“At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view.” (Page 12, Big Book)

“I was standing today in the dark toolshed. The sun was shining outside and through the crack at the top of the door there came a sunbeam. From where I stood that beam of light, with the specks of dust floating in it, was the most striking thing in the place. Everything else was almost pitch-black. I was seeing the beam, not seeing things by it.

Then I moved, so that the beam fell on my eyes. Instantly the whole previous picture vanished. I saw no toolshed, and (above all) no beam. Instead I saw, framed in the irregular cranny at the top of the door, green leaves moving on the branches of a tree outside and beyond that, 90 odd million miles away, the sun. Looking along the beam, and looking at the beam are very different experiences.

But this is only a very simple example of the difference between looking at and looking along. A young man meets a girl. The whole world looks different when he sees her. Her voice reminds him of something he has been trying to remember all his life, and ten minutes casual chat with her is more precious than all the favours that all other women in the world could grant. lie is, as they say, “in love”. Now comes a scientist and describes this young man’s experience from the outside. For him it is all an affair of the young man’s genes and a recognised biological stimulus. That is the difference between looking along the sexual impulse and looking at it.” (C. S. Lewis, Meditation in a Toolshed)

It is very hard to convince someone with no experience of God to believe in God.

Part of the problem is this:

They are looking ‘at’ God from the outside, trying to understand the ideas presented, and judging the ideas as true or false in the same way that a physicist and neurologist might describe precisely what is going on when someone is watching a sunset. The physicist’s and neurologist’s descriptions would yield no valuable information about what watching a sunset is like. Moreover, without implicit trust in the reliability of the scientists and the veracity of their theories, the notion of one particular combination of light effects—and not another—producing particular psychological effects and emotions would seem quite implausible.

An external understanding of the appreciation of a sunset has its own value, but the thing itself is the appreciation.

Thus with God. The theologian, unlike the scientist, is not implicitly trusted. The person with no experience of God takes the theologian’s explanations of God to be fantasies. Someone who simply does not have the retinal apparatus to see colour will simply dismiss others’ appreciation of colourful sunsets as moonshine and will view the theologian’s explanations as hooey. If you had never seen a sunset and had never appreciated one, the physicist’s and neurologist’s explanations might appear logically sound but fundamentally specious, untestable against ‘reality’ and not grounded in any observable experience.

It is only when the retinal apparatus is adjusted and a sunset can finally be appreciated that everything falls into place.

The job with someone who does not believe in God is therefore to convince them that they are actually presently lacking a perceptual faculty. This is virtually impossible to do, however, without patronising and mortally offending the individual. I wouldn’t respond well to that approach.

We are left in an impossible situation. Only someone who is utterly desperate will ‘take our word for it’ and be willing to demonstrate for themselves that what we say is true by undergoing, as it were, the retinal rectification procedure.

Then they will see.

That’s what happened to me.

And I felt a little silly, afterwards. 

“… indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” (Page 25, Big Book)

Sometimes people dismiss religion or spirituality as a myth or a fairy tale, using the two terms interchangeably. These are two entirely distinct categories. Fairy tales are entirely fabricated. Myths are conceptual structures invoked to explain present, demonstrable phenomena. Fairy tales are grounded in nothing. Myths are grounded in reality. You can dismiss a fairy tale. But if you dismiss a myth, you have merely eliminated the analogy. Whatever the analogy explains remains and now demands a different explanation.

What is the phenomenon in AA? Why people who were powerless have acquired power; why people who were heading for destruction suddenly change direction, without such change being consciously or deliberately activated by the person themself or by third parties. Sure, destroy a myth, but there is still a case to answer.

If there is no God (and there might not be), there is a mechanism that has godlike powers to transform an individual life in a way that is indeed miraculous. In other words: a God-like thing that is not God, an inverted tautology, something that is not itself. In other words: a logical contradiction. In other words: nonsense. Which is why I believe in God.

“When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (Page 53, Big Book)

Once one’s decided that the world’s goals are empty—which is a no-brainer—one isn’t losing anything by gambling on God, because if one’s wrong and there’s no God, then one’s no further back than the people who haven’t tried, and the journey will be more pleasant anyway.

If God is nothing, then nothing is anything.

That is why no fear is necessary.

I can’t convince anyone that God exists.

Most people who don’t believe God exists take the non-existence of the metaphysical realm and therefore the non-existence of any divine being within it, a priori, as one of the premises of the discourse. This ‘petitio’—begging the question—prevents any real discussion. As an atheist, my logic was unassailable, but only presuming the premises, and one of the premises was the conclusion I sought to arrive it.

The only way anyone convinced me that God existed was because they were doing better than me.

The theology came later.

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” (Page 59, Big Book)

This could mean a power greater than each individual, or a power greater than the category ‘ourselves’.

On the latter reading, the group or even AA as a whole cannot be the Higher Power.

I used both the group and AA as a whole as a stepping stone, but it was not long before it became apparent that the group or the fellowship could not remove my character defects or provide me with the direction and strength I needed.

I turned my will and life over to the fellowship but that did not stop me from drinking again.

I turned my will and life over to God, and that did stop me.

“the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence of God” (Page 28, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)

A very difficult thing to prove.

One would have to claim proof of the non-existence of a metaphysical realm, which, by virtue of its nature, cannot be ‘sensed’ in the way that entities in the physical realm can be sensed, and whose existence, therefore, cannot be proved or disproved in the way one can prove that Marjory is in the drawing room, knitting, or that there is a half-eaten banana pudding in the fridge. Such proofs could be adduced only philosophically, and, unfortunately, one is up against some pretty heavy-weight philosophers over the history when it comes to the existence of the metaphysical realm. You’d have to prove Kierkegaard and Aristotle wrong. Have at it, but I don’t fancy your odds.

