“We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so” (Page 77, Big Book)

“My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator” (Page 13, Big Book)

This comes in the context of Step Nine.

If I do not get my relations with others straightened out, I will feel guilt, and guilt produces fear of retribution—ultimately from God.

Guilt thus causes one to hide from God (think of the Garden of Eden).

One cannot hide from God and seek God’s constant input at the same time.

This is why amends are required for the new relationship with God promised in Bill’s Story.

“We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so” (Pages 77–78, Big Book)

Until I made amends, I could not see things as they were. The mirror was dirty. Amends cleaned the mirror. The mirror, the world, looked different, and, in the mirror, I did, too.

 “make amends quickly” (Page 84, Big Book)

- Acknowledge the action

- Recognise the impact

- Apologise

- Rectify

 “Rifts between me and my relatives or former friends can often be healed by swallowing my pride and making the first overtures toward reconciliation.” (ODAT, 23 June)

… and if they’re not having it, that’s the end of that. I can try later. Once I’ve done everything I can do to mend the rift, I can let the situation go, even if it’s not mended.

“There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen—we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

When I first completed the Steps properly, I whizzed through amends and got them done. Inelegantly at times, but always sincerely, so done they were. Although I later found much more I needed to amend, the first run was genuinely the best of which I was capable.

I have sometimes heard people not completing their amends because we must be kind and gentle to ourselves, and instead recognise how much we’re doing and achieving just by being sober and going to meetings.

The word ‘owe’ is used in connection with amends.

If my clients or employer did not pay me what they owed me when invoices fell due or at the end of the month, because they were being kind and gentle to themselves and were doing so well generally there was no need to pay me as well, I would rightly think myself ill used.

Not only it is unfair to people who I have wronged and who have already waited long enough for an apology or repayment, but it is not even kind or gentle to me, either, to leave my relationships unresolved and my unconscious dirtied with all of the unfortunate acts I have not amended.

The absolute kindest thing I ever did for myself was complete that first set of amends and then clear up whatever arose in my behaviour or consciousness.

There are several points in the Big Book where it is made explicit what the individual must do to avoid drinking and therefore death. Taken together, these constitute the essence of the AA programme, though other elements are presupposed (Step One) or necessary concomitants (Step Ten). The essence can be captured under six headings.

UNITY

One cannot recover alone. This is true at the beginning but also after many years. People drift, dangerously, and drifters drink.

“But out of this frightening and at first disrupting experience the conviction grew that A.A.’s had to hang together or die separately.” (Foreword to the Second Edition, Big Book)

RESENTMENT

The link between resentment and drinking is clear: resentment leads to separation from God; separation from God means separation from our source of protection.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” (Chapter 5, Big Book)

HARMFUL CONDUCT

Lesser known is this item: behaviour that harms others, whether deliberate or unrepentantly permitted, leads to drinking.

“If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.” (Chapter 5, Big Book)

STEP FIVE

Secrecy, specifically lack of confession, likewise.

“The best reason first: If we skip [the fifth] step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. … He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and death errand.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

STEP NINE

On this point, there are two specific injunctions plus a couple of illustrative stories. The two injunctions concern amends in general and creditors in particular.

“[W]e will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow. He attended church for the first time in many years. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. His action met widespread approval, and today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town. This all happened years ago.” (Chapter 6, Big Book) 

“Some time later, and just as he thought he was getting control of his liquor situation, he went on a roaring bender. For him, this was the spree that ended all sprees. He saw that he would have to face his problems squarely that God might give him mastery. One morning he took the bull by the horns and set out to tell those he feared what his trouble had been. He found himself surprisingly well received, and learned that many knew of his drinking. Stepping into his car, he made the rounds of people he had hurt. He trembled as he went about, for this might mean ruin, particularly to a person in his line of business. At midnight he came home exhausted, but very happy. He has not had a drink since.” (Chapter 11, Big Book)

SPIRITUAL ACTIVITY

The necessity of a spiritual life is arguably less well understood in AA. But even when that fact is acknowledged, the purport is often not understood. Often, prayer and meditation, contemplation, spiritual retreats, and other practices are viewed as the content of the spiritual life. These are not the content but the facilitators; the vessel not the draught. The spiritual life is one of work. The following items are placed in a sequence specifically to illustrate this: the two points of the necessity of a spiritual life for mere survival and the core thereof, namely work with other alcoholics. No work with other alcoholics, no spiritual activity; no spiritual activity, no active relationship with God; no active relationship with God, no mental defence; no mental defence, drinking; drinking, death.

“As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help.” (Chapter 3)

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” (Chapter 4, Big Book)

“Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency—he will know of it.” (Chapter 8, Big Book)

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“Both saw that they must keep spiritually active. One day they called up the head nurse of a local hospital.” (Chapter 11, Big Book)

“For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die.” (Chapter 1, Big Book)

“All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)

“Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)

“Though the family does not fully agree with dad’s spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.” (Chapter 9, Big Book)

“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.” (Chapter 7, Big Book)

“All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.” (Chapter 2, Big Book) 

“Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” (Chapter Three, Big Book)

 ... can be found here.

See the front page for links to downloads ('TAPES') and podcasts ('PODCASTS').

 ... can be found here.

If you need to make amends to someone but you can't find them, here's an idea that's just been presented to me. It's definitely applicable within Catholicism (Roman or Anglo-) but there might be adaptations for other denominations:

Have a mass said for the person in question.

 ... can be found here.

Can an amend reopen an old wound?

The problem with this question lies in the question.

[This is a good example of 'begging the question', ...

... which presupposed the answer in the question.]

It presumes that a harm unamended is an old wound.

An old wound is a wound that has healed.

Of course, a wound that has healed should not be reopened.

But an amend cannot reopen a closed wound.

An amend is a disinfectant rinse.

Swill a disinfectant rinse on a healed wound and no harm is done.

Swill a disinfectant rinse on an unhealed wound and the wound can start to heal.

... even if the disinfectant rinse stings. Stinging is not injuring.

If the wound is still open, even years later, it remains a fresh wound.

So, no, old wounds categorically cannot be reopened.

99% of discussion of other people is ordinary, good-natured, and harmless.

1%, if that, crosses the line, and it's this we're going to term gossip.

If gossip is damaging in some way, it might be warranted to call up the person one gossiped to and retract the content. Such cases must be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

In such cases, there is a natural time-limit on retraction, as it's exceptional for the content of gossip to be remembered beyond a few days.

Damaging gossip would be where actual harm has flowed (e.g. from misrepresentation, outright lying, breach of confidence), e.g. in the form of conflict, harm to business interests, damage to reputation, etc. There is also the general harm of the 'bad taste left in the mouth' and the building of relationships on the foundations of unloving thoughts.

Where real harm has been done, which is usually where the gossip has breached its banks and flooded the landscape, direct and overt amends must be made.

Otherwise:

(1) Stop it

(2) If the person is brought up in conversation again, (a) speak well of them or (b) be silent

(3) If gossip is going on around you, quite invisibly redirect conversation to another topic.

Do I make amends to my exes?

But surely raking up the past is harming them?

I suppose it's technically possible to go through life acting perfectly in every situation, never putting a foot wrong, never ruffling feathers, never causing upset, never causing a problem. I'm certainly not that person, and I've never met that person.

Yes.

If the Step Eight is fully prepared (what I did wrong, what I should have done instead, who suffered and how), it's simply a matter of willingness.

Distance and other factors confound physical meeting, but today we can meet virtually, more than ever. It's about making direct amends (i.e. not indirectly, through other people, or somehow abstractly). Not every amend can and need be made face to face. Video calls, telephone calls, and written communications are not only second-best alternatives but often preferable, for reasons I will not rehearse here.

Amends conversations are simple affairs: I admit what I did (if they know about it already), I express regret, I ask what I can do to make it right.

