In the third column, we identify how others’ (column 1) behavior (column 2) affects us.
How to work out which area is affected
Scripts
If I don’t think others are acting right in a non-sexual scenario, my personal relations are affected.
If I don’t think others are acting right in a sexual scenario, my sexual relations are affected.
Outcomes
If my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities are harmed or threatened, my pocketbook is affected.
If I need something I’ve not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my security is affected.
If I want something I’ve not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my ambitions are affected.
Image
If I’m bothered by what others think about me because of the event in column 2, my pride is affected.
If I feel ashamed or inadequate because of the event in column 2, my self-esteem is affected.
How to ‘consider it carefully’ (bottom of page 65)
Personal relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
Sex relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
Pocketbooks: How does the situation affect my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities)?
Security: What do I need that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
Ambitions: What do I want that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
Pride: How do I think he/she/they see(s) me? How do I want him/her/them to see me?
Self-esteem: How do I see myself? How do I want to see myself?
Example answers:
Personal relations:
He should be clear and straightforward.
They should seek our advice and act accordingly.
He should share on the topic.
She should be polite and not be accusatory.
She should not tell me off.
Sex relations:
He should fancy me.
He should initiate sex with me.
Pocketbooks:
If they don’t like my work, they will not commission more. Affects my income.
Because the washing machine broke, I will have to pay £200 to have it repaired. Affects my expenditure.
When the stock market goes down, my savings drop. Affects my assets.
When interest rates go up, my credit card debt increases faster. Affects my liabilities.
Security (another word for wellbeing):
To be OK, I need somewhere to live (physical wellbeing)
To be OK, I need the AA group to remain stable (mental and physical wellbeing)
To be OK, I need my other half to be happy (emotional wellbeing)
To be OK, I need a sponsor to provide guidance (developmental wellbeing)
To be OK, I need to spend time with my best friend (social wellbeing)
To be OK, I need free speech to be maintained (societal wellbeing)
Ambitions:
I want to be given high-profile work.
I want to have lots of free time to read.
I want to go on holiday to Germany.
I want to look like Justin Bieber.
I want to look like Marilyn Monroe.
Pride:
He sees me as a pushover, a patsy. I want him to see me as a respected authority.
He sees me as an equal. I want him to see me as a superior.
She sees me as difficult and thoughtless. I want her to see me as helpful and professional.
Self-esteem:
I see myself as inefficient and useless. I want to see myself as effective and competent as a sponsor.
I see myself as error-prone and uninteresting. I want to see myself as flawless and impressive as a writer.
Template
Personal relations: He should/she should/they should …
Sex relations: He should/she should/they should …
Pocketbooks: What has happened/will happen/might happen? Does this affect my income, expenditure, assets, or liabilities?
Security: To be OK, I need …
Ambitions: I want …
Pride: He/she/they see me as …; I want him/her/them to see me as …
Self-esteem: I see myself as …; I want to see myself as …
Here are some more tips for this – https://www.1st164steps.com/resentment-column-3-tips/