One would also have to prove—even if one conceded that there was a metaphysical realm—that there is no Supreme Being in it. Again, we’re back to the problem of the data.

Proving negatives is thus much harder than proving positives, in general, and in this instance.

It is very hard to assert without direct, physical access to the attic that there are no mice in the attic. But hear one and you can be pretty certain that there are mice in the attic.

The level of proof required against the existence of God is so high that the only reasonable position for the would-be atheist is to claim a preponderance of evidence but withhold final, absolute judgement, in other words to withdraw the premature final judgement or ‘prejudice’.

We’re then looking only for any evidence whatsoever of the existence of the metaphysical realm and of there being an entity within it that is good and powerful and capable of intervening directly in human affairs.

For that, we have Exhibit A: AA.

“My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, ‘Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?’ That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last. It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.” (Chapter One, Big Book)

“We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built. (Chapter Four, Big Book)

To believe something means to accept a proposition because there is sufficient evidence for it.

If there is no evidence, to believe the proposition is insane.

To be willing to believe, on the face of it, suggests the following:

- There is no evidence for the proposition

- Therefore, one does not believe

- Yet one wishes to take the proposition to be true

- This involves abandoning the condition of sufficient evidence

- This involves abandoning the basis for discerning reality at all.

To be willing to believe therefore apparently means being willing to abandon the commitment to reality.

This is obviously not what Bill meant, but this is what the phrase, as it stands, suggests. The problematic wording of this has given rise to no small measure of confusion and difficulty with Step Two. People regularly sense this difficulty, but it is hard to put it into words, and people abandon the question entirely.

What might be meant?

The willingness to believe in Step Two is very specific: it is about the restoration of the individual to sanity, i.e. the restoration of the ability to avoid life-threatening actions (taking a drink). The proposition is that a ‘higher power’ is achieving this.

Now, as an atheist, I did not believe in a higher power. Yet I did, by this point, believe that others in AA, who were ex-drunks, had been restored to sanity. I believed that there was a mechanism that allowed this restoration to sanity. I was therefore in a conflicted position: I did not believe in ‘God’, yet I believed that there was an apparently universal, powerful mechanism in operation beyond the nuts and bolts of material mechanisms and common sense—there was something metaphysical in operation. Once I realised this conflict, I had to unwind my certainty about the non-existence of God and extend the notion of a divine power away from the core sense in Christianity, say, to a more generous and less specified idea: a power that gets drunks sober.

What was required of me was a degree of honesty (that others had indeed been helped in a manner that could not be explained in materialistic terms and therefore apparently had a metaphysical dimension), a degree of open-mindedness (about the nature of the metaphysical realm and the nature of entities within it; in others words I had to reopen the investigation), and a degree of willingness, to take actions to investigate this phenomenon by seeking to undergo it myself (i.e. take the Steps and see if what happened to them—restoration to sanity—would happen to me as well).

In other words, Step Two requires me to recognise I already partly believe something and then to embark on a course of action to complete the investigation and strength and expand the belief, perhaps further specifying what it is I believe.

To be willing to believe can therefore be read as being willing to investigate further what I already believe in broad outline, i.e. being willing to gather evidence to strengthen and broaden my existing belief. This does not involve an abandonment of the commitment to evidence as the basis for belief or discerning reality. I already believed others had been ‘saved’, on the basis of evidence, and reason (an evidential process) suggested what had worked for them would work for me. The willingness was the willingness to proceed towards certainty by gathering more evidence. At no point did need reason be abandoned.

“It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself.” (Page 12, Big Book)

Being willing to believe seems a straightforward idea. After all, ‘willingness’ and ‘belief’ are everyday notions. There is a hitch, however.

Willingness is typically associated with action, but belief is not an action.

What is belief?

To believe a proposition means to assent to its truth, because one ‘sees’ it is true. Seeing is involuntary. One cannot will seeing.

Some simple examples:

I believe that a cat lives at number 43 because:

- I have seen the cat there; OR

- Sally tells me so, and she is reliable; OR

- I can see cat paraphernalia, cat footprints, and cat fur, so I infer a cat lives there.

Respectively, these mechanisms are experience, authority, and inference.

To believe any of these things about the cat cannot be an act of the will: I cannot will the experience of seeing the cat; I cannot will someone’s authority; I cannot will an inference. I cannot therefore will my belief.

What does Bill mean?

Bill W’s logic is often shortcut. He omits steps or uses metonymy.

For instance:

- When he says our lives are unmanageable, he later corrects and says that we are unable to manage our lives because we are powerless over alcohol.

- He says we’re powerless over alcohol when we are really powerless over impulses to drink.

And here is the third great example: We cannot will belief but we can be willing to take actions that are promised to bring about belief.

‘Seeing’ that God exists is the last and involuntary step in the sequence of voluntary steps.

To be willing to believe is to be willing to take the steps to bring about belief.

Five ‘come / came to believe’ quotations:

“An illness of this sort—and we have come to believe it an illness” (Page 18)

“But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.” (Page 25)

“They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking.” (Page 50)

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” (Page 59)

“We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth.” (Page 130)

Once I realise:

- I have a problem

- Others have solved the problem

- They have done this through God

- I can do this through God

- There is a higher realm where I must live

- There is a lower realm where I must act

I have the right philosophy, and I can take the requisite course of action.

“He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him.” (Chapter Seven, Big Book)

The conception of God does not create God and is not altered by it.

In other words, I remain downstream of God, and the conception remains downstream of me.

As the conception changes, God stays the same. The conception grows, but God was infinite all along.

I do not get to choose what God is.

God merely is.

I merely apprehend God.

“Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?” (Chapter 4, Big Book)

What matters is what works. When I was new, I tried to examine Step Two by pondering the question philosophically and theologically. I had no formal training in and very little formal exposure to either philosophy or theology but was quite full of firm opinions, which I knew were right because they were my opinions and not anyone else’s.

Someone pointed out that, whilst I was debating the existence and nature of the fire brigade, the house was on fire, and I might profitably call out the fire brigade in order to be rescued. I might then have a view of the fire brigade based on actual experience.

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.” (Chapter 4, Big Book)

Sally was powerless over alcohol.

She acquired power and was able to stay sober.

She has accessed power.

That power achieved what she couldn’t.

That power is greater than her.

I believe Sally.

I therefore believe that there is a power greater than Sally.

I could not achieve in Sally what that power achieved.

That power is therefore greater than me.

I therefore believe that there is a power greater than me.

I am powerless than alcohol.

Sally was powerless over alcohol.

Whatever provided power to Sally can provide power to me.

I now believe in a power greater than me.

I then do what Sally did.

I then get the results that Sally got.

I now know there is a Power Greater Than Me.

What’s your experience?

“When they talked of a God personal to me, who was love, superhuman strength and direction, I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory.” (Chapter 1, Big Book)

Of course, one can believe in whatever one wishes.

I’ve found that recognising the personhood of God has been vital: a God Who is intelligent, Who understands, Who identifies, and Who, yet, is powerful enough to take the heavy load off me.

How do I know this is real?

1. Nothing else worked.

2. No other illusion worked.

3. It is apparent that illusions do not work.

4. Only the effective works.

5. And this works.

I have a problem (I cannot refrain from taking the first drink).

I cannot solve the problem myself.

I know what to do (do not take the first drink).

My problem is therefore not lack of information.

My problem is I cannot do what I know to do.

My problem is therefore lack of power (= ability).

I know other people who had the same problem.

They have solved the problem (they refrain from taking the first drink).

They have acquired an ability and therefore power.

Let's call that power B.

Power B must have a source.

Let's call that Power A.

That Power is necessarily greater than they are (if it were not, they would not have had the problem).

Which is greater? Power A or me?

I cannot give others the power to stay sober.

Power A is therefore more powerful than me.

Since it is greater than the people and than me, it is a Power greater than ourselves.

Power A is therefore a Power greater than ourselves.

Could Power A solve this problem for me, too?

Everything up to now has been a matter of observation.

This question is a question of speculation, because it concerns the future.

The belief that Power A could solve this problem for me is therefore a question of faith.

It is a question of faith because it concerns a future event, and future events cannot be proven.

Questions of faith are not in opposition to reason, however.

A faith can be 100% reasonable.

What is the reasoning?

Power A has helped many other people of vastly differing characteristics.

I have no characteristics that are not found somewhere amongst such people.

I therefore have no disqualifying characteristic.

It is therefore reasonable to conclude that what has worked for them will work for me.

This leaves only the questions of condition and timing (Step Two refers to could not can: this implies the existence of a condition precedent):

Does Power A grant the ability to stay sober randomly or systematically?

Observation reveals that Power A grants the ability to stay sober systematically (when people work the Steps consistently), and under other circumstances, which need not detain us.

It is therefore reasonable to conclude that, if I work the Steps consistently, Power A will grant me, too, the ability to stay sober.

Does Power A grant this ability straight away or with some delay?

Observation reveals that Power A grants the ability to stay sober as soon as the commitment to the Steps is made (Step Three) and action is taken promptly (Step Four).

It is therefore reasonable to conclude that, if I start working the Steps, Power A will grant me, too, the ability to stay sober straight away.

On the basis of the above, I believe [and have therefore come to believe] that a Power greater than ourselves [Power A] could restore us to sanity [give others and me the ability to stay sober at all times]. 

I have now completed Step Two.

***

Footnote:

Let's now take the word God, strip out all meaning hitherto attributed to it, to the extent that that meaning is redundant, objectionable, or incompatible with the above, and reuse the now stripped-down word to denote Power A.

Stereotypical Barbie's life is falling apart, because the life of the person who is playing with her in the real world is going wrong. She goes to see Weird Barbie, who Understands Things.

Weird Barbie explains to Stereotypical Barbie that she has go on an adventure to fix things and she shows her two shoes: a high-heeled shoe representing the failed status quo, and a Birkenstock sandal representing the way forward, namely the discovery and fixing of what is going wrong in her life. She is asked to choose.

Weird Barbie: You can go back to your regular life and forget any of this ever happened, or you can know the truth about the universe. The choice is now yours.

Stereotypical Barbie: The first one. The high heel.

WB: No. We’ll do a re-do. You’re supposed to want to know.

SB: I don’t.

WB: Mmm. Babe, listen. You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.

SB: I’m not Adventure Barbie. I’m Stereotypical Barbie. I’m like the Barbie you think of when someone says, “Think of a Barbie.” That’s me.

WB: I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.

SB: So there is no option one?

WB: No! You have to fix the rip yourself. Don’t blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules. For you see, if you do not find her and fix things, what’s ugly will become uglier, and what’s weird will become weirder. And then you’ll look like me.

This is a perfect representation of what is going on at the start of recovery.

Everything falls apart and you ask for help. Once you do this, it's too late. You're given two options: keep going on the path you're on or fix the problem. Except it's not really a choice: you're going to have to go forward. Staying where you are really isn't an option. The path is the path: that's just the way it is. Then you take Step Two, Step Three, ... and it looks like you're exercising choice and control. Really you're just going with what is. Mattel—or God—is really in charge. He made the rules, and His system has got this covered.

 ... can be found here.

Step One: The building is burning.

Step Two: There is a stepladder leading out of the burning building.

Step Three: Climb down the Steps to safety.

