on doing X, Y, and Z.

All of the lessons are compulsory: my freedom of choice lies only in when I take them or whether I engage in the course at all. If my sponsor no longer has what I want, my duty is to find someone who does and follow their direction instead.

When one gives a raft of instructions to a sponsee, the sponsee will often find a reason not to follow a particular instruction and then seek 'permission' from the sponsor not to follow the instruction. The 'legitimacy' of the reason is irrelevant. I've only just recently realised why I'm uncomfortable offering 'permission'. Partly it's because in one sense it's none of my business. But in another sense it somehow provides a 'blessing', as if to say 'you will be doing just as well in your recovery if you don't take this particular action'. Of course I cannot say that: if I take an action I will get the benefit from that action. If I do not, I will not. No one is in a position to 'grant' me the benefit without the action, and I'm in no position to do that for anyone else.

Questions

Instructions

The main role of a sponsor is twofold:

(1) To take someone through the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, to give the individual these tools to use in their lives.

(2) To help the sponsee apply those principles.

To this latter end:

The sponsee takes the situation in question (either a situation in which he or she is unclear what to do, or a situation in which he or she is disturbed and cannot shift the disturbance), and asks the following questions:

(a) What are the facts?
(b) How do the Steps, the Traditions, the Concepts, and the literature, including service literature, apply?
(c) Is there any outstanding question?

If it is unclear what the outstanding question is, the work is not complete on (a) and (b). Ask God to guide your thinking and either resolve the situation or work out why you can't resolve it.

Then, and only then, present the situation to the sponsor.

The sponsor's job is to take you on from the furthest point you can reach based on your own knowledge, experience, and relationship with God. A sponsor should not review unprocessed situations but can answer questions arising out of (a), (b), and (c) above.

What the authors intended when they wrote that on page 59 of the Big Book is pretty clear: if I can't choose whether or not I have the first drink and then can't choose when I stop, I'm not in charge of my life, the impulsiveness and compulsion are in charge of my life. I'm literally not able to manage my life, if management means deliberately directing the course of something.

There is another meaning, which, although not intended or elaborated as part of Step One by the authors, is useful, and actually vital.

So, to manage is to deliberately direct the course of. Unmanageable could therefore mean 'I am unable to deliberately direct the course of my life'. It could also mean 'I am unable to direct the course of my life successfully.' In a sense the meaning is actually opposite: it means I am deliberately directing the course of my life, but the results are dreadful.

Why would the results (material outcomes and emotional experience) be dreadful? Because of the actions I am taking. Who decides those actions? I do. How? By making decisions. Where do those decisions come from? My judgements. Where do my judgements come from? My analysis. What is the analysis based on? My beliefs and my perceptions.

'My life is unmanageable', traced all the way back, therefore means my beliefs and perceptions suck, and there are probably issues with my analytical skills, too.

That means, for the material outcomes and emotional experience to change, my beliefs and perceptions need wholesale replacement.

So, I find someone who is getting better material outcomes and a better emotional experience and adopt their beliefs and perceptions. Better: I find someone that points to a spiritual system of thought that gives me a whole world of alternative beliefs, perceptions, analyses, judgements, decisions, and actions.

If resist these new beliefs, perceptions, analyses, judgements, decisions, and actions, I'm really saying, 'I do not want the cause (my beliefs, etc.) to change, but I do want the results to be different. Tell me how I can do that.'

Which is nuts.

Step One. Ta-dah.

What doesn't work so well:

I remain the CEO, with God and my sponsor as external consultants.

What works better:

I am the worker on the factory floor, God is the CEO, and my sponsor is a more senior worker on the factory floor.

My sponsor suggests things. The suggestions fall into two categories: ones which match my own self-suggestions, and ones which don’t. The ones which don’t will typically be unappealing or downright objectionable. If they weren’t, I likely would have suggested them to myself long ago. If I substitute my own alternatives for the unappealing or objectionable suggestions, I am effectively sponsoring myself, as I end up doing precisely what I would have done if I didn’t have a sponsor in the first place. Often, the tasks I find unappealing or objectionable are precisely the most important ones, as they are the ones most likely to be challenging my ego, which is the source of the resistance and the source, not coincidentally, of all of my problems. 

Some people don't call their sponsor enough. Others call a sponsor or someone else when they could actually be developing the skill of solving problems themselves.

Here's a guideline I find helpful:

When I have a question, I examine my existing knowledge and experience and the range of materials I have available (books, documents, and other resources out there in the world) to find the answer. If these prove insufficient, I contact my sponsor presenting how far I managed to get, why this is insufficient, and what the remaining question is.

An old-timer once said that there is no problem in AA that cannot be solved through 'strong sponsorship'.

One problem groups encounter is low attendance, with the accompanying difficulties of finding people to do service and collecting enough voluntary contributions to pay the group's expenses.

This is simply solved by group members holding the sponsoring of others to be their primary objective, and requiring sponsees to attend their home group as a condition of sponsorship, which has many advantages in any case.

This promptly solves the numbers, financial, and service problems.

The presence of sponsees (who will range from the newest members through to people with a few months or years) provides energy and impetus. Newer people are either in trouble or enthusiastic, as a rule, sometimes both, and this manifest need tends to galvanise members of longer standing and wrest the best from them. The primary purpose becomes clear, and the group tends to regain its focus.

The answer to alcoholism (and most other problems) is serving God by helping others, chiefly through sponsorship.

Here's how to find people to work with:

• Make sure your own house is in order (Steps One to Eleven).
• Go to lots of meetings, in particular meetings with a lot of people who are new or struggling.
• Get there early, leave late, and stay for fellowship. Don't sit there staring at your phone. Talk to people. If you don't know anyone, hard luck: talk to people anyway. Ask God for inspiration and guidance in the moment.
• At meetings, pray constantly to be of maximum service and to keep an eye out for people you might be able to help or otherwise build a relationship with.
• Get numbers of people new or struggling and build relationships with them, letting them know that you're available to help (although not pushing it further than that).
• Share at every meeting, honestly and with a presentation of the solution you have been shown, exactly what you did, and the excellent results you got.
• Get on a twelfth-steppers list so you are likely to be called to make first contact with newcomers.
• Be thoroughly familiar with the contents of the Big Book and in particular the instructions on taking the Steps.
• Be certain of the procedure you are going to follow (typically but not always the precise process you went through with your own sponsor).
• If you are going to be using handouts or similar, have the online link available to give out or otherwise be prepared to give the instructions immediately to anyone who asks. Maybe have a physical copy of the first assignment with you at all times.
• Be prepared with a list of daily or weekly tasks or tips you expect a sponsee to carry out. Consider having this in hard copy and carrying round a few copies with you.
• Endeavour to make this your number one priority, and pray every morning to maximise your opportunities to help other people.
• If, on a particular day, you do not have a phone or face to face appointment with a sponsee, go to a meeting.
• Strip from within you any shred of resistance, fear, reluctance, or other impediment. You're in charge of your own consciousness, not anyone else, and it's time to step up to the plate and take responsibility: anything that gets in the way of serving God must go.
• Remember: you agreed at the start to go to any lengths for victory of alcohol or whatever else ails you.

In other words: be prepared and create the conditions in which God can work most effectively.

There is no problem. There is only God. I can opt to serve God, or I can wallow and wade and wander in dark wilderness avoiding this only true option.

A heart overflowing with gratitude has no room for resentment or fear, and gratitude will attract gratitude: whatever I project into the world will be reflected back at me.

