Step 04: Resentment inventory: Column 3 tips
We’re after the demands that are not being met (so the ‘self-seeking’ from page 67). These demands slot under the seven areas of self.
Describe the demands by picturing the world as you would like it, in as far as it relates to this situation.
Don’t just reword, amplify, invert, or embellish the resentment.
Start with personal relations. A good starting point is to invert the resentment, but then generalize a little to derive the demand. Then ask how outcomes and image are affected.
Example
I’m resentful at Susan (employee).
Cause: She called me a bossy boots.
Personal relations:Don’t call me a bossy boots. Do not criticize me. Express gratitude.
Pride: She sees me as a bossy boots. I want her to see me as a great authority.
Full worked example
I’m resentful at Martina.
Cause: She has a successful career.
Personal relations: She should fail or she should be mediocre.
Self esteem: I see myself as a failure. I would like to see myself as a success.
I’m resentful at Peter.
Cause: He blames me for his negative emotions and problems.
Personal relations: He should take responsibility for his negative emotions and problems.
Pride: He sees me as inconsiderable and selfish. He should see me as innocent and helpful.
Further questions and considerations
Ask whether what you have written in the third column adequately explains the resentment in the second column.
If the plan were to be fulfilled (i.e. all the third column demands were met), would that eliminate the resentment, or would some element remain?
Is my third column a tight, clean, clinical analysis of why I’m resentful in column 2? Or is it a splurging, venting, stream of consciousness? Aim for a tight, clean, clinical analysis.
Sometimes the demands you discover actually go beyond the scope of explaining the resentment you wrote about in the second column. If that is the case, you might have discovered there is a further resentment. If that is the case, add that resentment and separate it off.
Try to word the demands under ‘personal relations’ positively (where possible), e.g.:
Be kind. Be supportive. Break bad news with gravity and decorum. Tell the truth. Tell nothing but the truth. Tell the whole truth. Think before you speak. Comply with my requests. Get sober. Stay sober. Go to meetings. Provide well-informed clear advice to the public. Call me regularly. Tell funny jokes. Accept my boundaries with grace.
Avoid figurative and/or vague language, e.g.
Show respect. Don’t be an arsehole. Go the whole hog. Suck it up.
Speak deferentially. Do not attack me verbally. Complete the tasks you are assigned. Don’t complain. Be cheerful.