Summary of Step Two in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Three types of prospect for Step Two:

Someone who:

• Won’t believe in God (the belligerent one)
• Can’t believe in God (someone who has lost faith: four categories)
• Believes God exists but cannot perform the miracle (the devout drunkard)

The belligerent one:

• Houses the belief that man is God
• Answer:
  • Progress is easier than you think
  • Take it easy!
  • There is no specific demand regarding what to believe
  • Take the journey piecemeal
  • Have an open mind
  • Stop fighting
  • Stay out of theological abstractions
  • Take the scientific approach: search and research
  • Look at the facts: AA works!
  • In oneself: simply work the rest of the programme
  • Then, Step Two infiltrates one’s life gradually
  • There are many paths available
  • Look and listen
  • Pick the most suitable path
  • Initially: substitute AA for God
  • Faith in AA is a good starting point
  • But only a starting point: faith then grows
  • Ultimately people talk about a Higher Power or God

Those who have lost faith: four categories

• The indifferent
• The self-sufficient
• The prejudiced
• The defiant (because God has not fulfilled their demands)

The answer for the indifferent

• Personal morality and human will are good but not good enough
• ... at least for alcoholics
• The only answer is to recover faith as a more effective resource

The answer for the self-sufficient

• Behind the self-sufficiency is personal vanity
• Combined with vanity on behalf of mankind as a whole
• False idols of knowledge and thinking
• These are good but not good enough
• Why do we reconsider this position?
• We have to, because we have failed at life
• Intellect is fine as long as it is right-sized (humility)

The answer for the prejudiced

• The problem: condemnation of religion
• The real problem: one’s own negativity
• Negativity is an ego-feeding proposition
• Condemning others made us feel superior
• This way, we could avoid self-examination
• The self-righteousness we condemned was our own
• We had to see past this or else

The answer for the defiant

• Why do we defy God?
• God did not deliver the goods on our Santa list
• Calamities, setbacks, and reversals of fortune
• Reverse the point of view
• Ask not what God is / is not doing for you
• Ask what you can do for God
• We were telling God what He should do
• Rather than asking God what we should do
• We had to substitute reliance for defiance
• We did this based on the observation of others’ reliance
• Ideal:
  • Meet and transcend pain and trials
  • Don’t run
  • Don’t recriminate
• This is faith that works under all conditions
• The price is humility
• However much humility is required, we must pay it

Last category: the devout drunkard

• Believes in God
• Scrupulous in religious observance
• Begs God for help
• Help doesn’t come

The answer for the devout drunkard:

• Recognise the self-deceit
  • We think we’re humble when we’re not
  • We think we’re devout but we’re superficial
  • We mistake emotionalism for true religious feeling
  • The problem is not the quantity of faith but its quality
• We’ve been asking something for nothing
• We have to really clean house
• We have to complete Steps Four through Twelve
• Like the defiant, the devout drunkard treats God like Santa
• Self-deception was the block
• Honest self-appraisal followed by remedial action was the answer

A last point on sanity:

• Alcoholics resist the label ‘insane’ or ‘irrational’
• But look at the facts: are the results of alcoholism sane or rational?
• Sanity can be achieved, however, starting with Step Two

Religion never did anything to me

But people did

Religion is abstract

But religious people, like people, can be jerks: the ideas can be pernicious, too, but the ideas are dead in the water without the people wielding them, so we're back to the people

For now, direct the anger away from the ideas towards the people

I'll come back to that later

Simply reject any ideas that do not help, and keep them off the blank sheet of paper we're about to use

So:

Step One says: I do not, on my own, have the power to stay away from the first drink

My experience of going to meetings told me: other people, like me, did not have that power, but they have acquired that power

Quite literally, they have a acquired greater power than what they could muster on their own, or, if you will, a power greater than themselves

Now, think of that power as a commodity, like groceries

Sure, if there are groceries, there must be a farm and a supply chain or distribution channel

But what matters is the groceries and where to buy them

The way I acquired that power myself was to surrender to a practical programme of action to change my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour

That gave me the power (and direction) to stay sober and thrive

Steps Two and Three in a nutshell:

I did not have power
Others had acquired it
When I did what they did
I got what they got: power

It did not matter what mechanism was behind this: I could figure that out over time if I cared to, or I could let it be

The point is: I did not need to figure it out before I grabbed hold of the programme

You don't need to understand aerodynamics to board a plane

You just need a ticket

And the ticket is the willingness to take action

Three more notes:

(1) Prayer and meditation

Think of prayer as accessing a part of your mind you cannot access through ordinary thought

Think of it as reaching (using words) past the rat-and-lizard brain to a higher part of you, a higher part which is connected to everyone else's higher selves and maybe to other forces in the universe

The part that enjoys music and appreciates nature and looks after kittens and wants to help people in trouble

That part

You don't have to believe in the j-man or in any traditional notions of religion to pray

Prayer is just words of appreciation, affirmation, and request

Think of meditation as a way of sinking past the crappy surface of flotsam and jetsam frantic insta-face-tik-twitter to the peaceful ocean waters below

(2) Who owns the higher power?

No one

Just because some class-A d-bags claim to speak for the higher power does not mean they do

Push past them

They do not have VIP access

You have VIP access whenever you want it

It's humility that brings VIP access to the higher power, not certainty

(3) What about the jerks?

Step Four provides a structured process for getting over the fact there were and are world-class jerks in the world

Detachment and peace are possible, in time

For now, park the jerks

They're not worth stumbling over on your way to recovery

Here are some notes I did for a talk. They can double as a rough guide to the first three Steps.

Introduction

Newcomers to the fellowship or newcomers to the programme? Sometimes people are years sober and are newcomers to the programme. The approach is largely the same with these!