What is the basis for gratitude? Humility: the recognition of the nothingness of self and the all-ness of God, and the corollary: all good comes from God (via the True Self) and no good comes from self (the false self). This humility is the basis of anonymity: identity = the false self. No self means there is nothing to harm, and there is no possibility of fear or resentment.

So, on the basis of gratitude, humility, and anonymity, I launch into the week with one desire and one desire only: to serve God and to carry this message of recovery into every corner of my life.

How?

Sponsorship
Sharing (in all modes, wherever I encounter unrecovered, recovering, or recovered alcoholics)
Service

How else?

Practising these principles in all our affairs. But the 'how' comes before the 'how else'.

Get to it!

A sponsor takes you through the Twelve Steps, advises on how to work the AA programme, and shows you how to apply AA principles to life.

A sponsor is not:

• An emergency or blue-light service
• A taxi
• A doctor
• A psychiatrist
• A therapist
• A friend
• A housing service
• An employment agency
• A bank.

Not all questions will apply at all stages of recovery. Ideally, all of the following forms of Twelfth-Step work should be undertaken over the course of the day, week, month, or year, accordingly:

• Sponsorship (a rough guide: a person should be able to handle at least one for every year of sobriety, so someone ten years sober should be able to handle around ten sponsees as a minimum)
• Attendance at a home group every week unless dead, out of town, or contagious
• Service at a home group
• Unless active step work is being undertaken daily with sponsees, attendance at additional meetings to generate opportunities for sponsorship
• Attendance at weekly AA meetings to carry a strong message where it is needed the most
• Service within the AA service structure (intergroup, convention committee, workshop committee, area, district, region, national sub-committee, conference, general service board)
• Writing for an AA publication
• Writing own AA and recovery-related materials to publish anonymously online
• Engagement in online AA forums
• Attendance at weak AA meetings to carry a strong message where it is needed the most
• Speaking at treatment centres, rehabs, etc.
• Carrying the message to the outside world through public information work and/or through the local telephone service
• Talking on a daily basis to newcomers or other people who are struggling
• Long-distance sponsorship (e.g. to people in prison, 'loners', and people in places where there is little or no strong AA)
• Work to improve knowledge of the traditions, concepts, service and structure manuals, and AA history
• Presence on all relevant lists of twelfth-steppers available to the local AA telephone services.

The AA pledge (above) suggests that AA should never say 'no' to a reasonable, relevant request. At the individual level, this looks like it means we say 'yes' to all AA requests. It does not. It means we're responsible for making sure AA says 'yes' to all AA requests, provided that they are reasonable and relevant. We're not, for instance, responsible when someone asks for money or lodging. With the reasonable, relevant requests, almost all of the time, I discharge the duty myself. Occasionally the duty is best served by being discharged by someone else, in which case I pass the job on to them. This is not because I don't want to do it but because, for instance, I have a sponsee who is fairly new and is desperate to find someone to work with, and has several hours a day free to give to that person, whereas I might be able to offer a couple of hours a week. I do this also so that I am free to handle requests that come in that I am specially positioned to meet. The trade-off is not between self and God but between intensive work and extensive work, the former being what God is commissioning me to do. But I temper this with the offer for the person to continue calling me. If God has placed someone in my life, there is a reason, and I never shut the door on anyone or say I won't talk to them. Phone calls are available to anyone, provided I can be useful, and missed phone calls get returned within 24 hours.

It is possible to swing so far the other way, i.e. making sure that every request is met but not, ourselves, pulling our weight. That's a very obvious way of not doing God's will, as we're simply leaving it to others and then acting only as the final safety net or fuse in the fuse box. This is less dangerous, as it's hard to conceal to ourselves for long that we're not stepping up to the plate.

The most insidious form of self-reliance is to do a lot of service or sponsorship but to set boundaries on the basis that we won't be able to cope with more. There is no trust that God will help us find a way. This means that we do not reach our potential, as it is only when the pressure is applied that we're forced to grow to a new level where our intensive (not extensive) work with other alcoholics (page 89 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous) forces us to work smarter and quicker, as we grow in understanding and effectiveness (page 84).

This is partial surrender, compliance in the place of surrender, following God's will provided it's not hard or inconvenient, provided there are no sacrifices. This is not following God's will. This is getting by on just enough, with our own ideas of what we think is enough. It blocks God from truly working through us, as it leaves Him with one hand tied behind His back. It also means that there are going to be other false Gods, other false idols, other false north stars guiding us, grabbing our attention, and zapping our energy.

What is the result? Service becomes tiring because we're doing it on our strength not God's; life becomes tiring because the ego's demands are never satisfied and the ego takes more than it yields. What happens next? We pull back further, we pull up the drawbridge earlier, and we retreat even further into self-reliance.

When I have fallen into this trap, I have believed I can get by with only partial relief of selfishness. I want to abandon the bits of self that get in my way, and get just enough benefits of the programme that I have some relief from running on self in other areas of my life. But it stops short of full abandonment:


(Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 6)

There are several passages in the Big Book that suggest complete abandonment of self:




(Alcoholics Anonymous, page 14 et seq.)

Note that this is not just serving when it suits us: 'self-sacrifice' is a grand term, and denotes less martyrdom and more the abandonment of selfish desires.


(Alcoholics Anonymous, page 15)

Self-abandonment, again, is a strong term.

Exactly how 'abandoned' do we need to be?

Step Six is about the abandonment of limited objectives:


(Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 6)

The limited objectives are where we take on just enough service to satisfy ourselves we are doing enough: but if the requests are still coming through, God's calling us. This is where we need to step out of our comfort zone into the danger of performing God's will when we are frightened it will be too much. We must never forget that it is God who provides the strength and direction. We are responsible not for the work but for entrusting the work to God to be performed through us. Then we're free, and the burden is light or non-existent. It becomes a joy; it is like flying.


(Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 7)

What we're interested in is the 'true purpose' of our lives: not our purpose but God's purpose. In Step Three, it asks us to turn our lives, not part of our lives, over to God. God does not care one jot for our personal ambitions. He wants to use us. This is wild, dangerous self-abandonment. But don't forget: what we get out of this is a working faith, a faith that actually gives us access to strength and intelligence beyond our own.


(Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step 7)

This final passage from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions summarises the content of the previous passage: we do not get to live our own lives, we get to live the lives that God wants us to live, which may be radically different from what we have in mind.

Let's look at what this looks like practically:

Al-Anon literature suggests that we do not do for others what they can do for themselves. How does this apply in sponsorship? I do not give people answers they can come up with themselves. My job, rather, is to start at the point that the individual can go no further based on their own resources and knowledge and then help them onwards. Once someone has been given the AA programme and has worked systematically through the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', the job of the sponsor becomes to spot where there are gaps and where something has been missed or where there is further insight or experience that can be shared. To do this effectively and efficiently, the sponsor has to know how far the individual can go solving a problem before stepping in. To do more is to spoon-feed and infantilise the individual. Instead of instantly shooting out an answer, the job is to say: 'What does Chapter X say about this?' 'What does Step X say about this?' 'Are you aware of any AA tools that can be applied in this situation?'

The book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' asks if we are willing to go to any lengths. What does that mean? The good news is that this is not a blank cheque: it can be defined. The bad news is that it may mean a lot of work. There are several approaches: (1) 'Do what I do': under this approach, anything the sponsor does, the sponsee gets to do; (2) 'Anything in the first 164 pages': under this approach, if it's in the first 164 pages, the sponsee gets to do it; (3) 'Anything consistent with the first 164 pages': under this approach if it is in or is consistent with the contents of the first 164 pages, the sponsee gets to do it.

