1
Dear Dr. …,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you to apologize and make amends for my past behaviour. As you are aware, I had been having significant problems with alcohol, drugs and prescription medication for the past three-and-a-half years. I entered a 90-day treatment facility in … last August, and have been sober and clean since then. I am very grateful to be sober today and free of the various forms of drugs and tablets I had been taking. However, I will never get over my substance abuse until I have set right the wrongs I have done to many people in my life. I am not writing for any other purpose than to apologize for my behaviour, and to enquire if there is anything I might do that would return the kindness you showed me as your patient.
Whilst under your care, I believe I was a nuisance to you. I lied many times. I was antagonistic last summer when asking for diazepam or other benzodiazepines. I also missed many appointments due to my substance abuse, often not calling or cancelling at the last minute.
I am grateful you recommended the appropriate course of action as re-entering treatment. I was in a very bad place for a long time, and there were several competent physicians who guided me to the right decision.
I would like to thank you for your care and kindness. Your treatment of me was an integral part of my path back to recovery. If there is anything I might be able to do today or in the future to correct any of my wrongs, kindly let me know.
Warm regards,
2
Dear …,
I sincerely hope this letter finds you well. I am writing a long overdue letter to you to apologize and make amends for my past behaviour. As you are aware, I completed a 90-day in-patient treatment in November. I had been having massive problems with drugs, alcohol, and pills for a period that pre-dates our meeting, going back to … I am sober today, free of all substances, and have been for five months.
However, I will not fully recover until I have set write the very significant harm I’ve done to so many people in my life. You are foremost among them. I am not writing for any other purpose than to sincerely apologize and to ask if there is anything I can do to set things right with you. There is no ulterior motive to this letter. I hope you will allow me to make this up to you in whatever way you deem appropriate. …, I realize I have done the following to you during and after our relationship:
I lied to you constantly about my drinking and drug use.
I lied when I tried to hurt you by saying I was dating someone in … in fall of …
I lied when I said I threw your grandmother’s bracelet in the river.
I harmed you after we first met in September … by not calling, leading you on, trying to get back together, and pulling away.
I put my job before you many, many times.
I walked into your apartment in August of …, very drunk, yelled and screamed, threw a fit, and then walked out. I said I was just going to die. This was all some form of manipulation, without any knowledge or consideration on my part of how this affected you or … You did the right thing by calling the emergency services.
I called your friend … for a cocaine connection in early June …, a highly inappropriate act that must have been embarrassing to you.
I was so drunk and high on … Island in early June … that I was passed out amongst your friends, drunkenly slurring that they had to help me find you. How embarrassing and harmful to you this was I can only guess.
I constantly denied you sex.
I was careless in my benzo use, and played a significant part in your use of those pills. I contributed to your seizure and subsequent injury.
I constantly led you on after I moved to …, for over a year. Breaking up, then pledging my love, then breaking up, then going silent. God only knows how much this must have harmed you. I was always careless about your feelings, stepped on your love, and abused your affection, with no thought of anyone other than myself.
I was never there as I could have been to you, …, or your family.
I drank your parents’ liquor when I stayed there last year during Christmas, sneaking down at night and sipping a lemon liqueur, to calm my nerves from all the cocaine I was doing in the bathroom while you were asleep or watching TV. I would like to recompense your parents for this, but only in a manner you suggest and to which you guide me.
My silence since I was in rehab in … hurt you. It is only because of my own blocks, and my desire to only contact you with a full inventory of my harms. It was pure of motive, but absolutely slow in coming. I ask you to forgive me for my silence and any harm it has caused.
You know how much I adore … I never hurt her in any way. But in my state of inebriation, I was not as good to her as I could have been. …, when I was alone with her, however, is an exception. I cared for her as if she was my own child or nephew, as did my parents.
I said insane, crazy, absurd, and hurtful things to you.
I ignored you in late June/early July … when I was packing, when in truth I wanted to be home alone to drink and do cocaine.
I was not the boyfriend you deserve.