Newcomers to the Steps, or newcomers to the Steps as they are set out in the Big Book? Sometimes people have great experience of some Steps, but with ideas that are fundamentally at odds with those set out in the Big Book, and likewise missing some ideas in the Big Book.

Preface / Forewords / Doctor's Opinion + up to 63: a lot of material!

If the approach is not detailed enough:

• Risk of missing important points
• Without a sufficiently deep experience, there might not be the motivation to get through the harder Steps

If the approach is too detailed:

• People lose steam and give up
• Missing the wood for the trees

Variation:

• There are different approaches for different people
• I've grown, so how I sponsor changes over time, too

This is how I sponsor presently.

Step One (up to page 44)

Six points to cover:

• Physical craving: powerless after the first drink
  • How do I know I'm powerless?
  • If I keep drinking 'too much' (= giving rise to more consequences than I'm comfortable with), the only reasonable explanations are:
    • Stupidity
    • Madness
    • Powerlessness
  • If I am neither dumb nor mad yet keep drinking too much, that's powerlessness
• Entails: no such thing as a safe slip
  • I might do a terrible thing on the slip
  • I might go into a fog that never lifts
• Mental obsession: doomed to have the first drink
  • 'The recurring overpowering delusion that a drink is a good idea'
  • If I keep getting bad consequences yet keep returning to the first drink (which seems a good idea at the time), the only reasonable explanations are:
    • Stupidity
    • Madness
    • Powerlessness
  • If I am neither dumb nor mad yet keep having the first drink, that's powerlessness
• Fatal / progressive / incurable
  • If you drink way too much repeatedly, it'll likely kill you early
  • According to a German doctor I know specialising in alcoholism, you're looking at shortening your life on average by more than 20 years
  • It got worse as I got older and so will likely continue to do so
  • My response to alcohol will never fundamentally change
  • My propensity to bad decision-making will never fundamentally change

• Unmanageability

  • If I can't choose when I drink and I can't choose how much I drink when I drink, I am not in charge of the course of the day
  • I'm not in charge of the course of the day, I'm not in charge of the course of my life
  • That is unmanageability

  By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. [After a few such experiences,] often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, [he would return to us convinced.] (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)

  • Unmanageability is therefore not about consequences but about being trapped in a downward spiral
  • Unmanageability is not disorder, incompetence, or neurosis: these are not singular to alcoholics nor universal amongst alcoholics
  • Being trapped in a downward spiral of alcohol is both singular to and universal amongst alcoholics
  • Powerlessness thus entails unmanageability
  • Powerlessness is the cause; unmanageability is the effect
• Necessity of the Higher Power
  • What happens after the first drink can't be fixed
  • My only hope is to stay away from the first drink
  • If I can't, necessarily something else must empower me, if I am to do this
  • I need a Higher Power to ensure my survival: and that needs to kick in today

Step Two (Chapter 4)

• I need direction and power (this is entailed by Step One)
• Establishing the existence of that power:

In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. (Page 50)

• Were others powerless?
• Have others accessed power?
• There is a Power Greater Than Them!

Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself? (Page 47)

• Either I am greater than other people's Higher Power
• Or other people's Higher Power is greater than me
• Let's test this out: can I get anyone sober?

That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (Page 60)

• Other people couldn't get me sober; I can't get other people sober
• If that Power exists, it is by definition greater not just than them but greater than me
• Relevant scope of that Power: direction and power to stay sober and thrive

God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? (Page 53)

• If power and direction are available, they're available universally, not selectively: they're available to me

What I leave out of Step Two:

• The definition of 'God'
• Theodicy ('the vindication of divine providence in view of the existence of evil')
• The how of it, other than: activating all three sides of the AA triangle is sufficient to access that Power
• Religion in general
• Anything else that gets in the way

These questions are set aside for now and can be returned to later. Generally, they resolve themselves automatically once the Steps have been completed.

Step Three

How it works

Key points to consider (from pages 58 to 60)

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Half measures availed us nothing.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: (a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Step Three Requirement (pages 60 to 62)

We've already decided we have to have God in charge: we cannot be trusted.

Wouldn't it be easier if we turned out lives over gladly?

The point of these two pages: not only is staying sober through God being in charge necessary; it's also the only way of producing effectiveness and contentment more broadly.

We had to let go of all of our old ideas: the whole basis of life must go!

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.

This means that living life believing we have to arrange circumstances to our liking fails every time.

Either we get what we want, and we're disappointed and want something else.

Or we don't (yet) get what we want and we're frightened and angry.

The whole system produces despair.

Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?

I create my own unhappiness, both externally (where I play a contributory role), and internally (where my emotional response to life is 100% down to me).

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

'I' am the problem, and the 'I' has to go.

Step Three Idea

I remain in the driving seat.

But: God is the power and direction.

GPS + GAS.

I have to take action! That's down to me.

You gotta take action to activate your faith: God ain't gonna slide no hotdog under your door.

The contract:

He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.

Taking Step Three

• Am I willing to complete the process I start?
• Am I willing to do so, putting hours a day into the process until it's done?
• Am I willing to maintain the structure of Steps Ten through Twelve as I'm doing it?

If the answers to these questions are satisfactory:

• Adopt the position of God being in charge (an internal matter).
• Say the prayer (sealing the deal / signing the contract).

What next?

Establish / reaffirm the daily routine of Steps Ten through Twelve.

Start Step Four under a sponsor's guidance. 1+ hour a day on a workday. 2+ hours a day on the weekend.

The Great Spirit has a purpose to be achieved through me in the world, which consists in universal and unconditional forgiveness.

The channel for the forgiveness is the network of relationships with all other beings in the universe (expressed through work relationships, family relationships, recovery relationships, etc.)