I was a hard nut to crack: I needed not only the precise contents of the first 164 pages, but also a lot of actions consistent therewith: there were no national sub-committees for public information in 1939, so there is no instruction 'serve on a national sub-committee for public information', yet serve I do; there was no national network of meetings, so there was no instruction 'go to 90 meetings in 90 days', yet that was precisely what I needed to do on more than one occasion; the term 'sponsor' was not used in 1939, so there is no reference in the book, yet there are plenty of suggestions about helping others, so I sponsor pretty much anyone who asks, provided they are willing to follow suggestions.

The book also suggests, for instance on page 87, that we consult useful books etc., and I make no apology for suggesting all sorts of spiritual readings and exercises not in the Big Book, in accordance with this instruction. The founders of AA, incidentally, did precisely that. The idea that anything not literally written in the Big Book is unnecessary and heretical is relatively new and wrong-headed (and probably stems from a certain US American tradition of literalism in relation to the Bible). The main reason why I, as a sponsor, reserve the right to 'prescribe' spiritual readings, exercises, or practices not contained in the Big Book is because I have been asked by someone to sponsor them on the basis that they want what I have. To get what I have they may have to do what I did. It would be dishonest to suggest someone will get the results I have got by following only part of the prescription. Furthermore, no one is being forced. If you don't want what I have or don't want to do what I do or have done, I won't bother you, and you are free to ask any of the many thousands of other people in AA to help you. Go in peace!

When I’m having a tough time emotionally, before examining the substance of my concerns, I check that I have not been neglecting the actions that cumulatively ensure good spiritual hygiene. These actions, set out below, are available to newcomers and more seasoned members alike. I resume taking all of the actions below, wait a week, and then see if there is any remaining substance to examine.

• Every week, I attend a Big Book meeting focusing on the material up to page 164 of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do service at this meeting. I do fellowship after this meeting with other attendees.
• Every week, I attend a Step meeting. I do service at this meeting. I do fellowship after this meeting with other attendees.
• Every day, I take the Step Eleven actions set out on pages 86 to 88 of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don’t belabour these instructions but follow them I do.
• I adopt a spiritual practice with daily actions beyond the instructions of pages 86 to 88 whose focus is on changing all of my attitudes and thinking and then maintaining positive and helpful attitudes and thinking.
• If I have emotional disturbance, behave badly, or am confused about a decision, I apply the Step Ten actions on pages 84 to 85 of Alcoholics Anonymous and talk to someone with solid sobriety as soon as possible.
• Every day, I speak to at least one person with solid sobriety (someone who ( a) has completed the first nine Steps, (b) is active in sponsorship and service, and ( c) is over five years sober).
• When I am in the first Nine Steps, I allocate at least half an hour a day to working on the relevant Step, ideally more if possible, sometimes the bulk of my free time—I do not want to stay in the first Nine Steps any longer than strictly necessary. If I have to get up early to find the time to do this, I have to go to bed earlier the night before.
• Once I was part way through my Step Nine amends, I started sponsoring and I still sponsor.
• Every week, I aim to work actively with at least 5 people on the Steps. When I have fewer, I go to extra meetings.
• Every day, I speak at length to someone new, in trouble, or seeking a spiritual life, with a view to seeing how God can help them through my experience.
• I have a service assignment that involves carrying the message outside AA—this is suitable for anyone with more than one year’s sobriety.
• I have a service assignment within the AA structure—this is suitable for anyone with more than two years’ sobriety.

I meet a lot of people who don't like their local meetings because they are weak and full of people who moan or talk about anything but recovery.

The solution is to start a meeting.

Here is a good format:

XXX Big Book Step—Meeting Script

Welcome to XXX Big Book Step Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name’s ............ and I’m an alcoholic. Could we please have a moment’s silence to remember why we’re here and the still suffering alcoholic both in and out of the rooms?

I’ve asked _______________________ to read the preamble.

This is a closed meeting of AA. In support of AA’s singleness of purpose, attendance at closed meetings is limited to persons who have a desire to stop drinking. If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you are welcome to attend this meeting.

Are there any visitors from out of town or other groups who would like to introduce themselves?

Are there any newcomers to AA who would like to introduce themselves? This is not to embarrass you; this is simply to give you the welcome we enjoyed when we first came in.

The format of this Big Book Step meeting is as follows: the instructions for taking the Twelve Steps are contained in the book ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’, from which our fellowship takes its name. Each week, a reader reads a section on the relevant step, and then a speaker shares specifically on his or her experience of the passage, for ten minutes or so. This is followed by sharing from the floor, also specifically on the passage. If you have not taken this step, we suggest you just listen for now.

_______________________ has agreed to read a passage from the Big Book on today’s topic, which is ______________________________________________.

It now gives me pleasure to introduce _______________________, who has come to share with us on today’s topic, which is ____________________________________________.

I now invite you to share your experience, strength, and hope in relation to what we have read. Our time-keeper _______________________ will ring the bell after each person has been sharing for four minutes. This is a sign to wind up your sharing. Our aim is to enable everyone who wishes to contribute to do so. There may be time at the end to share again. Please be respectful of others in your sharing. The meeting is now open.

[If there is spare time] If no one else wishes to share on the topic, please feel free to come in and share your experience of any part of the Big Book or the Twelve Steps.

[At 8.25 p.m. or so]

That’s all the time we have for sharing, I’m afraid, but it’s not quite the end of the meeting.

We now practise Tradition 7, which states that AA groups ought to be fully supported by the voluntary contributions of their own members. Whilst the pot is going round, are there any AA-related announcements? [Make sure pot makes it all the way round.]

In this group, we believe that sponsorship is an important resource in recovery. Would all those willing to act as sponsors or answer questions about sponsorship please raise their hands now and keep them raised? If you are looking for a sponsor or have questions, please see one of these people afterwards.

I’d like to thank the service members of the group for making this meeting possible.

If you have enjoyed this meeting and would like to become a service member of the group in order to participate in its running, we invite you to attend our monthly business meetings, which are held immediately after the Big Book Step meeting on the first Friday of each month, and we will offer you a service assignment. Talk to any of the service members of the group, who are now raising their hands, if you have any questions.

Would you please join me in the Serenity Prayer to close our meeting. God ...

XXX Big Book Step—Business Meeting Script

Business meeting script

Welcome to the XXX Big Book Step business meeting

My name’s ............ and I’m and alcoholic.

I’ve asked ............ to read the short form of the Twelve Traditions.

Business meeting preamble

For the group to run smoothly, it needs officers, to take care of everything from setting up and making the tea to handling the group’s finances.

These officers make up the steering committee, which resolves questions about ‘what a group should do, and how’. We, the steering committee, meet once a month to resolve such questions, to elect new officers, and for existing officers to report back to those they serve on their service assignments.

Performing service and decision-making go hand in hand. We invite any alcoholic wishing to join the group to attend our business meetings, and we will find you a service assignment.

Twice a year—in August and February—we hold a group conscience meeting in the place of the business meeting. This takes the form of a Group Inventory.

We refer to the pamphlet ‘the AA Group’ and to the ‘AA Service/Structure Handbooks for Great Britain’ for guidance on all group matters.

Brief officers’ reports in alphabetical order

Alternates—Chair—Greeters—GSR—Literature secretary—PI committee—Secretary—Setting up—Setting down—Tea-maker—Speaker-finder—Timekeeper—Treasurer—Washing up

Election of new officers

Other matters

Would you please join me in the Serenity Prayer to close our meeting?