All of this can be done in a few days or weeks, depending on the size of the list.

What about people that can't be traced?

Exhausting the tracing options typically takes no more than a few days at most. You can determine in a few days whether the person can be traced. If not, make a substitute amend to the universe (write a letter to the person, read it out to someone, and/or give time or money to a charity or good cause or take other restorative action). Then you're done. Once a year, revisit the list, try once more to trace, and then proceed as above.

What about creditors?

Not everyone can be paid off immediately but all creditors can usually be approached, acknowledging the debt, and coming to the best arrangement.

What about follow-up actions?

Some amends have a long tail: e.g. remembering someone's birthday every year, or spending time every week for a few years working for a charity for free.

'Completing Step Nine' really means getting to a point where you can look everyone in the eye and the universe has nothing on you because you've done your upmost to date to make amends to everyone for everything. You've tried to trace everyone. You've made amends where you can. The follow-up actions are planned. The payment scheme is in place. Sure, there are future actions to be taken, but you're up to date for now.

Don't wait years. Just because some speakers almost boast about how long it took does not mean you can't proceed effectively and efficiently. Dr Bob was done in a day.

If you're struggling because of lack of willingness, there's a Step One problem.

When I recognised that, in a spiritual disordered state, I could drink at any time, and, if I drank, I might never recover, I whisked through dozens of amends in a few days.

When the person will not see you.

When the person will not talk to you on the phone or similar.

When the person is dead.

When you have completely lost touch with the person and need to approach them in stages.

When they are much older, more senior, more important, or more strapped for time.

When you need to approach the person with particular tact and consideration.

When the subject matter is particularly sensitive.

When the harm involved considerable embarrassment or humiliation of the other person.

When the amend needs to be worded very carefully.

When there is a lot of material to get out onto the table.

When there is a risk the other person will misconstrue what is said.

When there is risk the other person will prevent you from completing an orally delivered amend.

When there is a risk of the conversation becoming derailed.

When there is a risk of other matters eclipsing the amend.

When there is a risk of a romantic or sexual flare-up.

When the harm consisted in violence, stalking, nuisance, interference, or intrusion.

When they have said they do not want to see you or speak to you.

When they terminated the relationship in the first place.

Letters can often open the door to a phone call and / or a face-to-face meeting.

Indeed, a more immediate expression of regret and follow-up should always be offered.

The job is to get the job done in the best way taking into account the other person and approaching them the way we would want to be approached if the tables were turned.

Step Eight identifies where our behaviour is wrong. It also identifies if and how we have harmed others.

Depending on the nature, severity, and circumstances of the wrong and the harm, there are six possible course of action. More than one may apply.

Amend: Full-blown Big Book amend. Where there is harm, an amend is due, except where the usual caveats apply.

Apology: Low-key apology. We've been out of line, no one has been harmed, but courtesy and manners demand an apology.

Acknowledgement of impact: A recognition that one has impacted another but without admitting fault. Practical, emotion, and psychological difficulties can negatively impact others. Where there was nothing we could or should reasonably have done differently in the circumstances, amends and apologies are inappropriate, but acknowledging impact is appropriate.

Thanks: Long-overdue thanks are often welcomed.

Remedial action: Return the book. Clean the mess. Clear the shelf.

Altered behaviour: Our behaviour was wrong but it's below the threshold for an amend or apology, and the 'acknowledgement conditions' are not met. This may apply, too, even where there is an amend or an apology due.

Tactical learning: Sometimes we don't handle something optimally but it wasn't wrong or harmful in any material way. Lessons can nonetheless be learned. This may apply in all of the above cases.

