We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. (P. 69:1)
Make a list of the people you have had sex with, thought about having sex with, or wanted or tried to have sex with, and people who have made romantic or sexual advances to you, i.e. anyone with whom there is sexual tension of some sort.
If there are a lot (and there might be!), have categories (e.g. “work colleagues I flirt with”, “people I make passes at”, “one-night stands”) and write about your typical behavior rather than going through each person.
Where had we been
- (1) selfish,
- (2) dishonest, or
- (3) inconsiderate?
- Whom had we (4) hurt?
- Did we unjustifiably arouse (5) jealousy,
- (6) suspicion or
- (7) bitterness?
- (8) Where were we at fault,
- (9) what should we have done instead? We got this down on paper and looked at it. (P. 69:1)
Take an A4 booklet and divide each double page into 9 columns. Answer these nine questions for each person on the list.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mould our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed. (P. 69:2)
Using question (9) above, formulate a sane and sound ideal for your future sex life, from the point of view of what you can give, rather than what you can get. Note the word ‘sane’: it must be something within reach.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final arbiter. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
…
We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. (P. 69:3–70:2)
This provides you with a template for dealings with problems:
(1) Ask God to mould sane and sound ideals.
(2) Ask, “am I being selfish?”
(3) Ask God to help you live up to them.
(4) Remember your abilities, attributes, and faculties are God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly not to be despised and loathed.
(5) Be willing to grow towards the ideal (recognizing this will not be an overnight matter).
(6) Be willing to make amends except where to do so would injure them or others.
(7) Ask God what to do about each specific matter.
(8) Counsel with others.
(9) Let God be the judge, not others.
(10) Avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
(11) We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
(12) If the problem is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? … If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson (p. 70:1)
There is an important lesson here: it is not the degree of attainment that determines whether we will get drunk but our willingness and action to take us towards the ideal, wherever we are on the path.
Write our your own sane and sound ideal – Called the sex ideal in the Big Book. The following may help: