Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.” (Page 73, Big Book)

Way before Step Five, I spent a lot of time talking to people, to get everything inside me out onto the table.

I don’t think it’s possible to stay sober for long holding anything inside. 

“We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.” (Page 75, Big Book)

I asked someone what that meant for them. They said: “I completed my Step Five and I wasn’t struck by lightning. I concluded God loves me.”

What’s your experience?

“But I soon learned that complaining about our oppressions and indignities only makes them loom larger and more disturbing.” (ODAT, 15 March)

If something bad happens, it needs to be mentioned once, in the right way, and to the appropriate person, and that’s the end of it. That’s where Step Five comes in.

Once I’m over it, it can serve as an example of getting over things.

Some rotten things happened during my childhood, but I do not haul them out as badges of identity.

The job is to grow up and toughen up, so that one is bigger than any experience one has.

I’ve dealt with such matters clinically using the Steps, and that’s the end of it.

Things can heal when they’re cleaned up and then left to heal.

“Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.” (Chapter Six, Big Book)

“The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)

In Spirited Away, the apparent Stink Spirit seems like a disgusting monster until what seems like a small thorn is pulled out of his side, and, as it is pulled out, a mountain of tangled garbage way bigger than him is extracted, he is instantly transformed, and it is revealed he is a river spirit. Thus: us and Step Five.

There are several points in the Big Book where it is made explicit what the individual must do to avoid drinking and therefore death. Taken together, these constitute the essence of the AA programme, though other elements are presupposed (Step One) or necessary concomitants (Step Ten). The essence can be captured under six headings.

The fourth of these:

STEP FIVE

Secrecy, specifically lack of confession, …

“The best reason first: If we skip [the fifth] step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. … He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and death errand.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

Secrets make me cautious, cagey, hypocritical, and, by way of compensation, shrill and self-righteous. All of these separate me from others.

“We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.” (Chapter 5, ibid.)

Writing a detailed Step Four and getting input on the detail during the process rewires my mind. There is simply not time to cover the detail adequately in a single Step Five conversation.

I proceeded from my first Step Five relieved but with my world of perception and interpretation largely intact.

On the other hand, in a single Step Five conversation, a broad overview helps right-size the past and me, hence the relief.

This is why I practise and advocate both a sponsor’s close involvement in the Step Four writing process and running through a summary in Step Five with a few trusted AA friends.

In this way, both rewiring and right-sizing can be achieved.

There are several points in the Big Book where it is made explicit what the individual must do to avoid drinking and therefore death. Taken together, these constitute the essence of the AA programme, though other elements are presupposed (Step One) or necessary concomitants (Step Ten). The essence can be captured under six headings.

UNITY

One cannot recover alone. This is true at the beginning but also after many years. People drift, dangerously, and drifters drink.

“But out of this frightening and at first disrupting experience the conviction grew that A.A.’s had to hang together or die separately.” (Foreword to the Second Edition, Big Book)

RESENTMENT

The link between resentment and drinking is clear: resentment leads to separation from God; separation from God means separation from our source of protection.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” (Chapter 5, Big Book)

HARMFUL CONDUCT

Lesser known is this item: behaviour that harms others, whether deliberate or unrepentantly permitted, leads to drinking.

“If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.” (Chapter 5, Big Book)

STEP FIVE

Secrecy, specifically lack of confession, likewise.

“The best reason first: If we skip [the fifth] step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. … He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and death errand.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

STEP NINE

On this point, there are two specific injunctions plus a couple of illustrative stories. The two injunctions concern amends in general and creditors in particular.

“[W]e will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow. He attended church for the first time in many years. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. His action met widespread approval, and today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town. This all happened years ago.” (Chapter 6, Big Book) 

“Some time later, and just as he thought he was getting control of his liquor situation, he went on a roaring bender. For him, this was the spree that ended all sprees. He saw that he would have to face his problems squarely that God might give him mastery. One morning he took the bull by the horns and set out to tell those he feared what his trouble had been. He found himself surprisingly well received, and learned that many knew of his drinking. Stepping into his car, he made the rounds of people he had hurt. He trembled as he went about, for this might mean ruin, particularly to a person in his line of business. At midnight he came home exhausted, but very happy. He has not had a drink since.” (Chapter 11, Big Book)

SPIRITUAL ACTIVITY

The necessity of a spiritual life is arguably less well understood in AA. But even when that fact is acknowledged, the purport is often not understood. Often, prayer and meditation, contemplation, spiritual retreats, and other practices are viewed as the content of the spiritual life. These are not the content but the facilitators; the vessel not the draught. The spiritual life is one of work. The following items are placed in a sequence specifically to illustrate this: the two points of the necessity of a spiritual life for mere survival and the core thereof, namely work with other alcoholics. No work with other alcoholics, no spiritual activity; no spiritual activity, no active relationship with God; no active relationship with God, no mental defence; no mental defence, drinking; drinking, death.

“As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help.” (Chapter 3)

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” (Chapter 4, Big Book)

“Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency—he will know of it.” (Chapter 8, Big Book)

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)

“Both saw that they must keep spiritually active. One day they called up the head nurse of a local hospital.” (Chapter 11, Big Book)

“For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die.” (Chapter 1, Big Book)

“All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)

“Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem.” (Chapter 3, Big Book)

“Though the family does not fully agree with dad’s spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.” (Chapter 9, Big Book)

“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.” (Chapter 7, Big Book)

“All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.” (Chapter 2, Big Book) 

“Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” (Chapter Three, Big Book)

I run through the Steps regularly, and, recently, when I was part-way through Step Five, I started laughing, saying, 'This does not paint me in a very good light at all!' My interlocutor said: 'Yes. You've got a lot to work on.' That's the necessary slap.

At the end, he said that he identified with almost 100% on there. I asked which the defect was for which he could say, 'At least I don't do that.' He told me, and I explained what was meant by the defect, and he corrected himself, 'Oh, I do do that.'

The two takeaways:

1. There's a lot to work on.

2. We're all in it together.

The devil uses the four Ds to ensnare:

1. Deception. Lies. Whispered and believed.

2. Division. Separation from others and God.

3. Diversion. Onto other addictions or useless, destructive activities.

4. Discouragement. This feeds back into 1.

To kick-start oneself back on track:

• Admit, to God, one's abject hopelessness.
• Affirm, to God, one's trust in God.
• Ask God for direction and strength in all things.
• Commit to taking the action indicated.
• Write an inventory on the present state of mind and conduct.
• Read it out to five people.
• Make a list (maybe ten items) of things to do differently (some internal and some external).

For the inventory, maybe pick this. Any list of character defects is good. It avoids the need for inspiration.

Read down the list, and mark up anything that scores a direct hit. Don't fuss or dither. Each item either rings true or it doesn't. You'll know which ones are important. With each hit, write out one example of how that defect is manifesting.

Cap the exercise at one hour.

Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem.

I took Step Five yesterday (with a properly appointed authority). At the end, he asked, 'Is there anything else?'

I looked inside. A couple of things came up. I realise immediately I had covered both, and they dissolved.

And then it was clear: the little wooden box was cleared and entirely empty. There was nothing else. I was aware that all the ego's ammunition had been taken away. There was nothing but me and God.

Of course, the ego will be busy putting little trinkets in the box and is likely already doing so, which is why this process loops. But to get to the point of nothingness: that is the basis on which one then strides into living life solely on the basis of reliance on and service of God.

If there's a rat in a dark room, you won't find it with a torchlight, because it'll scuttle repeatedly into the dark as you sweep the room. You need to turn on the light so you can see the whole room. Thus with the ego. Step Five: turn on the light to see the whole room, and you'll find the ego.

You don't figure out the jigsaw puzzle picture by looking at the individual pieces. They won't tell you anything. Assemble the pieces, then stand back.

Defects come from ego. Virtues come from God. They are not to be equated. Listing virtues side by side with defects obscures their source, appropriates them as the individual's, diminishes their value, and reduces them to same level as the sordid instruments of the ego. Step Five: defects only.

Defects are muck on one's spectacles and the missteps that flow from such blindness. Virtues are correct sight and actions that flow from that sight.

Keep it to one hour. If you think you have more than an hour's worth of defects and secrets, think again.  No one is that bad. Don't repeat; don't waffle; don't delay.

The only step you can complete perfectly, is it said, is Step One.

I would question this statement.

Step One is an admission. What is a perfect admission? Presumably an admission without any caveat, proviso, or reservation. Certainly, the Big Book says that there must be no reservation whatsoever. So far, so good.