These is the approach I follow:

When taking Step Nine with someone you are not in regular contact with, approach them with tact and consideration.
To to this, approach them in writing explaining why you are in contact with them.
If you do not explain why you are contacting them, they have no cause to reply, as you are not someone they are in regular contact with.
Secondly, if you have harmed them, they may not perceive you benevolently.
Do not, therefore, say, 'I would like to talk to you' or 'Can we meet for coffee?' without further explanation.
If you explain you would like to make amends or apologise for past poor behaviour, they are more likely to respond.
If necessary, make clear there are no ulterior motives.
Offer them the choice of how to receive the amend: in person, by telephone or similar, or in writing.
Say that you quite understand if they do not wish to have further contact, but that, if you hear nothing, you will send through the amend in writing, which they may read or discard as they wish.
Then wish them well in any case.
Two weeks later or so, send the amend through in writing, expressing your openness to follow-up in person, by telephone or similar, or in writing.

The only step you can complete perfectly, is it said, is Step One.

I would question this statement.

Step One is an admission. What is a perfect admission? Presumably an admission without any caveat, proviso, or reservation. Certainly, the Big Book says that there must be no reservation whatsoever. So far, so good.

However, what we’re dealing with in Step One is an alcoholic mind. An idea that can be clear, and wholeheartedly accepted, at ten past eleven in the morning can be joined by other, conflicting ideas by four-thirty in the afternoon, and completely displaced by seven in the evening.

The perfect execution of Step One would be such an admission which, 24 hours a day, for the rest of one’s life, remains perfectly untainted by any contradictory or conflicting thought. Frankly, I seriously doubt that anyone in AA has managed to keep their minds clear of any thoughts that contradict or conflict with Step One, for the rest of their lives.

In fact, it’s axiomatic that AAs, even those who are well recovered and decades sober, will exhibit moments (at the very least), if not hours, days, weeks, months, or years, of self-will, thus back-tracking brazenly on the second part of Step One, the admission that ‘we’ (the ‘small s’ self) cannot (successfully) manage our own lives.

Pretty much everyone I have sponsored, when completing Step One, whilst confident to proceed on the basis that its two propositions are true, concedes the presence and allure of stray thoughts. In fact, the presence and allure of such thoughts is precisely the insanity that the remainder of the steps is designed to combat, so one could expect the elimination of such thoughts only in tandem with the completion of the remainder of the Steps. If their permanent and perfect elimination were secured by the mere taking of Step One, the remainder of the steps would not be necessary.

So, my view is that taking Step One perfectly is an ideal, not an attained state.

Can other steps be taken perfectly? Steps Two, Three, and Six are unmeasurable, and Steps Four, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve are open-ended, with almost unlimited possibilities for expansion in time and scope. Let’s cross those off the list of steps that might be taken perfectly.

That leaves us with Five, Seven, Eight, and Nine.

Seven is a good candidate for perfect step-working. It’s a pivot point in the Steps, a one-off moment, and either one has said the prayer sincerely or one has not. So, Step Seven can be worked perfectly (although one might rightly argue that ‘humbly’ has degrees, and that no one is perfectly humble).

Steps Five, Eight, and Nine, provided that we use what in auditing would be called a ‘materiality threshold’, can be completely perfectly, and a failure to do so will likely result in relapse.

When auditors audit a firm’s accounts, they are not looking for every single error; they are looking for errors that result in material misstatement of the accounts. A threshhold is applied, below which errors are ignored as immaterial.

Similarly, in Step Five, every single manifestation of every character defect (in thought, word, and deed) is not trotted out. To do so would be impossible (for reasons of memory alone) and counterproductive: the purpose of the steps is not to stay locked in self-examination but to clear a path to allow God’s power to flow through us into right action on His behalf for our fellows.

A perfect Step Five is one in which the individual conveys all of the character defects she or he has, and character defects, in enumeration, are finite. The St Augustine Prayer Book contains a great listing, and that’s comprehensive but reassuringly finite. Apart from ‘twists of character’, we are to convey ‘dark crannies’ of the past. I take this to be the shameful and difficult secrets. Again, these are finite. If one works down from the worst, one fairly soon arrives at a point where the remaining secrets are merely minor indiscretions, and there is essentially nothing left hiding in the closet that has not in substance been conveyed already.

In practice, therefore, it’s perfectly possible to effect a perfect Step Five.

