When you decide you owe someone an amend, do a mental walk-through:
How will I approach them to ask to make amends?
What mode will I use?
In person
Telephone
Letter
Through a third party etc.
Tip: face-to-face is often best, but sometimes written amends
can appear more serious and thoughtful
are less intrusive
allow others to respond in their own way and in their own time
and prevent distortion in what the recipient ‘hears’
Am I aiming to make amends in the same interaction as the approach?
Or is the aim to approach them to set up an appointment to make amends?
For the actual amend, which mode will I use (see above)?
Will I leave the decision on mode to them?
How will I ask they get back to me (if relevant)?
If they don’t respond to the approach (e.g. by email), what will I do?
Some options:
Write a letter two weeks later under a cover note …
… and let them know you will do that if you do not hear from them
Try again using the same mode
Try again using a different mode
Try again through a third party
If the amend is going to be made in person: when and where?
Will a specific appointment be made?
Will the amend be made as part of another event?
Pro tips:
Meeting over dinner can give rise to awkwardness if the amend is over before the food is ordered
Awkward amends are usually best arranged in such a way that either person can extract themselves simply and without delay or embarrassment
In the amend itself:
Will I mention being an alcoholic (etc.)?
Will I mention sobriety?
Will I mention recovery?
Will I mention AA?
Will I mention the Twelve Steps?
Will I mention Step Nine?
Will I mention God?
What harms will I present?
Exactly what will I say?
How will I express regret?
How will I encourage them to respond openly and freely?
How will I offer to make amends / make it right?
Will anyone else be implicated?
Will anyone else be involved in any way?
Will anyone else be harmed? If so, exactly how?
Would I be revealing new information?
Would that information be helpful?
Or would it be hurtful?
Would the revelation itself constitute a harm?
Will the amend improve my ability to be useful?
Will the amend impair my ability to be useful?
How can I be maximally tactful and considerate?
If the amend could turn tricky or nasty, what will I do (be concrete and practical)?
Do I need to take anyone else with me?
Do I need to arrange people to be available to speak to afterwards?
Do I need to arrange a meeting for after?
With each element, consider:
Alternatives
Advantages of each
Disadvantages of each
Ways to mitigate the disadvantages
The overall best
Pray, meditate, read, consider the principles of Step Nine, and consult others
If doubtful, set the material aside and come back to it later