Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. (P. 63, ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’)
Note: ‘next’, ‘vigorous action’, and ‘at once’. No delay. No excuse. Why? We’re dying of untreated alcoholism.
A failure to take Step Four immediately will mean that Step Three will have no permanent effect. Conversely, if we do take Step Four immediately, the permanent effect of Step Three—the actual turning of our wills and lives over to God—becomes attainable.
Fancy testing this out by delaying and seeing if you drink again? Thought not. Write on. Right on. Right now.
This is an effort to face and be rid of—not to work on, work through, rearrange, analyze, understand, or cope with what we find.
Send a child to his room to clean it, and he’ll drag his feet. Send a child to his room with a big black bin bag and the instruction, ‘stick everything that you don’t like or are bored with or that does not work in the bag, we’ll take it to the tip, and then I’ll go and buy you a whole load of new stuff,’ and the child will race up the stairs.
That is what the point of this is; to be rid of that which has been blocking us—selfishness and self-centeredness (p. 62).
Funnily enough, the Step Four itself does not do this ‘ridding’. All it does is catalogue the flowerings of selfishness and self-centeredness—resentment and poor conduct (which trap us in the past and separate us from our true selves, others, and God) and fear (which traps us in the futures and separates us from our true selves, others, and God). What it does do is allow us to take Step Five, which lessens the feelings of separation and starts to unhook us from our resentment, fear, and poor conduct—i.e. we realize what we have been being, doing, and thinking, and that this being, doing, and thinking are not us, but the characters we have been playing. Big difference. It also, with any luck at all, engenders such horror at how miserably ineffective a life based on self is that we develop genuine willingness to have God remove these defects, through the purifying fires of Steps Eight through Twelve. It is only through these last five Steps that the permanent change is effected.
Once the selfishness and self-centeredness are relieved, we find ourselves safe and protected from alcohol by God, with whom we are reconnected through our inner beings and through other people, by this process. Our true selves are reborn.
Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. (P. 64:1)
By inference, a person who takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. The full inventory is set out in Step Four; the daily maintenance is contained in Steps Ten and Eleven (adjusting the steering wheel as we go through the day in Step Ten and checking over the engine at night in the Step Eleven review—pp. 84–85 and 86, respectively). Step Four is taking the car into the workshop to be properly serviced.
The Book clearly suggests this is regular. Yearly is good.
Nothing in the human realm seems to get fixed and then stay fixed just on daily maintenance. Gardens need daily care and, periodically, much more radical work. Kitchens need daily cleaning, but, boy, do you sometimes need to get to the back of the cupboard and behind the cooker to find out what that weird smell is. Ships have engineers who engage in daily maintenance, but ships’ engines need periodic overhauling. And shops have staff who manage stock year-round yet still carry out an annual stock-take.
The presumption has to be that regular Step Fours are what is required. One glance at what typically happens to alcoholics over any considerable period of time when Step Four is not repeated will confirm this presumption.
I go stir crazy and end up back on p. 60–62 and p. 52 unless I periodically have a deeper look at the machinations of my resurgent ego. Some people may have egos that are kept in check by daily maintenance. All I can say is, ‘good luck!’, because my ego ain’t that pliable.
Note that this inventory is ‘fact-finding’ and ‘fact-facing’. We are interested in facts, not judgement, opinion, or analysis.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. (P. 64:2)
The third column will cover the various manifestations of self, in the seven areas of pride, self-esteem, personal relations, sex relations, ambitions, security, and pocketbooks. This paragraph indicates that this is what lies at the root of the inventory process. More later, with reference to column three.
Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. (P. 64:3)
See below for an explanation of the word ‘resentment’.
It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Even alcohol? I was brought to the edge of suicide, sober, by resentment. I did not realize that that was what it was: I could only identify feeling hurt and threatened, injured, interfered with, burned up, sore, and grudging (see the list of ‘trigger words’ below). But buried behind each of these was anger and resentment. I do not need alcohol to die of alcoholism.
My spirit cannot be sick; the sickness derives from disconnection from my spirit, caused by resentment. That in turn is caused by selfishness and self-centeredness. And where does that come from?
The best explanation I have heard is this: the putting of self in the place of God as the centre and main objective of my life, combined with the failure to recognize my dependence upon Him for my existence and to recognize the specific relationship I have been placed in by him with the rest of creation.
I cannot, thus, connect with God because I am sitting in his seat. This is cosmic dislocation.
Starting from the surface manifestation of resentment, I can ultimately, always, track back to this root-cause: self-reliance in the stead of God-reliance.
This is why the first inventory is about resentment.
A note on ‘resentment’
The Oxford English Dictionary definition of the verb resent:
7. trans. To feel oneself injured or insulted by (some act or conduct on the part of another); to show that one is displeased or angry at (some wrong, injury, etc. sustained).
A ‘resentment’, therefore is any time you feel injured, insulted, displeased, or angry.
The etymology (word history), contrary to what you will hear in meetings, is not ‘to feel again’ (from the Latin re, meaning ‘again’, and the Latin sentire, meaning ‘feel’). The sentire part is correct; the re, however, has the sense ‘in response to a stimulus, with intensive force’.
You could therefore understand ‘to resent’, for the purposes of your Step 4, to mean ‘to feel intensely in response to a stimulus’. The Big Book (p. 64:3 and p. 65:1) uses the following ‘trigger words’:
resentful
angry
hurt
threatened
sore
burned up
grudge
injuries
a sense of being interfered with
When the text below uses the word ‘resentment’, take that to include any of these emotional states or responses.
Throughout the Step 4, before starting a writing session, read from the ABCs (“(a) That we were alcoholic … if He were sought“) (p. 60:4–6) to the relevant part of the Step 4 instructions in the Big Book that you have reached and meditate for a couple of minutes on why you are doing this.
If you stay connected with the purpose of this—to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us from God—the writing will come more easily.
Then pray the Step 4 set-up prayer: “God, please help me face and be rid of the things that are blocking me; show me the truth.”
Only then start to write.
Once you have completed a writing session, ask God to return you to your day and to keep what you have written on the page, so that you do not then drag it into your day and your meetings, like a piece of tissue paper stuck to your shoe.
Instruction 1—”I am resentful at”
In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. (p. 64)
We went back through our lives. (p. 65)
Make a single list. Do not worry about space—the detail comes later. All you want, here, is names. Institutions would include things like schools, universities, employers, public authorities, councils, the police, etc. Principles would include AA slogans, principles from a religious upbringing, norms in society, etc.
Make this list in full, before going any further. To make this thorough, write anyone or anything that upsets you in any way, not just what you are angry at, i.e. people, institutions, or principles who or which have disappointed you, hurt you, injured you, threatened you, etc. You can put yourself on the list, and you can put God on the list.
Use the full list of nine ‘trigger words’ above.
Where do you start? To go “back through our lives”, we have to start with today, so start with what is current in your life.
How do you know when it is complete? Ask God to show you if there is anyone you have missed. Close your eyes, and wait to be shown, for a few minutes. If any more names need to come, they will come. If names occur to you later, they can always be added later.
Call/Message me when the list is complete.