Similarly, with the judicious application of a materiality threshold, Step Eight is finite, and that sets the bounds of Step Nine: either one has done one’s utmost to set right these wrongs or one has not. The result is measurable, and perfection is thus attainable. The perfection is not one of outcome but effort.

In my case, the threat of relapse did not subside until I had done a reasonably good job on Steps Five, Eight, and Nine, and in particular the entry into the world of the spirit did not occur until, some years later, I completed Steps Five, Eight, and Nine much more satisfactorily, in each case leaving nothing significant inside that was not conveyed and, where applicable, amended.

Here's a checklist of situations where contacting someone to apologise and offer appropriate action to set right the wrong (e.g. paying what you owe) would injure them or others:

• Where criminal or administrative proceedings would likely be triggered that have further ramifications, involve others, cost others time and money, and impair one's ability to be maximally useful to God in the future (e.g. due to a criminal record).
• The apology would necessitate the disclosure of new information. This might:
• Concern third parties;
• Entail criminal or administrative proceedings (see above);
• Be hurtful in itself.
• Discussion of the original harmful event would trigger associations with another harmful event that is entirely separate.

The Big Book states that it contains clear-cut directions. This is often quoted to suggest that these directions tell us exactly how to take each step, leaving no room for discussion, interpretation, or personal twist, and sometimes people are criticised for filling in the detail or describing Step Nine actions or content that are not set out verbatim in the Book, on the basis that they are somehow deviating from what the Big Book stipulates. Set out below is a worked example, which shows that although there are indeed clear-cut directions, these are not exhaustive and that a certain amount of the content needs to be devised by the person taking the step (presumably based on spiritual principles, prayer/meditation, and consultation with others), in order to take the step in question fully. To take a perhaps ridiculous but illustrative example, imagine a child's colouring-in book, with the designs all laid out, and some of the colours already filled in. The child must fill in the rest of the colours in a manner consist with what has already been done.

What are the clear-cut directions on Step Nine? To arrive at these, let's strip away anything which is not a clear-cut direction, and see what we're left with. This means that general commentary and explanation is disregarded.

From page 76 onwards, the directions are these (paraphrased for brevity); I have limited myself to extracting only that which directs us what to actually say and do:

Maybe mention the spiritual feature of the exercise.
Communicate a sincere desire to set right a wrong.
Demonstrate good will.
Refer to God if relevant.
Confess former ill-feeling to someone we dislike and express regret.
Do not criticise.
Do not argue.
Tell him: we will never get over our drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past.
Never tell him what to do.
Do not discuss his faults.
Stick to our own.
Approach creditors and arrange a good deal.
Tell creditors we are sorry.
If others would be implicated: obtain consent and consult with others before taking action.

Examples from specific amends stories:
Write admitting faults and asking for forgiveness.
Send what money one has, even if it only a fraction of the debt.
Explain intention to continue to repay money owed.
Express willingness to do whatever is required.
Make public disclosure of wrong.
If the aggrieved party does not know of the wrong, do not necessarily disclose.
Do not implicate a third party.
Pray, having the other's happiness uppermost in mind.
In some cases, exhibit 'utmost frankness'.
With family: frankly analyse the past.
Ask God in meditation for the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love.

What is interesting is that the Book tells us a lot about what not to say or do, where to keep our mouths, shut, and where to exercise tact and discretion.

However, it specifically avoids dictating precisely what we say. It is clear we come clean on our faults and express a willingness to set things right, but the content is otherwise left largely open-ended. There is nothing in the way of a script. There is nothing to suggest exactly what we can do to amend the past (beyond paying back the money we owe and beyond admitting harm and apologising). We are to set things right, but we are not told specifically how.

It is important to remember that, as the Book says, 'these reparations take innumerable forms'. The Book specifically refrains from comprehensively cataloguing these, instead setting out general principles, with the authors keen not to lay out any specific rule (see page 81). It is clear, therefore, that we must exercise discretion, and there is indeed ample room for discussion and interpretation of how general principles will be applied in a specific situation. Exactly what we say will have to be decided on a case-by-case basis.

