I've been a sponsee and a sponsor in AA for pretty much the whole time I have been a member of AA.
There are some approaches that work and there are some that don't.
What works:
- Presenting the situation to my sponsor
- Listening to the solution offered
- Implementing the solution offered promptly, cheerfully, enthusiastically, and to the letter
What does not work:
- Reacting when I am offered a solution
- Resisting or rejecting the solution
- Attempting to negotiate a different solution
- Reproaching the sponsor for offering the solution or following it up
- Grumbling to my sponsor about the solution
- Saying I'm complying grudgingly, under duress, or under protest
These behaviours serve no good purpose and are a tiny little bit rude. Sponsors often spend several hours a day on sponsorship, and such time is offered freely and for no recompense. I aim to take up no more time than is strictly necessary to obtain the solution I need, so my sponsor can get back to his day.
I am free to apply or not apply the solution offered.
If I do not, yet present the same or a similar problem in the future, I should expect to be offered the same solution.
The solution does not change just because I do not like it.
I may adapt the solution (adding, altering, or removing elements), although I will not get the same results, so this is at my own risk.
If I do so, I need not involve my sponsor or seek his stamp of approval. I may well be right, and he may well be wrong. But it serves no purpose to tell him so or attempt to induce him to agree with me.
I do not share with my sponsor my own or others':
- Criticism of the solution or the sponsorship
- Resistance to the solution or the sponsorship
- Rejection of the solution or the sponsorship
- My own or other preferred alternatives
I also avoid manipulative tactics (of which there are many) that seek to alter how I am being sponsored. The list includes in particular threats, nit-picking, legalism, sighing, face-pulling, argument, and general contrariness.
Sponsorship is already emotionally taxing for sponsors. I seek not to add to this by being recalcitrant or vexatious.
As in any other relationship, it's obviously OK to ask questions or make requests, but it's also OK for the sponsor to respond as they feel guided.
As in any other relationship, it's obviously OK to ask questions or make requests, but it's also OK for the sponsor to respond as they feel guided.
As a sponsee, I may walk away at any time, and approach one of the millions of other members of AA round the world if the sponsorship offered does not suit me. My sponsor has no hold on me.
It makes no sense to remain the sponsee of a sponsor whose suggestions I do not fully approve of. Sometimes people say they want the sponsorship but not (all) the solutions offered. This makes no sense. The solutions are indeed the sponsorship. If I do not want (all) the solutions offered, I do not want the sponsorship. It would make equally little sense to say that one loves a particular grocery store but dislikes its products.
As a sponsee, I may well be right that the solutions offered are inappropriate in general or for me. In that case, I'm more spiritually enlightened than my sponsor, and I need a new sponsor. What I am saying is I no longer want this particular brand of sponsorship or this particular sponsor.
I have indeed changed sponsor myself over the years, for this very reason. I thank the sponsor and move on.