If you feel you harmed me in any way, I forgive you unconditionally and completely for everything. In that phase of my life, it’s almost certain that I would have found my own way to any number of hard drugs, and possibly worse drugs. The same applies to alcohol.
Please let me know, if you will, how any of this or anything else I have done has affected you. Do not hold back: part of this process is me learning what effect I have had on others. If there are other harms I’ve caused, and you would like to raise them with me, please let me know. If there is anything else I can do to set this right, tell me. Please let me know, if appropriate, if and how I should repay your parents in any way you see fit. If you would prefer to have no contact, I completely understand and thank you for even reading this letter and giving it consideration.
I learned so much from you. I always think of you kindly. Today, my life is wholly focused on cleaning up my past, helping other alcoholics, and living in the middle of AA.
I wish you joy, happiness, peace, and love.
3
Dear [FATHER OF THE PERSON I OWE AMENDS TO],
I have been trying to trace someone I was at school with, [THE PERSON I OWE AMENDS TO]. I have been unable to trace him directly. […] This is a bit of a long shot, but I hope I have found the right […]. I obtained your address, incidentally, from […].
The reason I would like to contact him is this:
I am a recovered alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. As part of the programme of recovery, we approach everyone we have harmed in our lives and attempt to make restitution for the harm we have caused.
I was at […] School between 1985 and 1990. Alex was in my year and my house […]. Alex was picked on badly by a lot of people at […]. My memory of the circumstances in which he left is hazy. What I do remember is that I was active and complicit in this ostracism and I did not defend him when I saw others behaving cruelly. This must have badly affected him and, by extension, his family.
I greatly regret my conduct at this time, and would like to make amends to you and your family and, in particular, Alex. Alex’s memories of this time may be far clearer than mine, and he may remember specific incidents of my poor conduct that are lost to my memory. I would be happy to hear his side of this and to hear how this affected all of you. Lastly, I would like to know if there is any way I could make amends for this.
I would be prepared to meet you and/or Alex in person to discuss this.
I understand that bringing up these episodes from the past may be troubling and I would quite understand if you wished to let the matter rest at this letter.
Nonetheless, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to straighten out the past.
Best regards,
4
Dear …,
I am writing because I have recently found a spiritual pathway that requires me to revisit all of the harms I have done to others and to rectify them. Yes, it’s a twelve-step programme, and yes, after all these years,
I finally realised that I am an alcoholic. It’s been with me since my mid twenties and was with me on and off during my days at …. Probably about in about year two of my … journey when I started back at university, I stole two bottles of wine from you—a bottle of …, and a bottle of …. It was straight up and down wrong, and I am extremely embarrassed to have to admit this to you now. However, if I don’t, there is a chance I may drink again, and this may very well kill me.
Given the generosity you ladies showed me during my … days, acting that way was no way to repay you. First by taking this action when I was a trusted employee, and then by taking twenty years to redress the situation.
I hope you can forgive me. The enclosed money order is to right the wrong—to cover the cost of the harm, with some inflation. I remember these as being two bottles that I definitely couldn’t afford at the time, and I am reflecting that value in the amount I am sending. I am, very, very sorry for having done this. I would also be grateful if you could confirm if there is anything else you need from me to rectify the situation, or if indeed there are any other amends you require from me of which I’m not aware.
Dispensing with the formalities for a second—and while I still have your attention—I am so very proud to have worked at … and watch keenly from a distance as I see it and … reach ever higher levels.
With love to you three and wishing you the very best always.
5
Dear Mum,
You have seen how well I am these days. I am very happy and have a lot to be thankful for, not least you! I feel our relationship is good today, and we both have a lot to look forward to. My turnaround, entirely due to AA, has been nothing less than miraculous, and I am very grateful to have had your love and support.
As you know, I have been undertaking the Twelve Steps. The basis of the programme of recovery that works for so many is: admitting powerlessness, turning our problem and our lives over to the care of God, undertaking a moral inventory, humbly asking God to remove our shortcomings, making amends for our actions, and continuing to live a spiritual life by using our experience to help others.