Interestingly, we are sometimes told that Step Nine is not about apologising. Although the word 'apology' is absent, we are indeed told to admit our faults, express regret, say we are sorry, and ask for forgiveness. It is hard to imagine what definition of apology would not include at least one or more of these four elements. There is indeed an admonition against a mere 'remorseful mumbling' we are sorry specifically with the family, since action needs to back up the words (see page 83), and the style needs to be frank and open. There is nothing to suggest that we refrain from apologising at all, however.

To sum up, the 'clear-cut directions' are clear cut in as far as they lay out general principles, but this should not be understood to mean that they are comprehensive, leaving no room for discretion in application, rendering us mindless automata who are committing spiritual heresy by introducing other ideas or discussing specific application. The clear-cut directions deliberately and expressly fall short of dictating exactly what to do in each situation, and instead we have to rely on prayer, meditation, discussion, and careful consideration.

It is very fashionable to make amends to yourself, because, after, isn't it yourself you've harmed the most? Sometimes the authority cited is the later AA literature, for which, read: more evolved.

Let's leave aside the fallacy that, when two ideas are presented, the latter is superior because it was presented afterwards; let's also leave aside the opposite fallacy, namely that the original idea is superior with all later ideas somehow watered down or bleached of significance.

Let's instead examine principle.

First of all, what is the intention behind Steps Eight and Nine per the book Alcoholics Anonymous? It is clearly to resolve relationships that are damaged because we have harmed people and not righted the wrongs. It is self-evident that an amend therefore requires a relationship to obtain. It is furthermore clear from the instructions that the amend takes the form of an admission of wrong and a sincere expression of goodwill in attempting to right the wrong.

With these facts in mind, it is perfectly evident that an amend cannot be made to oneself, unless one is minded to have a conversation, say, in front of the mirror.

It is true that we did harm ourselves. If we were indeed to right that wrong, how would we do it? Well, we would stop drinking, start relying on God, seek God's will to determine the most effective deployment of our time, energies, and talents, and mend our fractured relations with others. In other words, the most effective way to rectify the harm done is to do what we have already committed to doing, namely to take the Twelve Steps.

The first element of making amends, the conversation, is simply not possible without an absurd charade with only one participant.

The second element of making amends, the practical follow-through, is already covered by the fact that one is taking the Twelve Steps. To be of service to others, one necessarily must look after oneself; to make the most of one's life, one necessarily must seek God's will (or, if you like, a humanist equivalent).

The making of amends to oneself is thus a substanceless proposition.

What is equally interesting is the psychology behind the proposition of making amends to oneself. When the idea is presented in meetings, it is usually accompanied by a presentation of all sorts of other ideas such as making amends in God's time not one's own time (for which, read: never), not making amends to exes, not making amends until your motives are entirely selfless, not making amends to people who are just awful, etc. One cannot of course know precisely what another's motivations are, but it is striking how the concept regularly seems to be accompanied by a downplaying of the harm done to others and the overt purpose of Step Nine, plus a renewed focus on self, as though the problem in the past is that we never put ourselves first enough.

It may be the case that we neglected ourselves physically (I feel sorry, for instance, for dental hygienists treating a newcomer AA who has not had his teeth fixed in years), but this was not because we were so selflessly devoted to meeting the needs of others to our own detriment that we failed to look after our own lives; no, the reason we harmed ourselves was because we were bent on more imperious and even more selfish motives that self-care: personal gain, relief, euphoria, and oblivion. Even the genuine martyrs among us had selfish motives: manipulation, punishment, control.

The answer is not, therefore, the cultivation of self but the recognition that if you're in a devil of a state yourself you won't be of use to others, so, to be of use to others, which is the real purpose of Step Nine, you need to attend to the basics of self-care. In other words: put your own oxygen-mask on first before helping others. The mistake, to extend the analogy, is to conceive of the placement of one's own oxygen mask on first as the primary and only objective. Whilst others are suffocating around one, one can lean back, close one's eyes, and enjoy the flow of oxygen-enriched air.