My material circumstances provide an infrastructure for those relationships. They are merely an instrument.

The Great Spirit transcends the instrument and the channel and is capable of achieving the purpose even if the instrument and channels are compromised or altered.

To attach myself to either channel or instrument is an expression of atheism: that the Great Spirit is not all-powerful.

If the definition of the Great Spirit is supreme, unassailable, limitless power and peace, any conception of that Great Spirit that questions or discounts its omnipotence ceases to be a conception of the Great Spirit and demotes it to an artifact of the universe. Its subservience to a greater power eliminates it from the running but demonstrates the existence of a greater power, and we are back at square one: the existence of a and therefore the Great Spirit. For the Great Spirit to exist at all, even in conception, it must by nature be supreme, unassailable, limitless power and peace. Even one fragment or glimpse of its existence thus proves this universality.

This explains first of all the adequacy of even a modicum, a scintilla, an iota, a mustard seed of faith and secondly the Step Two Proposition, which is that God is all or God is nothing (see the chapter We Agnostics in the Big Book).

Step Two

Big Book, page 46:

"To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men."

In the following song, substitute 'God' for 'Santa Claus', and the idea works pretty well.

Come on everybody!
To Santa Claus’s party.
You may be sure both rich and poor are welcome at Santa’s door.
You don’t need a ticket to Santa Claus’s party.
A lot of toys for girls and boys, and plenty of fun in store.
A Christmas tree’s so high, it floats right through the sky!
And Santa will be there to call “Merry Christmas to you all!”
Come on everybody!
To Santa Claus’s Party.
A cheery grin will get you in, so what are you waiting for?
There’s a baseball bat for Johnny, a talking doll for Jill, and a mountain high of ice cream pie where everyone eats his fill.
There’ll be rides on Santa’s reindeer with the Christmas time patrol, if you’re good they’ll stop at Santa’s shop way up at the old North Pole.
Come on everybody!
To Santa Claus’s party.
You may be sure both rich and poor are welcome at Santa’s door.
You don’t need a ticket to Santa Claus’s party.
A lot of toys for girls and boys, and plenty of fun in store.
A Christmas tree so high, it floats right through the sky!
And Santa will be there to call “Merry Christmas to you all!
Come on everybody!
To Santa Claus’s party.
A cheery grin will get you in at Santa’s Merry Christmas party.

MYLW 123 Unload That Camel (Emmet Fox)

Big Book cross-references:

The Big Book uses the phrase 'had to stop' twice:





This is about exercising the choice of no choice: I had no choice but to stop drinking, so that was what I had to do. I had no choice but to stop doubting the power of God, so that was what I had to do.

When the Big Book was written, it was hoped that the contents of the Book would be sufficient to inspire people. They were, and now we have the AA of today.

Facing disbelief:

Either Dr Bob's right, or I'm right in my disbelief.



I'm going to go with Dr Bob on this one.

I measure the effectiveness with which I have implemented Step Three in my life by looking at my actions in the Step Eleven review: am I maximising the use of the 16 waking hours every day in the service of God, with some time to take the necessary actions to keep the show on the road and to enjoy the ride, as well?

If the answer is yes, and I am indeed fitting myself to be of maximum service, then great!

If not, the problem always lies somewhere in Steps One or Two.

Step One problem: I believe I'm an alcoholic but do not need a full-blown, ongoing spiritual experience to stay sober, i.e. I can adulterate the above attitude and approach to life with admixtures of sloth and purely selfish pursuits; I believe I can have my cake and eat it; I don't believe that the only two options are a spiritual experience or a potentially unstoppable return to active addiction; I believe that half measures will available me just about enough, thank you very much.

Step Two problem: there's no point in throwing myself fully into a wide-eyed trust of God and deployment of my time in His service because it won't work: I have special problems that God cannot solve, because I'm different; God is not omnipotent; in fact, my emotional or practical difficulties stem from beliefs, thinking, and behaviour that God cannot change, because God is actually less powerful than me, maybe five foot two tall, and certainly not as smart as me. So if anyone presents me with an alternative way of believing, thinking, and behaving, which will solve my problem, I'm not going to trust them, because I'm smarter not just than them but than the aggregate of people in AA and people on a spiritual path, and indeed God: I'm not going to give up my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, because I'm literally the smartest person I know and refuse to give any of these up because I'm right.

The answer in both cases is facing reality: go to AA long enough, and pay attention enough, and you'll soon discover that alcoholism is a patient, nasty disease, and that half measures do eventually avail nothing; go to AA long enough, and pay enough attention, and you'll soon discover that God is a patient, benevolent God, and that full measures do eventually avail everything.

God is a word that represents an idea. The idea represents the reality. What is the reality? Power.

What is power? The ability to do something or influence something. What power are we after? The power to stay sober and influence our lives for the better.

Does that power exist? Well, it obviously exists in other people's lives.

In physics, gravity and electricity are available to everyone.

In metaphysics, the same principle applies; if it's available to some people, it must be available to everyone.

How do we establish a relationship with it? The fellowship, steps, service, sponsorship.

Since a word is simply a symbol for an idea, and an idea is simply a symbol for the reality, if one is fine with the reality, the idea and the symbol should not be a problem.

If the word is a problem, it is because a repulsive idea has become accidentally attached to the word, in this case God.

The repulsive idea is one which others hold and which one disagrees with.

First of all, let's practise tolerance: the world is full of people with differing ideas. Let's let them have those ideas, and they can let us have ours.

Now, let's reclaim the word and use it as we wish. There is no statutory, eternal, objective, or immutable relationship between words and ideas, particularly words that are already used extremely flexibly, like nice, good, right, or democracy.

The word God is not like the words avocado, Eiffel Tower, or Austro-Hungarian Empire. It symbolises many notions rather than a single entity.

