Step 0 · straight through

The admission that precedes the Steps: am I done?

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Step Zero: The now and forever deal

· original

The phenomenon of craving (the desire to continue drinking after the first drink, which is not satisfied by drinking) means that I can never drink safely. Legion alcoholics in AA have demonstrated that, if one has a history of problem drinking, resuming drinking after many years of sobriety is risky, and that the phenomenon of craving will typically kick in, sooner or later. If it kicks in, whether or not the individual returns to permanent sobriety is a matter of fate or luck than a matter of choice and willpower.

To really accept and live what AA has to offer, this must be understood, accepted, and internalised as the prevailing state of affairs.

Any reservation concerning this will create double-mindedness, which, like alternating between two different destinations on the satellite navigation system, produces a chaotic life sober, and ultimately a return to drinking, to resolve the tension once and for all. The system abhors tension and cares little whether the tension is removed by surrendering to sobriety or surrendering to the razor-blade-studded waterslide of alcoholism.

Here are some good quotations from the Big Book stressing the absolute nature of alcoholism and the absolute nature of the dedication to sobriety that is required:

... the phenomenon of craving ... has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.

If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.

For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.

Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. ... There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.

Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.

But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good.

This experience ... may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever.

Will he take every necessary step, submit to anything to get well, to stop drinking forever?

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. ... Should you wish [these things] above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come.

But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. 

I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn’t want to quit, I certainly ought to want to, and that I was willing to do anything in the world to stop drinking.

Step 00: Am I done?

· original

Preparatory reading 1: Paul Martin's essays for The Grapevine


Here

Preparatory reading 2: The Second Surrender


Here

Introduction

Alcoholics in recovery for a while who have completed the Steps in the past sometimes hit a rough patch.

Sometimes the rough patch can be fixed with a 'semi-annual or annual housecleaning'.

This is fine if the house is basically fine and just needs cleaning.

Sometimes the house has a structural problem.

List 1: Evidence of structural problems: The Bedevilments

- We were having trouble with personal relationships
- We couldn’t control our emotional natures
- We were a prey to misery and depression
- We couldn’t make a living
- We had a feeling of uselessness
- We were full of fear
- We were unhappy
- We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people

... —was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.

List 2: Evidence of structural problems: Let's Get Practical

- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of anxiety
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of depression
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of resentment or grievance
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of guilt, shame, or remorse
- Thoughts of death
- Thoughts of suicide
- Thoughts of relapse
- Feeling worthless
- Feeling trapped
- Feeling one is ‘going round in circles’
- Feeling that life is pointless or empty
- Writing off unhappiness as ‘part of life’
- Often, usually, or always waking up gloomy, frantic, or hopeless
- Saying ‘progress not perfection’ a lot
- Alternating between different modes of being (highs vs low, presence vs dissociation)
- Resignation
- Despair
- Cynicism
- Becoming increasing allergic to certain people, ideas, or situations
- Being ‘easily set off’ by external or internal factors
- Intrusive thoughts
- Repetitive narratives
- Emotional outbursts
- Erratic behaviour
- Missing work, home group meetings, sponsee sessions, or other scheduled activities
- Cancelling or rearranging appointments or commitments more than occasionally
- Not managing to ‘fit everything in’
- Unreliability
- Seeing oneself acting poorly but being unable to stop it in the moment
- ‘Out-of-body experiences’ (and not in a good way)
- Panic attacks
- Rage attacks or ‘seeing red’
- Serious or recurring altercations with others
- Others ‘setting boundaries’, withdrawing, or ghosting
- Imbalance between work, self-care, love, fun, and service
- Physical illness with a psychological component
- Physical illness brought or on exacerbated by lack of self-care
- Bad, erratic, or insufficient sleep
- A sense of separation from others
- Few outgoing telephone calls
- Few incoming telephone calls
- Unreturned phone calls
- Being alone a lot and being lonely
- Having lots of company but still being lonely
- Hanging out with 'lower companions'
- Avoiding 'higher companions'
- Longing for the past
- Longing for a different present or future
- Thinking, ‘When XYZ happens, I’ll be OK’
- Unnecessary planning, scheming, plotting, or fantasy
- Service life dwindling not growing
- Sponsoring of others dwindling not growing
- Erratic or irregular daily programme
- Rarely or never having a sense of the presence of God
- Having an abstract, complex, scientific, hollow, distant, feeble, or bloodless sense of God
- Actions that cause reputational harm to oneself or others
- Financial difficulties
- Addictive or compulsive behaviour
- Overeating, undereating, unintended weight gain, unintended weight loss
- Thrill-seeking
- Risk-taking
- Porn
- Inappropriate sexual exploits
- Gambling
- Others showing concern for one’s welfare

There may be certain external factors in the above, and everyone lapses into a few of these sometimes, but if more than a few of these are 'clustering' in one's life, there's a fundamental problem.