XXX Big Book Step

Group procedures

1. We refer to the pamphlet ‘the AA Group’ and to the ‘AA Service/Structure Handbooks for Great Britain’ for guidance.

2. Group service members are those who are carrying out service assignments for the group. These people make the decisions.

3. The roles of GSR and treasurer are for two years. The role of secretary is for one year. All other posts are for six months. The GSR and treasurer should be over one year sober. The chairperson and secretary should be over six months sober. There is no sobriety requirement for the remaining service assignments. The treasurer, in addition, should be known to the group and solvent.

4. If there are more potential group service members than service assignments available, new posts may be created or existing posts may be split. There are also posts available as alternates.

5. If a service member is unable to attend a meeting one week, he or she should find someone to deputise from amongst the alternates and let the chair know about the deputisation.

6. If a service member fails to attend for three weeks without notifying the group, the position falls vacant, and the other service members take care of the role until a new service member is elected.

7. The secretary maintains and distributes amongst the service members only a confidential list of the service members’ telephone numbers plus the scripts and procedures. Inclusion on this list is entirely voluntary.

8. Urgent matters may be resolved between meetings jointly by the chair, secretary, GSR, and treasurer, but final responsibility and ultimate authority will rest with the steering committee at the next business meeting.

9. Major matters affecting the group (e.g. location, time, day, and length of the meeting, primary purpose of the group, general format and structure, subject matter of the meetings) are discussed only at the six-monthly group conscience meetings. To provide continuity and stability, no major changes are agreed at business meetings, unless circumstances make this necessary.

Topic rotation:

Topic

Step One (physical allergy)

Step One (mental obsession)

Step One (spiritual malady)

Step Two

Step Three (first requirement)

Step Three (implementation of the step)

Step Four (resentment inventory, first three columns)

Step Four (resentment inventory, bridge passage and fourth column)

Step Four (fear inventory)

Step Four (sex inventory)

Step Five

Steps Six + Seven

Step Eight

Step Nine

Step Ten

Step Eleven (evening)

Step Eleven (morning)

Step Twelve (spiritual awakening)

Step Twelve (carrying the message)

Step Twelve (practising these principles in all our affairs)

Be calm in arguing: for fiercenesse makes
Errour a fault, and truth discourtesie.
Why should I feel another man’s mistakes
More, then his sicknesses or povertie?
In love I should: but anger is not love,
Nor wisdome neither: therefore gently move.

I have just reread the first chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age: When AA Comes of Age. The chapter itself is a raggle-taggle collection of reminiscences, narratives, and Bill W.’s familiar ‘imaginings’ of what others might be thinking, brought together on the occasion of the moment in 1955 when the founders of AA formally handed over guardianship of the organisation to the Conference. What I have presented below is not a systematic review but a collection of ideas generated from the reading.

(1) The spirit

besides sharing all they had with us, Bob and Mag were expansively cheerful (12)

I recall with deep gratitude how often her wise advice and her good humor and patience helped to settle the endless squabbles about the book’s content.

(2) Service

Brand new AAs, sober only a month or even a week, had to sponsor alcoholics still drying up in the hospitals.

In AA, we see an unusual number of social and psychological forces working together on the alcoholic problem. Yet fully allowing for this new advantage, we still cannot explain the speed of the results. AA does in weeks or months what should take years. Not only does drinking stop abruptly, but great changes in the alcoholic’s motivation follow in a few weeks or months.

(3) Effective recovery

The Cleveland pioneers had proved three essential things: the value of personal sponsorship; the worth of the AA book in indoctrinating newcomers, and finally the tremendous fact that AA, when the word really got around, could now soundly grow to great size.

(4) The organisation of public information work

It was the opinion of the meeting that oversimplification, which might lead us to muff our Twelve Step work, area-wide and world-wide, could not be called either really simple or really spiritual.

When they saw the Convention’s pressroom, many visitors realised for the first time that good communications, within and without, were the actual arteries in which AA’s life-giving blood circulates among us and thence out to brother and sister sufferers everywhere. Something more than slow word-of-mouth message-carrying obviously has been required. ... Years ago we found that accurate and effective publicity about AA simply does not manufacture itself. Our overall public relations couldn’t be left entirely to chance encounters between reporters and AA members who might or might not be well informed about our fellowship as a whole.

(5) The role of religion

It was from [the Episcopal clergyman Sam Shoemaker] that Dr Bob and I in the beginning had absorbed most of the principles that were afterward embodied in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Steps that express the heart of AA’s way of life. Dr Silkworth gave us the needed knowledge of our illness, but Sam Shoemaker had given us the concrete knowledge of what we could do about it. ... The basic principles which the Oxford Groupers had taught were ancient and universal ones, the common property of mankind. ... the important thing is this: the early AA got its ideas of self-examination, acknowledgement of character defects, restitution for harm done, and working with others straight from the Oxford Groups and directly from Sam Shoemaker, their former leader in America, and from nowhere else. [My emphasis]

... most of AA’s spiritual principles had come to us through clergyman. Without clergymen, AA could never have started in the first place. While I had been nursing my grudges against religion, Father Ed and Dr Sam [who both spoke at St Louis before the assembled alcoholics] had been going all out for us. This was a brand-new revelation. Suddenly I realised that it was high time I began to love them, even as they had loved me and the rest of my kind.

(6) Who is in charge?

[Bill W.] No more would I act for, decide for, or protect Alcoholics Anonymous. I saw that well-meaning parents who cling to their authority and overstay their time can do much damage. We old-timers must never do this to the AA family. When in the future they might ask us, we would gladly help them in the pinches. But that would be all. This new relationship was indeed the central meaning of what had just taken place. ... Clearly my job henceforth was to let go and let God. Alcoholics Anonymous was at last safe—even from me.

My role as a sponsor is this:

(1) To guide individuals through the Steps.
(2) To share what I have learned about how to apply the Steps to everyday life.
(3) To answer questions about fellowship and service.

Occasionally, there is a little chitchat, but only if the Stepwork is being completed. If I chitchat with drowning men who refuse to grab the life-preserver, I'm aiding their destruction. I won't do it.

If you have a conversation with a sponsor, write down everything they say. You won't remember it otherwise. Make the most out of the relationship; make sure nothing is wasted.

The stated aim of the programme is to enable us to find a power greater than ourselves that can solve our problem.

In practice, this means dying to self and surrendering to God. Once that process is well underway, work is required in the moment (the steering of the car), daily (filling the vehicle with petrol, refilling other reservoirs, and giving the thing a good old clean, in and out), and periodically (taking the vehicle in for a service). Some people believe, foolishly, that good daily maintenance will mean that nothing ever goes wrong in the engine. No; as with a car, measures are required at all three levels. All other areas of human endeavour reflect this three-pronged approach, not least any spiritual tradition worth its salt.

The question when regarding the periodic servicing is this: what method do we use? Some people say they want a new experience. That is all very well. But how is that new experience to be achieved?

One belief is that using the same old method is a bad idea, because if it worked so well, why does it need to be tried again? And furthermore, won't it ultimately fail, in the same way that a joke retold endlessly will fail to cheer, or a pair of jeans will ultimately fall apart if worn for too long?

The result of this thinking is usually one of two decisions: the hunt for a new sponsor (with 'new information') or the hunt for a new method (a new approach to the Steps; a new way of using the Big Book, which is what contains the basic instructions).