In mathematics, one might say, 'let x = ...'. In AA, one might say, 'let the word God = ...'

If prejudice against other people's repulsive ideas cannot be gotten over right now, fine, in which case use whatever word or phrase you want: Higher Power, Spirit of the Universe, Great Spirit, Teacher, Love, Jabberwocky, Andrew, really whatever you like. It's just a symbol of the idea, which is a symbol of the reality.

Just like with a trip, it's the destination that matters, not the colour of the ticket or the livery on the aeroplane.

'the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.' (Revelation 12:12)
'Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.' (Step Four, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)

'The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirling around each other at incredible speed. These
tiny bodies are governed by precise laws, and these laws hold true throughout the material world. Science tells us so. We have no reason to doubt it. When, however, the perfectly logical assumption is suggested that underneath the material world and life as we see it, there is an All Powerful, Guiding, Creative Intelligence, right there our perverse streak comes to the surface and we laboriously set out to convince ourselves it isn’t so. We read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we  believe this universe needs no God to explain it. Were our contentions true, it would follow that life originated out of nothing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere.' (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 48 to 49)

The girder looks solid but isn't, at sub-atomic level. How do you know? Physics tells you. The laws of physics are in charge

The world looked chaotic but isn't, on the spiritual level. How do you know? Spirituality tells you. The laws of spirituality are in charge.

You don't have to understand physics to recognise the authority of the physicist.

You don't have to understand spirituality to recognise the authority of someone successfully living by spiritual principles.

I don't know for sure.

I do know that surrender followed by the remaining steps activates God in my life, which generates transformation.

God is that which generates the transformation. The wind is what generates the fluttering of leaves.

A bad idea: figuring it all out.

A good idea: letting God reveal Himself.

In the meantime: God is big, strong, clever, creative, caring, resourceful.

'And who could comprehend a Supreme Being anyhow?' ('Alcoholics Anonymous')

A block I once experienced in the programme was thinking that I needed to understand God before I could make a decision to turn my will and life over to God. The truth has been simpler. I have taken the Steps, and the Steps revealed God to me, albeit in tiny fragments: I would not claim to understand God to any great extent—how could I?—but I understand more than I did before.

If you can stay sober and transform your life on your own resources (intelligence + willpower), good luck to you!

If you can't, it's either curtains, or there's a solution.

If there's a solution, by definition that solution involves a power greater than your own resources (intelligence + willpower).

If you're sober a while in AA and your life is transforming, that higher power is, by definition, operative already. This isn't a matter of belief or faith; it's a matter of observation.

If it's not yet transforming, are you applying the Steps? This is a known method of invoking and activating that higher power. Complete that process, then revisit the considerations above.

Do I need to believe in God? No, because you're asked whether or not to believe in and try to seek a higher power (see above). That may or may not be God. Or it may be the transformative power of human goodness acting in concert. You get to pick.

Do I need to be bothered by other people talking about God? No, because other people get to pick, too, and they've picked God.

Are people ramming God down my throat in AA? Maybe. Or maybe they're just talking about God in their lives, and you're taking it personally. If it's the latter, get over it: they're just talking about themselves. It's not all about you.

If it's the former, well maybe they just haven't learned boundaries yet. Once they've gone to a few Al-Anon meetings, they'll stop assuming that their way is the only way.

Do I have to go to a separate group for agnostics and atheists, if I don't believe in God? No, no more than Buddhists, Christians, Jews, or Muslims need their own group to preserve them from people of other or no religion. Your higher power might be a hitherto unexpected inner resource, the strength of AA as a whole, the power of collective knowledge and experience, the comfort of the group, or something entirely undefinable.

But I find it so hard to listen to people talking about God! Then you have some great material for your Step Four, and some great opportunities to learn the very human virtues of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love. Religious people have to get over the fact that many atheists and agnostics can and do get well without a conception of or belief in a traditional god. The same applies in reverse.

That's exactly what AA is about: unity does not mean uniformity; tolerance means letting other people be different or wrong, and sometimes ultimately more right than we would have cared to admit, and that goes for everyone, believer or not.

Selected definitions (Oxford online dictionary):

believe: Accept that (something) is true, especially without proof.

sanity: The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.

Step One
What negative thinking and behaviour am I stuck in? (Powerlessness)
What are the negative consequences for me and others? (Unmanageability)

Step Two
Have I seen others restored to sanity in this area?
Have I been restored to sanity in other areas?
Is there any reason why the remaining Steps will not restore me to sanity in this area?

Step Three
What will happen if I do not turn my will and life over completely?
What might happen if I do?
Am I willing to question every belief and attitude that lie at the root of my defective thinking and behaviour?
Am I willing to take Steps Four through Twelve in this area?

What is really meant by this binary distinction between religion and spirituality?

Why is this discussion necessary?

Why not leave this discussion be?

WHAT TO DO WITH THE RESULT

What areas of my life have I not turned over (fully) to God?	Why am I afraid to turn these areas over (fully) to God? Fear of	What would God have me be?
1. Work	1.Not being good enough	1.   Trusting, diligent, hard-working, accepting of myself, unselfconscious
	2.   Being sacked	2.   Trusting, open to change, flexible, accepting, unselfconscious
	3.   Not having enough money to live	3.   Grateful for what I have, trusting, accepting
2. Relationship with my partner	4.   My temper	4.   Patient, kind, tolerant, thinking before acting, unprejudiced, flexible
	5.   Rejection	5.   Accepting, trusting, selfless, self-forgetting
	6.   Not getting enough sex	6.   Giving, generous, accepting
3. Relationship with my sponsee	7.   The sponsee not doing what I want him to do	7.   Patient, non-controlling, loving, thoughtful
	8.   The sponsee drinking	8.   Patient, loving, accepting, trusting
	9.   Me failing as a sponsor	9.   Humble about my defects, open to the advice of others, accepting of myself
4. Relationship with my neighbour	10. Noise, being kept awake at night	10. Accepting, thoughtful, patient, understanding
	11. Confrontation	11. Patient, friendly, even-tempered

Step 11 morning meditation

Step 10 watching/"when agitated or doubtful"

Step 11 evening review

. . . we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. (76:1, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

1. Do I believe I will die if I remain trapped in self-centredness?


2. Am I willing, without reservation, to jettison every idea, emotion, and attitude that my Steps Four and Five have shown to be the cause of my ruin, both drunk and sober?