If reading this list is like opening a big box of chocolate-coated ouchies, you're in serious trouble.

List 3: Some relevant quotations from the Big Book

 ... and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.  (Chapter Two)
Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. (Chapter Four)
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. (Chapter Seven)
Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. (Chapter 11)

The exercise

Go through each of the above lists and write out examples from your life that reflect these symptoms.

Read the list to five people in recovery with considerable time.

The punchline

If examination of the above lists reveals anything significant, structural work is necessary to stay sober and to thrive.

When?

Now.

The structural solution

Structural problems require a structural solution.

What's that?

Go through the Steps from scratch, with a completely open mind, being prepared to jettison any belief, idea, value, attitude, understanding, or narrative that is part of the current system.

For the bad to go, the good might have to change also.

Steps Three and Seven involve surrender of everything, the good and the bad, our wills and our lives, to God. The whole thing. Not just the bits that don't work.

The goods bits are what are keeping us tied to the bad bits. The bad bits are the dark underbelly of the good bits.

Let's use this exercise, which we will call, 'Am I done?', to list and label our current problems and to recognise that these flow from fundamental problems that require a fundamental solution.

Here's a prayer:
'God: help me to drop my old ideas; help me to see myself as others see me; help me to see past the ego to the truth; help me see what's really going on.'

Desperation

· original

There are two ways to be despairing.

Method 1: Wait till you crash.

Method 2: Realise your brake line is cut and the brake is never going to work; even though you haven't crashed, and you're sailing along just fine for now, you're in desperate trouble.

Don't look at what has already happened; look for the signs: am I trapped in a fatal progression?

But am I really willing?

· original

The reason my first few years in AA were so bumpy is arguably because I signed up for only as much of the deal as would get me sober and get me what I wanted in life. If more were asked: no, siree. I am busy, and I have interests.

The Big Book is pretty clear, though. It's an all-or-nothing deal. Midway always drifts towards nothing with time, unless the drift is arrested.

Here are some quotes to make the commitment clear.

A good exercise is to ask myself if I'm willing to do these ten things (which are a representative sample of what the AA programme offers):

'It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.' (Page 14)

'For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.' (Pages 14–15)

'All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.' [The sort of effort = twelfth-stepping and sponsorship] (Page 19)

'When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?' (Page 53)

'Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.' (Page 62)

'We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not?' (Page 69)

'Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.' (Page 77)

'Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.' (Page 85)

'Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle.'  (Page 128)


There is no 'try'

· original

When I say, 'I'm doing my best!' and 'I'm trying my hardest!', that sounds great!

Here's the curious thing, however: someone who is just doing the programme is simply doing it. I just walked to work. I didn't really think about it. I just did it. I didn't 'do my best' to walk to work or 'try my hardest' to walk to work. I just did it, and it was done properly: I arrived at the destination. Same with any of the other things I do in the programme.

The above statements really mean: 'I'm experiencing resistance and fighting against the resistance. Although I'm managing to do some things, the resistance is still strong, which is why this feels like an effort. I know the resistance is basically winning, and I'm at the limit of my capabilities.'

If the half measures, or sabotaged measures, are my best, there is no hope. I had better hope that this is not my best! Hope lies not in trying harder but in uncovering and severing the secret alliance with my enemy, the ego.

The above statements, therefore, whether in the mind or in conversation, always mean there's a Step Zero problem: the 'problem' bit of the mind (the ego) is still holding court, and my allegiance is split between it and the 'real me', hence the conflict.

The ego looks and sounds like me. Until I unmask it and discover it is darkness dressed as me, its haughtiness, rebellion, and sneering continued to throws spanners in the works.

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