I am currently on Step Nine, which is about making amends to those I have harmed. I know I have had a conversation about this with you before, but I am not sure that I have sufficiently done my part. I realise from our last conversation that you feel I do not need to do this; however, it has proved to be a crucial part of the process of recovery since the beginning of AA. Therefore, I am writing you a letter this time to save you any awkwardness and to save me from failing to express myself as I would wish, and I am asking you for the opportunity for me to make amends.
It is important to understand, however, that, although it is a crucial part of the programme, I am not doing this purely for my own sake, nor because I have been advised to, but because I genuinely feel I need to and want to for your sake—because I love you very much, and I wish to make things right.
Due to the nature of my past behaviour and the harm I caused—and the highly imperfect record of my own memory—I imagine it’s neither feasible nor useful at this point to attempt to list all the instances of my negative behaviour towards you and to attempt to make amends for them all. Rather, I would like to attempt to acknowledge in a general way the harm I have caused you, and, if you wish, I would be happy to explore it at greater length with you in future if you would find this helpful.
I am deeply sorry for my behaviour towards you over the years I was drinking.
I considered myself essentially a good person, and, when evidence to the contrary occurred, my own self-centeredness seemed to blind me to it. I would direct blame away from myself and towards you, which was wholly unwarranted.
I was arrogant, snobbish, and proud; I was selfish, vain, and gluttonous; I was lazy and indifferent; I was disobedient. The way I spoke to you was sometimes contemptuous and cruel. It shocks me to think of it now that the haze of self-centredness has been lessened, and I can at least glimpse at my own reflection. I am sorry for it all.
I am sorry for all the times you saw me drunk, how I talked to you and how it affected you. I realise that my behaviour caused you much worry. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you, when I was drinking, to deal with the worry and hurt, but I can only attempt to put myself in your shoes. It must have been awful, and I am truly sorry.
I am sorry for all the harm I caused you, and to those around you as a result of my behaviour, particularly to […].
I am sorry for any way in which my actions negatively affected your health.
I am sorry for taking money from you as a result of my drinking, and I am willing to repay you for this when I am able.
I love you very much—and I always have, even when my behaviour would suggest otherwise. I am trying to make amends for the past and to turn over a new leaf, and work to be a better person. I realise that no number of apologies really rights wrongs, and that the best thing that I can do to make amends is to improve my behaviour from now on.
It is important to stress absolutely that you were as good and as loving a mother as anyone could wish for—I am extremely grateful to you—and that you are not at fault whatsoever for what happened. My defects, including my unnatural reaction to alcohol, are innate in me, and not caused by you whatsoever—you were and are just as powerless over my drink problem as I am, I assure you.
I would be happy to talk about any of this further in person if you wish, although of course I understand if you would rather not.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to make things right.
Yours with much love,
6
Dear …,
I am writing to take accountability and responsibility for my role in …’s suffering, in his passing, and for the ongoing harm I have done to you and to your family. Words fail me in expressing my regret for what I was to …, and for what I am to you, to his sisters, his nieces and nephews, to everyone that knew him; I understand that there is nothing I can do to repair the damage that I’ve done.
My desire is to express my remorse and sorrow, to accept unequivocal responsibility for the harm I’ve caused, and to express my complete willingness to do whatever I can (paltry and tardy as it is). If you have anything you want to say to me, I will listen without argument, rebuttal, or qualification while you share it. If I can help you to understand what the last year of …’s life was like, I will truthfully and completely answer any questions you have. If there is anything I can do, it is my wish to do it; the terms are yours to set. If you don’t want to communicate further, no response is necessary, I will not contact you again. It is not my intention to interrupt your lives or cause you any further pain.
This is not a mitigation, but it is true: I got sober in early … and have remained so since, am an active member of a 12-step fellowship, and spend much of my free time in the mentorship and service of other alcoholics/addicts. I appreciate that the beginning of my spiritual accounting will happen when I die sober, and not a second before. It is my intention and desire to live the rest of my life in a way that atones for my past wrongdoing. I say this not to absolve myself of responsibility, rather so that you have as much context as possible in deciding whether or how to respond. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,