There are certainly situations in which one's current spiritual advisor or sponsor proves inadequate and in which a new one is required. Inadequacy, however, is a function not of the length of time one has had them as a sponsor, as though one somehow wears them out, but of whether they themselves are making spiritual progress and are a better example of surrender to God than you. All other things being equal, the main valid reasons for switching sponsors are (a) they lack (and therefore have always lacked) a solid understanding of the process of the Twelve Steps, (b) you have overtaken them spiritually or what they have, spiritually, you do not want, (c) they have backslid or drifted and are no longer fit to sponsor, (d) you substantially fail to identify with their human failings, or vice versa (or simply no longer much care for them). A good deal of thought must go into the process, because much self-centred rationalisation can underpin what appears to be a sound decision under (a) to (d) above. Counsel might well be sought, also.

The danger of switching sponsor, or indeed method of going through the Big Book (there's always a new method popping up here and there, which gradually comes into vogue, and then drifts back into obscurity), is that it is missing the point: you cannot wear out the instructions and you cannot wear out a sponsor in the way that a joke wears thin, jeans wear out, or, to bring in an image from another book, the salt loses its savour.

The last image is an interesting one, because salt cannot lose its savour: its savour is inherent in its essence. Salt can lose its savour only by ceasing to be salt, which cannot happen. Salt cannot become potash, mercury, or lye. Humans can indeed obscure their divine essence but they cannot eliminate it, because it is inherent. We cannot become un-human.

The subject matter of the Steps is that which obscures the divine in us and which is causing us practically to proceed in a direction other than the magnetic north of our moral compass. The subject matter is not the Big Book. The subject matter is not what is coming down the tubes from our sponsors (although that will indeed be superior if they are further ahead on the spiritual path). The subject matter is us. What we need is a mirror. If the mirror is a good one (and the Twelve Steps set out in the Big Book are a perfectly good mirror), then the mirror will do its job. The purpose of the sponsor is to help us understand what we see in the mirror, to remind us of how we should be (which itself is a simple proposition: dead to self and surrendered to God), and to be the human companion with whom we have united purpose. We cannot easily approach God without others. It is the divine present in another person whose humanity simultaneously we identify with that provides the bridge.

The hunt for the latest special method is the hunt, essentially, for a new frame for the mirror. The mirror is not the point. You are the point. And the same mirror, used a thousand times, will never wear out.

I reuse the same Twelve Steps from the same Book; I have had the same sponsor for years, now, and, in opposition to the rules of the material world (which often are opposite to those of the world of the spirit), I have worn neither out.

When I believe I have, I am always mistaken.

My sponsor speaks to an awful lot of people in AA, many of whom have been sober for decades. The same can be true of his sponsor, and his sponsor in turn.

Whenever I speak to my sponsor, I'm getting the distillation of interaction, directly and indirectly, with hundreds of long-time sober members of AA who are heavily active in sponsorship and service, all under the aegis and guidance of God.

What comes down the tubes is high-octane, let me tell you.

Whom are the people you're talking to talking to?

The above is a line you'll hear in one form or another from sponsees who are five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years sober.

You'll also hear:

'I feel disconnected'
'I need a new experience'
'I need to go through the work again'

One feature that makes AA so attractive is that the primary means by which information is conveyed is this: you see someone who has what you want, you ask them what they believed, thought, and did, and you imitate them, to see if you get the same results. And you by and large do.

There is no debate about what the 'right' way is, about what the 'right' interpretation or understanding of the AA programme is, although there ~is~ controversy.

There is certainly discussion, the purpose of which is to ask questions and have them answered.

In AA meetings, we do not debate, and we do not even discuss, in the sense of 'back-and-forth' discourse: we merely present. If there are fundamental disagreements about approach, people usually, and rightly, go and set up a new group.

In sponsorship, the approach is offered and explained, but not debated. Anyone who wants a debate can joint a debating society or find a sponsor whose views they largely agree with.

In AA publications, the scope for response or comment is either limited or non-existent.

This does not mean that dissent or disagreement is not itself encouraged: quite the reverse; the autonomy of groups and the lack of central organisation or control mechanism ensure that variety flourishes.

The one exception to this, in the world of AA, is the Internet forum.

Such forums can be used helpfully to present ideas or for questions to be answered and then responded to.

Largely, however, presentations or Q&A sessions descend (or rather plummet) into quarrels of negligible utility. The electronic medium is also ill-suited to a genuine exchange of ideas, as the human element is stripped out, most people do not have the time to expound ideas fully, and it is largely impossible to detect tone.

I'm not longer interested in debate: I do what works for me, and share that, in case it works for someone else too. If it doesn't, that's fine.

I've stopped trawling AA forums for things I disagree with just so I can express my disagreement. A while ago I stopped even looking at comments on what I myself post in the spirit of sharing. As page 67 of the Big Book says: 'We avoid retaliation or argument'.

What a relief!

From my sponsor, I look for guidance on how to apply the AA programme to my life in general and specific situations in particular. Sometimes, encouragement, approval, etc. are forthcoming, but I do not require these.

If I'm upset with my sponsor, it's helpful to ask: am I looking for something other than the above? Approval? Respect? Validation? Friendship? The role of parent, therapist, counsellor, doctor, lawyer, banker, partner, sibling, friend, rescuer, persecutor, victim, authority figure, nemesis, foil, patsy, scapegoat, rubber-stamper, prophet, seer, soothsayer, mystic, leader, clergyman, Pope, exorcist, starets?

Sponsorship is sponsorship; business is business; the relationship can be close but must not be confused with any other, or the purpose can be confounded.

My schedule is full, but when someone asks for help I say 'yes', even though my schedule is full, because God is excellent at scheduling.

Sometimes people say one should not sponsor so much or do as much service because one should, as they put it, get or have a life.

I've heard an assertion several times recently. If I had heard it only once, I would pass it over as a particular individual's quirky interpretation of the programme. Clearly, however, it's more widespread than that and echoes a delusion I, too, was under when I was new. It also resurfaces periodically over time in AA, as a recurring meme.

The assertion goes like this: 'AA tells you to take responsibility for everything, but that's wrong. Bad things happened to me as a child, and I'm not responsible for that. I can't just forgive people. My sponsor told me I need to get angry over what happened and sit with that, and somehow I'll get over it.' (Pretty much verbatim.)

This is sometimes accompanied by objection to the assertion that we are selfish and self-centred. Perhaps, also, this is viewed as encouraging shame.

Let's look at where this might come from:

'Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
'If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed, or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try.'

'And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help.'

The Conference shall observe the spirit of AA tradition, taking care that it never becomes the seat of perilous wealth or power; that sufficient operating funds and reserve be its prudent financial principle; that it place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others; that it reach all important decisions by discussion, vote, and, whenever possible , by substantial unanimity; that its actions never be personally punitive nor an incitement to public controversy; that it never perform acts of government, and that, like the society it serves, it will always remain democratic in thought and action.

General Warranties of the Conference: in all its proceedings, the General Service Conference shall observe the spirit of AA Tradition, taking great care that the conference never becomes the seat of perilous wealth or power; that sufficient operating funds, plus an ample reserve, be its prudent financial principle; that none of the Conference Members shall ever be placed in  a position of unqualified authority over any others; that all important decisions be reached by discussion, vote, and, whenever possible, by substantial unanimity; that no Conference action ever be personally punitive or an incitement to public controversy; that, though the Conference may act for the service of Alcoholics Anonymous, it shall never perform any acts of government; and that, like the Society of Alcoholics Anonymous which it serves, the Conference itself will always remain democratic in thought and action.

 

Quotations

I use the Big Book as the basic reference for what the AA programme is.

Over the years, all sorts of other ideas have helped alcoholics in AA. Sometimes, ideas come along that are not so helpful to alcoholics.