However, what we’re dealing with in Step One is an alcoholic mind. An idea that can be clear, and wholeheartedly accepted, at ten past eleven in the morning can be joined by other, conflicting ideas by four-thirty in the afternoon, and completely displaced by seven in the evening.

The perfect execution of Step One would be such an admission which, 24 hours a day, for the rest of one’s life, remains perfectly untainted by any contradictory or conflicting thought. Frankly, I seriously doubt that anyone in AA has managed to keep their minds clear of any thoughts that contradict or conflict with Step One, for the rest of their lives.

In fact, it’s axiomatic that AAs, even those who are well recovered and decades sober, will exhibit moments (at the very least), if not hours, days, weeks, months, or years, of self-will, thus back-tracking brazenly on the second part of Step One, the admission that ‘we’ (the ‘small s’ self) cannot (successfully) manage our own lives.

Pretty much everyone I have sponsored, when completing Step One, whilst confident to proceed on the basis that its two propositions are true, concedes the presence and allure of stray thoughts. In fact, the presence and allure of such thoughts is precisely the insanity that the remainder of the steps is designed to combat, so one could expect the elimination of such thoughts only in tandem with the completion of the remainder of the Steps. If their permanent and perfect elimination were secured by the mere taking of Step One, the remainder of the steps would not be necessary.

So, my view is that taking Step One perfectly is an ideal, not an attained state.

Can other steps be taken perfectly? Steps Two, Three, and Six are unmeasurable, and Steps Four, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve are open-ended, with almost unlimited possibilities for expansion in time and scope. Let’s cross those off the list of steps that might be taken perfectly.

That leaves us with Five, Seven, Eight, and Nine.

Seven is a good candidate for perfect step-working. It’s a pivot point in the Steps, a one-off moment, and either one has said the prayer sincerely or one has not. So, Step Seven can be worked perfectly (although one might rightly argue that ‘humbly’ has degrees, and that no one is perfectly humble).

Steps Five, Eight, and Nine, provided that we use what in auditing would be called a ‘materiality threshold’, can be completely perfectly, and a failure to do so will likely result in relapse.

When auditors audit a firm’s accounts, they are not looking for every single error; they are looking for errors that result in material misstatement of the accounts. A threshhold is applied, below which errors are ignored as immaterial.

Similarly, in Step Five, every single manifestation of every character defect (in thought, word, and deed) is not trotted out. To do so would be impossible (for reasons of memory alone) and counterproductive: the purpose of the steps is not to stay locked in self-examination but to clear a path to allow God’s power to flow through us into right action on His behalf for our fellows.

A perfect Step Five is one in which the individual conveys all of the character defects she or he has, and character defects, in enumeration, are finite. The St Augustine Prayer Book contains a great listing, and that’s comprehensive but reassuringly finite. Apart from ‘twists of character’, we are to convey ‘dark crannies’ of the past. I take this to be the shameful and difficult secrets. Again, these are finite. If one works down from the worst, one fairly soon arrives at a point where the remaining secrets are merely minor indiscretions, and there is essentially nothing left hiding in the closet that has not in substance been conveyed already.

In practice, therefore, it’s perfectly possible to effect a perfect Step Five.

Similarly, with the judicious application of a materiality threshold, Step Eight is finite, and that sets the bounds of Step Nine: either one has done one’s utmost to set right these wrongs or one has not. The result is measurable, and perfection is thus attainable. The perfection is not one of outcome but effort.

In my case, the threat of relapse did not subside until I had done a reasonably good job on Steps Five, Eight, and Nine, and in particular the entry into the world of the spirit did not occur until, some years later, I completed Steps Five, Eight, and Nine much more satisfactorily, in each case leaving nothing significant inside that was not conveyed and, where applicable, amended.

What's wrong with a Step Five that lasts 20 or 100 hours?

Are there exceptions?

So, does the detail ever get discussed?

So, how do you keep Step Five to one–two hours?