The psychology of the self-amend is thus questionable. By all means, decorate your life with pleasant things and certainly do look after yourself, but don't use this as an excuse to tick the 'Am I taking Step Nine?' box while neglecting the actual substance of Step Nine.

Once the first nine steps have been completed and all of the amends have been made, there can be loose ends.

Step Nine calls for 'direct' amends. Sometimes people say this is necessarily face to face and imply cowardice or stupidity if one fails to see this. However, in 1939, the phrase 'face to face' was available (cf. Webster's, 1913!) but was not used or referred to on pages 76 to 83 (the pages of the Big Book covering Step Nine). No, the word used was 'direct'. Some of the examples given involve face-to-face meetings. Another involves a public disclosure (so not a face-to-face amend to the person harmed); letters are also mentioned.

It is quite plain that 'direct', in this context, means addressing the harm head on.

Cf. Webster's (1913):

1. Straight; not crooked, oblique, or circuitous; leading by the short or shortest way to a point or end; as, a direct line; direct means.

2. Straightforward; not of crooked ways, or swerving from truth and openness; sincere; outspoken.

3. Immediate; express; plain; unambiguous.

(1) I am responsible for my attitudes, thinking, and conduct.

(2) I am not responsible for how others respond.

(3) I make amends where possible …

(4) … but recognise that the responsibility for undoing the harm within the other person is God’s, not mine.

(5) I go to God asking for improvement …

(6) … but do not expect myself to do what is God’s job …

(7) … or vice versa.

(8) I do not beat myself up for having a full range of human failings, as that would imply I’m not supposed to have them.

(9) I do not expect others not to have a full range of human failings, for the same reason.

(10) I do not see the presence of human failings in others as a problem that I caused.

(11) I do not see the presence of human failings in others as a problem that is mine to solve.

(12) Imperfection is perfectly in accordance with the design.

‘When an occasion of practising some virtue was offered, he addressed himself to God saying, "Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enable me". Then he received strength more than sufficient. When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault saying to God, "I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself. It is You who must hinder my failing and mend what is amiss." Then, after this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.’

Read page 76:4 ("Probably . . .") to 83:3 (". . . anyone") and 98:3 ("Now . . .") to 99:2 (". . . parties").

The spirit of amends

How to make amends

Follow-through with family or other people close to us

What to do if you cannot see the person directly

• Praying for knowledge of God's will as to how to make alternative/indirect amends.
• Writing an anonymous letter.
• Writing a letter and reading it to a friend, sponsor, or spiritual advisor.
• Writing a letter and reading it at a person's grave or a place with significance for the person in question.
• Sending money anonymously.
• Giving money or time to an appropriate charity.
• Making indirect amends, e.g. finding a way to help people in a similar position to those your have harmed but cannot make direct amends to.
• Considering what changed behaviour patterns are required on an ongoing basis and adopting those new behaviour patterns.
• Ask your sponsor for further ideas on how an indirect amend can be made.

When not to make amends directly (because it would harm them or others)

Factors that do not stand in the way of amends

When do you make amends?

Financial amends                                          

Step Nine prayers

A way of 'managing' the amends

(1) I'm too emotional—I will drink if I make the amend

(2) In God's time, not mine—I have to wait for the opportunities to come to me

(3) Attempting to complete amends is just being alcoholically perfectionist—'Alcoholics Anonymous' tells us that it is progress not perfection

(4) Making amends just so I feel better is selfish—I have to think about others

(5) I have not changed yet—there is no point in me making the amends until I have changed

(6) They harmed me more than I harmed them/I still do not like the person

(7) There is no hurry—it is not a race

(8) People just want me to be sober and happy—that is my amend

(9) It will upset the person to bring up past harms

(10) They (an ex-partner) are or might be with someone else now