It is very simple to determine whether a particular phrase is in the Book. Any fool can do that, and trumpet that everything else 'ain't AA'.

It is trickier to work out whether an idea is contained in the Big Book, because that requires a bit of intelligence and a bit of critical thought.

A good example is sponsorship. The first few chapters do not mention sponsorship. Some people will not have sponsors or call themselves sponsors, therefore. However, the actions most people associate with sponsorship are indeed contained within the Book, specifically in Chapter Seven, and illustrated further in Chapter Eleven.

There is a value in determining whether particular words or phrases are in the Book, so thank you, anyone with the knowledge or time to determine that for us. That is all that has been achieved, however: it has not been demonstrated whether the idea the words or phrase represents are in the Book. That is a horse of a different colour!

Good service leadership at all levels is indispensable for our future functioning and safety. Primary world service leadership, once exercised by the founders, must necessarily be assumed by the trustees.

Good service leaders, together with sound and appropriate methods of choosing them, are at all levels indispensable for our future functioning and safety. The primary world service leadership once exercised by the founders of AA must necessarily be assumed by the Trustees of the General Service Board of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Questions in service

Questions in service and life

Ideas

Quotations

Are young alcoholics being exposed to AA?

Are those young alcoholics staying in AA?

The young people's movement in AA

Summary

I have been taught that living in all three sides of the triangle of sobriety, recovery, and unity will keep you sober.

I agree.

One excellent opportunity for people to do service is at meetings, which require a lot of work.

A friend of mine from the US, who recently relapsed, has had to give up all of his service assignments because he no longer has the 90-day requirement, which, in the city in which he lives, is a requirement for any service at all, at least in the groups he is aware of.

At my home group, we do not have a 90-day requirement. This means very new people get to greet, make tea, set-up chairs, wash up cups after, and set out literature. We obviously would not give the role of secretary or treasurer to someone new. But someone new can perform these tasks quite well.

Occasionally there is some unreliability with newcomers, perhaps a little more than with people who have been sober for longer, but any exposure to AA over a considerable period of time will reveal that unreliability is by no means the preserve of people with less than 90 days.

Provided that the group is well organised, a no-show causes little or no genuine disruption anyway.

If you are new in AA, it is likely that other areas of your life are very messy or non-existent. It may well be that the only place where you have an opportunity for service is in AA itself. That was true for me when I was new.

I am grateful that I was afforded the opportunity from day 1 to be of service, and I had three or four service assignments a week from the beginning. This made me feel part of AA and made me feel useful and needed for the first time in a long time. It was the beginning of real spiritual recovery: I could be there for others. The time I was doing service was sometimes the only time I was not thinking about me.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous also suggests a turning outward to service and throughout emphasizes the danger of delay and the importance of prompt action. In the Chapter A Vision For You, Bill and Bob immediately start working with others.

Where I go to AA, newcomers get into service straight away and as sponsor as soon as they are asked, provided that they are well through the Steps, regardless of how long they have been sober.

There are no 90-day requirements for service.
There are no 1-year requirements for sponsorship.

If you are a real alcoholic in real trouble, you do not have that kind of time to hang around.

A quiet plea to those parts of AA where artificial rules are imposed: do not keep the solution from the people who need it the most.

"It works when other activities fail."

This means other activities will sometimes fail! Having working with others structurally integrated into my day and week means I am regularly saved from myself when nothing else saves me from myself. I naturally turn back in on myself, start 'wanting', and start judging myself and others for not fulfilling my wants. This happens quickly and easily.

I am so not cured. Applying the programme as a way of living is pretty automatic, these days, but it is not first nature; it is only ever second nature.

Working with others keeps me turned outwards.

"It works when other activities fail."

If I do not help, who will? This is where the moral obligation comes in.

I always wanted to know WHO I was. My real problem was not knowing where I belonged and what I was supposed to be doing with my life. This line is a starting point: if I do not help people, there will be a hole in the world where my help was supposed to go.

There is a screw for every nut in AA; everyone has been perfectly crafted by God through these Steps to be uniquely useful not just to alcoholics in general but to specific alcoholics. That is why the one-size-fits-all, Stepford Wives approach in AA I do not believe in: we are supposed to be different so we can help people who are different. The Steps are the same, but the crafting by God is individual.

"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

These are the first Step Twelve promises.

The last line of this provides an instruction and a question: do I have frequent contact with newcomers and my peers?

'The' not 'a' bright spot: there is something that shines through this experience that is irreplaceable.

"Don't start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it."

This applies within AA as much as without. People sniff this a mile off. What matters is not the principle of whether evangelism or reform should or should not work; what matters is the fact that, with alcoholics, this simply does not work.

It is interesting that Step Four talks about 'grosser handicaps'. Evangelism and reformist tendencies certainly fall within this category. It is not that the carrying of the message and reform are not necessary; it is the direct effecting of change that is in question: we do not change anything by muscle. We change by removing the blocks to change: old ideas, emotions, and attitudes. And we do this in the spirit of Tradition Eleven (attraction not promotion) and Concept XII (discussion, vote, and substantial unanimity).

"So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim."

This is a good general approach to life, applicable with sponsorship, friendship, closer relationships, work, society as a whole. It is a distillation of the programme into a few words.

(1) No one wants someone as old/young/new in sobriety/old in sobriety [fill in the blank] to sponsor them

(2) I'm willing, but no one asks me

(3) It is obviously not God's will, or I would be sponsoring; if God wanted me to sponsor, he would put someone in my life

(4) I am not cut out for sponsorship

(5) I travel a lot

(6) I carry the message through my behaviour: I am a walking Big Book

 (7) I carry the message by going to meetings and sharing

(8) I do other service instead

(9) I do not have time

(10) I do not enjoy it

If your solution to your drinking problem is "don't take the first drink" and you have the willpower to follow that instruction under all circumstances, you are strictly not powerless over alcohol in all senses and do not, therefore, need the twelve-step programme of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay sober, whose purpose is to enable you to access power you do not ordinarily have.

The programme may help you to live more comfortably, sober, but that is up to you, and the Steps are largely optional, with timing dependent chiefly on how quickly you want to stop hurting.

I didn't stop relapsing until I treated every instruction I was given as a "must", as it indeed was, because, when I was following only those parts of the programme that struck me as convenient or appealing, I kept relapsing.

Not all of us are the same in AA. Many people can stay sober without fully giving themselves to recovery, fellowship, and service. Everyone with a desire to stop drinking is welcome, though. I cannot say that you "must" do anything in AA, because I cannot know whether you are an alcoholic of my type or whether you innately have the power, based on self-knowledge, to not drink no matter what.

Furthermore, I can't give you a "must": the responsibility for the action and the consequences must lie with you, not me. Hence "suggestions".

The same principle rubs both ways, though: you can say that there are no "musts" for you, but it is perhaps unwise to tell a newcomer that there are no musts for him. He may be powerless over alcohol and unable, without God, the Steps, fellowship, service, and sponsorship to access the power necessary to follow that instruction. Newcomers should be aware that, for some, the suggestions are indeed "musts" if they do not want to drink and, ultimately, die.

Sponsorship

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in your own sickness.

2. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I can’t.

3. I cannot give you growth or grow for you. You must grow yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.

4. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.

5. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of not growing.

6. If I care for you out of pity I will kill you and I will get sick if I care more about how you feel than whether you live or die.

7. You must know that my help is conditional. I cannot get close to you if you refuse to grow. If you want to get well, I will walk to the gates of hell with you. If you don’t want to get well, you will have to go there by yourself.

