The first nine Steps break down our old life and strip us away to the bone. But this is not all: if we are to build a new life, we must have a vision and a pathway. These come from God.
‘Steps Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.’ (T**welve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eight, paragraph 1)
Part of Steps Eight and Nine is therefore to ask God for this vision and pathway.
This restores our relationships with others, or in some cases builds entirely new ones.
The sane and sound ideal that we come up with for each major relationship, category of relationship (e.g. sponsees, pupils, cousins), or area (e.g. finances, work, housekeeping, house maintenance, local community, religious practice) evolves over time.
For each, ask:
What is the vision of God’s will for me, what is the sane and sound ideal for my conduct in this area?
Consider long-term direction and what is required to move your life forward (i.e. big changes) as well as daily conduct (i.e. small changes).
**Example: **
Work:
- Seek to earn enough money to cover my costs and have a prudent reserve. Seek to be maximally helpful to my clients.
- Don’t take on inappropriate work out of fear.
- Focus on doing the job effectively and efficiently.
- Leave work at work (don’t think about it elsewhere).
- Be brief, simple, and courteous in my communications with clients.
Further tips
The sane and sound ideal will evolve over time. It should represent what we’re currently working towards, to expand our lives to become the person the Higher Power always meant us to be.
It’s a good idea to have a mix of the abstract and the concrete. Ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thinking, behavior, specific practices.
It can have everything from the abstract ‘patience’ to ‘never mention politics in front of Susan’; it can have everything from ‘show kindness’ to ‘write all of my family members’ birthdays in my diary and send them gifts in good time’.
Some ‘don’ts’ are probably necessary. But ‘dos’ are better than don’ts. We want to expand rather than contract.
Relationships with human beings, in particular, are difficult. To this end, certain other resources may be necessary for inspiration:
Basic resources
Any Al-Anon literature (go to the website or order e-books using the Books app on the iPhone, etc.) The stories at the back of the Big Book
Step Twelve in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (plus some of the other Steps) Chapters Seven to Eleven of the Big Book