Read page 67.
Instructions
On the back of each sheet of paper from the resentment inventory, answer the following questions on the whole relationship in question, not just the situation that triggered the resentment. Avoid repetition. Not every question will have an answer. Stick to the FACTS (factual, accurate, concise, truthful, specific).
‘Mistakes’: How am I seeing this wrong? How should I see this instead? What did I do I shouldn’t have done? What did I fail to do I should have done?
‘Selfishness’: Where did I (unreasonably) put myself ahead of others (in action)? (You might additionally consider selfish attitudes, highlighting how you have prioritised your interests and what interests of others you have disregarded, in your thoughts and motivations, but keep this distinct from the description of the selfish action. Keep the main focus on action.)
‘Dishonesty’: What lies did I tell? What did I fail to disclose that I should have? How did I misrepresent? How was I underhanded? How did I deceive myself?
‘Self-seeking’: What was I after? Use the seven areas of self as a prompt, e.g., ‘What was I after in terms of security?’, ‘What was I after in terms of pride?’
Specifically:
Pride: How do I want others to see me in this situation or relationship? Self-esteem: How do I want to see myself in this situation or relationship?
Personal relations: How did I want the other person to behave? What would the relationship then have ‘looked like’?
Sex relations: [as with Personal Relations but for sexual relationships] Pocketbooks: What result was I after, financially, in terms of income, costs, assets, and liabilities? Security: What needs did I want met [make sure these are genuine needs]?
Ambitions: What else did I want to happen?
‘Fear’: What was I scared of losing or not getting? To ferret out all of the fears, ask what the fears were in these seven areas of self.
‘Blame’: Where did I cause trouble or make things worse?
‘Faults’: Pick the top three at play in this relationship:
Arrogance; avarice; contempt; cowardice; cruelty; disobedience; distrust; domination; envy; gluttony; impenitence; indifference; jealousy; lack of discipline; lust; malice; over-ambition; over-sensitiveness; presumption; pride; prudery; pugnacity; retaliation; sentimentality; shame (hurt pride); sloth; snobbery; timidity; vanity; violation of confidence; wastefulness.
‘Wrongs’: What did I do that harmed others? Add: ‘Corrective measures’: What should I have done instead / What should I do in future?
Example (imagine a work relationship):
Mistakes:
Saw work as a way to make quick money. Should have seen it as an opportunity for service.
Selfishness:
I did not seek to produce optimal results. I did not give the work the due attention. I sought to get tasks out of the way with minimal effort. I engaged in other activities in the workplace. I did not work extra hours where necessary. I should have prioritised my boss’s objectives (excellent work, performed promptly).
Dishonesty:
Lied about why I hadn’t done the work. Blamed Susan.
Self-seeking:
Pride: I want people to see me as rich and successful. Self-esteem: I want to see myself as a clever wheeler-dealer.
Personal relations: I wanted my boss to give me as little work as possible. I wanted to be praised for what I did. I wanted my errors to be overlooked.
Pocketbooks: I was after an extra £10,000 per year.
Ambitions: I wanted extra money for holidays and a fancy watch. I wanted free time to play on my Playstation at home.
Fear:
Hard work. Being criticised. Being sacked.
Blame:
Didn’t follow instructions. Cut corners.
Faults:
Sloth. Shame (hurt pride). Disobedience.
Wrongs:
Delivered bad work, and my boss had to work late to fix it. Susan got blamed for my bad work.
Corrective measures:
Make amends. Show up early. Listen carefully. Take notes. Tell the truth. Work super hard. Ask for help if needed.
A checklist to help with identifying behaviours:
1. Arguing, bickering, needling (deliberate provocation)
2. Bitching, gossiping, indiscretion, oversharing
3. Boasting, showing off, attention-seeking
4. Brusqueness, impatience, impoliteness, bad-temperedness 5. Coldness, hostility, ignoring, cold-shouldering
6. Complaining, whining, grumbling
7. Criticism, verbal attack and abuse
8. Defensiveness, self-justification, explanations, excuse-making
9. Directing, making demands, and pleading
10. Dominating conversations, flooding, bulldozing
11. Fishing for compliments or validation, eliciting pity
12. Flattery, ingratiation, expressing good intentions
13. Inconsistency, failure to follow through on commitments
14. Indifference towards others’ welfare, inconsiderateness, dismissiveness
15. Indiscretion with third-party information, playing people off against one another
16. Inflexibility, stubbornness, intransigence
17. Laziness, not pulling one’s weight in the home, neglect
18. Lying or withholding or distorting the truth
19. Offering unsolicited advice, fixing, meddling
20. Physical violence, damage to property
21. Punishment, retaliation, and bullying
22. Sarcasm, mockery, cruelty, and malice
23. Stealing, presumptuous ‘borrowing’, or interference with others’ property
24. Taking charge, pulling rank, bossing around
25. Using guilt or incentives to control others’ behaviour