If these help, great. If not, don’t worry about them. They’re just ideas.
You get on with what you need to get on with.
They get on with what they need to get on with.
If you want to hang out and do something together, do it.
If you want to be quiet together, just reading or something, do it.
If the other person wants to be quiet, alone, or elsewhere, fine. No complaining, carping, or expressions of disappointment.
Your job is to serve them. Ask regularly if you can do anything to help.
If they say ‘nothing’, drop it and go and do something else.
Forgive them for everything by simply overlooking ‘faults’. They’re not faults, anyway, they’re traits. No criticism, ever.
Allow yourself the occasional polite request. What’s ‘occasional’? Maybe once a month. Not much more.
If you want help, ask for it, and present it as such. No orders.
If you do something wrong, admit it, and don’t make excuses.
Apologise and ask what you can do to make it right. Then do it.
Express appreciation, affection, and loyalty every day.
Be pleased to see them. Be pleased to be with them. Show it.
No one has the following qualities absolutely and at all times: they are ideals to work towards.
Emotional maturity
- Emotions are largely appropriate, timely, and proportionate,
- Emotionally continent: knowing when to share and when not to share emotions
- Having a system for handling and processing negative emotions safely, effectively, and with the right person
- Calm and cheerful in the face of challenge, reversal of fortune, frustration, or adversity
- Stable, consistent, and reliable
- Capable of adjustment, adaptation, and change
- Largely free of resentment, fear, guilt, shame, jealousy, envy, bitterness, suspicion, and hostility
- Forms alliances not dependencies
Competence
- Handles practical matters promptly and appropriately
- Takes active responsibility
- Far-sighted and strategically adept
- Can plan and follow through
- Knows when to ask for help and from whom
- Has some special skills
- Rational
- Knowledgeable
- Can plug knowledge gaps with research
Unselfishness
- Places common welfare first
- Seeks to give rather than to get
- Has one or more constructive missions in life
- Moral
- Considers others first or on an equal footing with self
Boundaried
- Takes responsibility for self
- Puts own oxygen mask on first: makes sure own needs are met
- Fully self-supporting through own contributions
- Does not take inappropriate responsibility for others
- Does not control, manipulate, or bulldoze
- Lets other be responsible for themselves
- Does not accept unacceptable behavior
- Does not make excuses for others
- Does not clean up others’ messes
- Does not caretake
- Does not fix
- Does not see others as responsible for self
- Does not seek a rescuer
- Does not put others on a pedestal
- Does not blame others
Loving
- Safe: does not attack or undermine the other person
- Loyal: sticks by and defends the other person
- Supportive: provides practical help and encouragement
- Accepting: does not seek to change the other person’s nature
- Engaging: invites togetherness and closeness
- Valuing: treats the other person as important