8. That being said, my job is to walk with you day-by-day, side-by-side on the path of spiritual progress. This is a commitment for both of us and I will put as much into it as you will.

"If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more." (95:2, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

Imagine a house full of flammable objects. Imagine a person addicted to the casual or malicious dropping of lit matches.

An ineffective sponsor runs around after the sponsee, installing fire extinguishers, hiding away flammable objects, putting out fires, and tending to the sponsee's burns.

An effective sponsor points out the connection between the dropping of lit matches and the subsequent conflagrations and waits for the call which says, "I cannot stop. Show me how."

"The first requirement is that we be convinced that AA run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives—saving the lives of suffering alcoholics—are good. Most people try to carry the AA message by self-propulsion. Each Twelfth-Stepper is like a humble servant who tries to run the whole of the Fellowship; is forever trying to arrange the meeting, group business, the service structure, and the lives of his sponsees in his own way. If only his arrangements would stay put, if only people would work the Steps as he wished, if only people would follow the Big Book not the 'Twelve and Twelve', if only people would carry the message, not the mess, if only people would ditch the therapy-speak, if only people would stop talking about other addictions, AA would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be happy, joyous, and free. AA would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our humble servant may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he is likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well—his sponsees become disaffected, he gets a reputation in local AA meetings for being a fascist, and local AA is polarised into two self-righteous camps, each convinced the other is wrong. He begins to think AA doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still AA does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of AA if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the alcoholics that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of AA? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our humble servant is self-centred—egocentric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired Twelfth-Stepper who lolls in the Sunshine of the Spirit complaining of the sad state of the Fellowship; the bleeding deacon who sighs over the sins of 'Middle of the Road AA'; politicians and reformers who are sure AA would be Utopia if everyone else would only behave; the deposed group chairman who thinks the group has wronged him; and the Twelfth-Stepper who has lost all credibility and is locked up in the prison of his own judgements. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

. . . So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

. . . We had to quit playing God. It didn't work."

• Do I have a sponsor who practises the Twelve-Step programme of recovery set out in Alcoholics Anonymous ('Big Book')?
• Is my sponsor taking me through the first nine Steps?
• Which Step am I on? Which part of that Step am I on? What action am I taking today on that Step?
• If I am blocked, is that because I am unclear what to do next, or is the problem lack of willingness?
• How soon can I call my sponsor to discuss what action to take to remove the block?

• Am I practising Step Ten today, throughout the day (see below)?
• Did I carry out the 'when we retire at night' Step Eleven exercise last night (see below)?
• Did I carry out the 'on awakening' Step Eleven exercise this morning (see below)?
• Am I pausing when agitated or doubtful (see below)?
• Am I making and taking every opportunity to give away everything I have learned and been shown in AA to those who are newer or struggling more than me?
• Is there any area where I am not practising Steps Ten to Twelve?

• Am I going to meetings of a fellowship(s) where people have the same addiction(s) as me?
• At those meetings, do people talk as much or more about this solution as they do about the common problem?
• Am I joining in before, during, and after these meetings?
• In between meetings listed in the meetings directory, do I spend time on the phone and in person sharing experience on the solution to our common problem?
• Do I have fellowship with people who are newer, people who are peers, and people with more experience?

• Do I perform group-level service ('unity commitments')?
• Do I perform service which involves carrying the message (sponsorship, helping newcomers understand the basics of the programme, public information/health liaison work, etc.)?
• Do I apply this principle in all my affairs: "Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it," (102:0) and follow through with practical action?

• We continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear, as we go through the day.
• When (not 'if') these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. Note there is no analysis. Do not seek to 'understand' as a method of 'processing' these. Understanding comes automatically from this process. Note that we ask God at once, not at the end of the day.
• We discuss them with someone immediately. Apply this if you are so deeply involved in your own drama you cannot function. Otherwise, get on with being helpful wherever you are.
• We make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.
• Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Take whatever action suggests itself on the basis of this.
• When disturbed, we ask God to show us how to be loving and tolerant. We use love and tolerance as our yardsticks for making decisions and treating others.

• Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Pick the top one of each and resolve to discuss with a sponsor or friend the next morning.
• Do we owe an apology? Make a list of people to apologise or make amends to the next day, where applicable.
• Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Make a list of such matters and whom they will be discussed with.
• Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better?
• Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?
• Be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.
• Ask God's forgiveness (and know that it will be totally given).
• Inquire (of God) what corrective measures should be taken. Keep it simple (a couple will do). Check them out with someone with more experience in the programme if you are new to this or unsure.

• We ask God to direct our thinking.
• We ask God especially that our thinking be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
• We consider our plans for the day. If we have none, we ask God to show us how to be useful and draw up plans.
• We consider how the corrective measures from the night before can be applied.
• We ask that God show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love (83:2).
• We ask God to show us how we can help anyone who is suffering from alcoholism (164:2).
• If we face indecision: we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle.
• We pray some set prayers that emphasize the principles of AA.
• We read some spiritual literature and ask God to show us how we can apply it to our day.
• Finally, we pray that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped.

• We ask God for the right thought or action.
• We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show.
• We say to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done."

• Do I want to be free of this anger, resentment, etc?
• Do I want to continue being dominated by the actions of others or my own failings?
• I realise that the person who I think has harmed me is spiritually sick—driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity—just like me. The harm—real or fancied—is not personal. It is an expression of their self-centredness, just like my harm to others.
• I ask God to help me see things from their point of view (the 'entirely different angle') and to show them tolerance, pity, and patience.
• I pray this prayer: "This is/may be a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." Note that I am the one who needs saving, not him.
• I avoid retaliation or argument (including mentally).
• I ask God to show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of the person.
• When thoughts of the resentment reoccur, I bless the delinquent briefly and get on with my day.

• I realise I am scared because I think I will not gain something or lose something I need to be happy or satisfied. Self-reliance has failed me.
• I realise that God can provide whatever I need if I stay close to Him and perform His work well.
• I make the decision to trust infinite God rather than my finite self.
• I make the decision to let Him demonstrate through me what He can do.
• I ask Him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be, both in relation to the situation in which the fear is arising, and right here, right now, in the situation I am actually in.

The manifestation in my consciousness of the spiritual malady that underlies alcoholism is, for me, best described by the phrase 'restless, irritable, discontented' (p. xxviii of the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous'). Restless: I want to be anywhere but right here, right now. Irritable: nothing seems right, even when it is right. Discontented: nothing seems enough, even when it is enough. This is less a set of emotions and more a state of being stemming from a perception: that, even when all is well, everything is wrong.

When alcohol worked, this was reversed: right here, right now was where I wanted to be. Even when everything was wrong, it was right. Whatever I had—as long as I had drink—was enough.

I did not drink solely to change how I felt or to escape the consciousness of my circumstances, although these were pleasant—and somewhat hit-and-miss—by-products of the effect of alcohol on my brain.

I drank to change the way I saw the world. One drink and the invisible goblins would set to work restoring the world around me to its rightful state, making innumerable tiny adjustments, until, after the third or fourth drink, I could rest. This is the effect on me produced by alcohol (p. xxviii). This sensation was indeed elusive: sometimes I caught it, sometimes I didn't; it was elusive also in that I muddled the superficial emotional shifts with this underlying change in perception: I thought that I drank just because of anxiety and depression, but, in truth, I drank—and drank to alcoholic excess—even when there was no anxiety or depression to treat.

But there was always the distortion of perception: and this is what alcohol really addressed.

***

For the longest time, I tried using the AA programme like a set of ordinary psychological devices to help me manage my life more effectively. And, externally, it did just that. But there was still a sense of wrongness: like watching a 3D film without the 3D glasses. At times, everything was perfect externally, but something was wrong deep inside, at a level beyond emotion and circumstance. When my emotions were out of kilter or my circumstances needed correcting, the noise of my thinking and the seismic tremors of how I felt were so distracting that I could not see the underlying uneasiness with the world, as though the whole planet were turning on a tilted axis. Ironically, I spotted it only when everything else was aligned, when my mind and emotions were quiet.

(This, incidentally, may be why, although we have stories in the basic text part of the Big Book ('Alcoholics Anonymous') like the crazy man who hits himself on the head with the hammer so he doesn't feel the ache (p. 23) and the thrill-seeking jaywalker (p. 37), our four main characters who display the anatomy of alcoholism without the emotional flesh—the certain American business man (p. 26), the man of thirty (p. 32), Jim (p. 35), and Fred (p. 39)—cannot blame their first or subsequent drinks on unusually warped emotion or circumstance. Respectively, we have a man whose physical and mental condition are unusually good, a man who has had a successful and happy business career, a man having a perfectly normal day, and a man without a cloud on the horizon. Strip away emotion and circumstance, and real alcoholics try the desperate attempt of the first drink (p. 35) despite the suffering and humiliation (p. 24) of whenever—last week or twenty-five years ago. No excuse. There must be something else going on.)

This is one of the baffling features of alcoholism as we know it—the utter inability to be at ease in the world, no matter how great the necessity or wish (cf. p. 34). I knew I ought to be at ease, that I ought to be satisfied, that the world ought to be enough. And, being a 'good boy' in AA (with my regular meetings, my sponsorship—in both directions, my periodic Step Four reviews of the tired old defects, my chatting through my problems with AA friends), I could not understand why I was consistently alienated from the world around me and drawn back to an AA that, cognitively, I no longer believed could alleviate this underlying uneasiness. After all, if it was going to, it would have kicked in by now, surely? Fifteen years is a long time to wait.

But something (or Someone) told me that the answer did indeed lie somewhere in AA, even though I felt, erroneously as it turned out, that I had exhausted its possibilities. The best description of this endless searching is this:

"You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life—that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there ... like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?" (The Matrix)

I had always known I was an exile from the kingdom (sorry, Camus). The kingdom had consistently eluded me ("the sensation is so elusive ..." p. xxviii). Alcohol (and a couple of other neat substances and behaviours) temporarily gave me a sham sensation that I was home. AA gave me a pink cloud (aka God's infinite grace) for a while, which, years later, I would nostalgically yearn for, while dismissing that yearning as unrealistic.

But I have now found the kingdom, and, though everything is the same, nothing is the same.

The splinter in my mind is gone.

I've been shown a path through the book Alcoholics Anonymous and the programme set out in such masterly detail (p. xxvii) in its pages that has released me from the Matrix. It has not taught how to manage my life, or the world, more effectively: it has released me from it. I still move within it, obviously; my feet are on the ground, because that is where my work is (cf. p. 130), but I am no longer of it.

"Do not try and bend the spoon ... that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth.
What truth?
There is no spoon.
There is no spoon?
Then you will see, it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

What I tried to do for fifteen years in AA was to satisfy the spiritual yearning with the material, the mental, and the emotional. It did not work. I was always left wanting.

What I have been shown is the attachment—at cellular level—to the world around me, my utter dependence for any shred of happiness or satisfaction on the kaleidoscopically shifting fragments of approval, respect, appreciation, belonging, validation. My attachment to things, to achievement, to fixes, to thrills, to sensations, to people, to patterns, to routine, to identities I had invented merely so I would have something to identify with.

"The Matrix is everywhere. It's all around us, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you pay your taxes. The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth. What truth? That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is—you have to see it for yourself."

Steps One to Nine unhooked me, cell, by cell, by cell. And I could not be told: I had to see it for myself: my automated reactions, the endless banks of buttons inside me just waiting to be pressed, and how I would dance like a puppet for my masters: alcohol, approval, respect, appreciation, belonging, validation.

In 'The Matrix', the separation from the system is sudden. In AA, it is slower, and the process appears never to be complete. But it is just as inexorable.

"You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependant on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

Only when the system became unbearable was I willing to face the choice: one was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation as best I could (drunk, or sober); the other, to accept spiritual help (p. 25).

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back ... You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up and believe ... whatever you want to believe."

I do not know how many chances we are really given: drunk, or sober. I've learned to take the opportunity now, because I never know if I will be passing this way again.

"You take the red pill ... you stay in Wonderland ... and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember ... all I'm offering you is the truth: nothing more."

Strip away illusion, and you are left with truth. Like the sun hidden in a cardboard box.

The world has become Wonderland to me. A world where the sky above Bethnal Green is filled with diamonds and clouds of butterflies fly out of people's mouths.

As a friend of mine replied with a grin when asked how he was, "Fourth Dimension, innit?

The Twelfth Step suggests, firstly, that we try to carry this message to other alcoholics, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, and then that we try to practise these principles in all our affairs.

In AA today, this first element is carried out in great part through the vehicle of sponsorship.

There are many models of sponsorship. Stalin running the Soviet Union is one. As my friend Tom says, with similar results, at times. Then there is the long-suffering Samaritans call-centre model. I've been at the receiving end of this type of sponsorship, and the result was a deepening of my self-absorption, and the perverse satisfaction of having taken someone else hostage in it. Then there is the preacher leading his flock to the New Jerusalem. The land ultimately settled is sometimes not as 'green and pleasant' as the vision would promise, however, and there can be a separation from the rest of AA—or the rest of humanity—and I'm reminded of the creepy preacher from Poltergeist II who leads his followers into an underground cavern where their souls are trapped for eternity.

The image which, right now, best reflects the role is lift attendant.

I am not the power. I am not the light. I just know how to operate the lift, because I was shown, and I can show you the twelve buttons for each of the twelve floors. And I can take you up to the twelfth floor, the roof terrace, where you can see the whole world from a single vantage point, the air is clear, and you are totally free.

If you want to stay on the ground floor—floor zero, be my guest, but I cannot stay down there with you for long. I have a job to do. If you do not want to come up in the lift with me, that is your business. Please make way for someone who does actually want to use the lift. The lift is here, ready, once you are sick of the lobby.

If you think there's anything else in the lift other than the twelve buttons, there is similarly nothing I can do for you. What else is there to press?!

The ground floor is hell. I've been liberated from alcohol and from myself—and that is what hell is, active addiction plus imprisonment in my own thoughts.

The roof terrace is great. But my work is bringing people up from the ground floor. The lower floors of the building are not easy places to be, but I have to go back there to find people who want to escape, because those of us who have been liberated are the only ones who know how to operate the lift. If we do not help, no one else can.

Many people, having been taken up to the roof terrace, just stay there, enjoying the view.

There are times when it feels as though all I am doing day after day is going up and down in the lift.

Self-pity can creep in, as I become jealous of those lounging on the roof terrace.

This is a distortion: even when I am working with others, sometimes, for three or four hours a day, that still leaves a lot of other hours in the day for the rest of what life has to offer.

There's nothing quite like the feeling, however, of knowing that I have been used as one of the channels for effecting change in another person's life. Of knowing that, with each person saved, a new lift is created for people to be delivered from hell.

In those moments, I know 100% that there is an infinite power in the universe, and it is that knowledge that supplies the genuine joy of living. And, without that, the roof terrace is just a roof terrace.