"On the day the Baal Shem Tov was dying, he assigned each of his disciples a task to carry on in his name, to do some of his work. When he finished with all of them, he had one more task. He called the last disciple and gave him this task: to go all over Europe to retell the stories he remembered from the Master. The disciple was very disappointed. This was hardly a prestigious job. But the Baal Shem Tov told him that he would not have to do this forever; he would receive a sign when he should stop and then he could live out the rest of his life in ease.
So off he went, and days and months turned into years and years of telling stories until he felt he had told them in every part of the world. Then he heard of a man in Italy, a nobleman in fact, who would pay a gold ducat for each new story told. So the disciple went to Italy to the nobleman's castle. But to his absolute horror he discovered that he had forgotten all the Baal Shem Tov stories! He couldn't remember a single story. He was mortified. But the nobleman was kind and urged him to stay a few days anyway, in the hope that he would eventually remember something.
But the next day and the next he remembered nothing. Finally, on the third day, the disciple protested that he must go, out of sheer embarrassment. But as he was about to leave, oh, yes, suddenly he remembered one story, and this would prove that he indeed did know the great Baal Shem Tov, for he was the only one there when the story happened. And this is the story he remembered.
Once the Baal Shem Tov told him to harness the horses, for they were about to take a trip to Turkey where at this time of the year the streets were decorated for the Christians' Easter festival. The disciple was upset, for it was well known that Jews were not safe during the Christian Holy Week and Easter. They were fair game for the Christians shouting 'God-killers!' And, in fact, it was the custom during the Easter festival to kill one Jew in reparation.
Still, they went. They went into the city and then into the Jewish quarter, where the Jews were all huddled behind their shutters out of fear. They were secluded, waiting till the festival was over and they could go on out into the streets again in safety. So imagine how startled and surprised they were when the Baal Shem Tov stood up and opened all the windows of the house where they were staying. And furthermore he stood there in full view!
And looking through the window he saw the bishop leading the procession. He was arrayed like a prince with gold vestments, silver mitre, and a diamond-studded staff. The Baal Shem Tov told his disciple, 'Go tell the bishop I want to see him.' Was he out of his mind? Did he want to die? But nothing could deter this order, so the disciple went out and went up to the bishop to tell him that the Baal Shem Tov wanted to see him. The bishop seemed frightened and agitated. But he went. He went and was secluded for three hours with the Baal Shem Tov. Then the Master came out and, without saying anything else, told his disciples they were ready to go back home.
As the disciple finished the story, he was about to apologise to the nobleman for the insignificance of the story, when he suddenly noticed the enormous impact the story had on the nobleman. He had dissolved into tears, and, finally, when he could speak, he said, 'Oh, disciple, your story has just saved my soul! You see, I was there that day. I was that bishop. I had descended from a long line of distinguished rabbis, but, one day, during a period of great persecution, I had abandoned the faith and converted to Christianity. The Christians, of course, were so pleased that, in time, they even made me a bishop. And I had accepted everything, even went along with the killing of the Jews each year, until that one year. The night before the festival, I had a terrible dream of the Day of Judgement, and the danger to my soul. So, when you came, the very next day, with a message from the Baal Shem Tov, I knew that I had to go with you.
For three hours, he and I talked. He told me that there still might be hope for my soul. He told me to sell my goods and retire on what was left and live a life of good deeds and holiness. There might still be hope. And his last words to me were these: 'when a man comes to you and tells you your own story, you will know that your sins are forgiven.'
'So I have been asking everyone I knew for stories from the Baal Shem Tov. And I recognised you immediately when you came, and I was happy. But when I saw that all the stories had been taken from you, I recognised God's judgement. Yet now you have remembered one story, my story, and I know now that the Baal Shem Tov has interceded on my behalf, and that God has forgiven me.'
When a man comes to you and tells you your own story, you know that your sins are forgiven. And when you are forgiven, you are healed."

"Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk." (72:2, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')
"Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?" (86:1)

"He stared at ruin. Ruin stared straight back.
He thought they was old friends. ...
... When the papers were lost
rich with pals' secrets, he thought he had the knack
of ruin. Their paths crossed
and once they crossed in jail; they crossed in bed;
and over an unsigned letter their eyes met,
and in an Asian city
directionless & lurchy at two & three,
or trembling to a telephone's fresh threat, ...
But he noted now that: they were not old friends.
He did not know this one.
This one was a stranger, come to make amends
for all the imposters, and to make it stick."

You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbour as thyself." (153:0)

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine." (Mary Oliver)

"Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things" (Mary Oliver)