3. Am I willing, without reservation, to forgive everyone for everything, knowing that my anger will kill me if I don't?


4. Must I be rid of my self-centredness at all costs?


5. Am I willing, without reservation, to turn to God in all matters at all times?


6. Am I willing, without reservation, to abandon myself, the way people abandon a sinking ship, with enthusiasm to work and self-sacrifice for others?


7. Am I willing, without reservation, to place the actions of Steps Eight to Twelve above everything?


8. Am I willing to focus solely on others' welfare and my conduct, leaving my welfare and others' conduct to God?

"Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you." (47:0, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

"When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith." (51:0, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

"God had done for him what he could not do for himself." (11:3, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

"... you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face." (44:1–2)

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." (52:3)

"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned." (100:1)

"... they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements." (50:4)

"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now." (58:2)

"Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" (47:2)

"We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He can be found." (55:3)

"If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway. With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you." (55:4)

"... our former thinking was soft and mushy when we threw up our hands in doubt and said 'We don't know.'

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" (53:1–2)

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (58:3)

Am I willing now to let go of every idea, emotion, attitude, plan, and design in this area, and to let God lead me moment by moment to an "un-dreamed-of future" (119:0)?

". . . we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences. Let us make haste to reassure you." (46:1, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

I am certainly of agnostic temperament. When faced with lack, limitation, emptiness, or strife, my typical response is not to cheerfully capitalise it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence (133:0) but to doubt the existence of God or, more commonly these days (as my experience suggests it would be churlish to deny God's existence), to project out onto God the very lack or limitation I am experiencing in my life.

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even thought it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power which is God." (46:1)

'Prejudice' someone once defined for me as an opinion on an experience I have not had. What I need to lay aside when faced with difficulty is the presumption concerning how, if at all, God is going to lead me safely through this particular trial or low spot (cf. 15:0). Where God could and would lead me is necessarily somewhere I could not choose to take myself, because I cannot conceive of it. If I had conceived of it, and understood it for its true nature (the good, perfect, and acceptable will of God), I surely would have taken myself there. Even if I can conceive, vaguely, of the destination, the route may be obscure and I am just as incapacitated. Any presumption on my part as to the destination and route, other than the trust that both will result in the best for me and for those around me, will automatically limit my experience.

'Expressing willingness to believe' is also key: not believing is actually OK. Sometimes, the lack and limitation is so deeply set and has persisted for so long, perhaps below the level of consciousness (as its enormity, for a long time, was too great to face), that believing there is a way out seems preposterous. That being 'willing' to believe is sufficient is, indeed, a great reassurance. And this is not just the last recourse of sceptical newcomers, but an apparently flimsy reed that turns out to be the strong and sure, loving hand of God for people in any phase of spiritual growth who are struggling. Almost axiomatically, if I am experiencing lack and limitation, which derives from nothing more and nothing less than disconnection with God, the source of all my power, and God is eternally available, the problem must lie with me, and, since all problems stems from my mind, with the lack of belief which is causing me to withhold myself from God. 'Willingness to believe' is often, therefore, all I can muster in such situations, as the stuck-ness necessarily flows from disbelief.

The next question is the Step Two proposition:

"crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" (53:2)

If the bridges are burned behind me (could not evade) and the present has become untenable (could not postpone), there is nothing left to lose. That is why this facing is 'fearless'. If I have other cards to play or time to dawdle, I will not face this proposition at all, because there is still something to lose. Gambling on God being everything is . . . well . . . a gamble. Because, in advance, I can never know for sure whether God will come through for me, so God being nothing is always an apparent risk. But there is nothing to fear if I am screwed anyway—I cannot land any further back than where I am starting.

If God is nothing, I have to do the work, and enlist whatever resources are at my disposal. But trying that is what landed me here in the first place.

If God is everything, what I need is complete abandonment—mounting a wild horse and allowing myself to be carried where it knows it must take me rather than saddling a donkey and guiding it with my own reins.

And what does abandonment look like?

"We wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of their problems. . . I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet." (15:1)

I cannot achieve through concentration on the problem a resolution of that problem. I need to remove the blocks between me and God, who can and will solve the problem: if the blindfold is removed, sight is the result, and I will spy the wild horse I need to ride to safety. It's typically me who is in my own way. Work and self-sacrifice for others (15:0) is my best way of getting out of my own way.

"If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer." (87:2—'Alcoholics Anonymous')

The purpose of the first nine Steps is to clear the way so that I can truly begin the journey of developing and strengthening my relationship with God (aka a 'power greater than myself'). A glance at the shelves of libraries containing books on religion reveals that this is not a straightforward matter in practice, regardless of the simplicity of the underlying idea ("Abandon yourself to God as you understand God." (164:2))

There are two options:

(1) reject everything that women and men of religion have said over the last few thousand years on the grounds that what they are writing about is 'religion' and what I am interested in is 'spirituality' and find my own way;

Or

(2) make use of what they offer.

Beating my own path to God seems lovely as an idea. When I see the trouble people throughout history have had even ~with~ huge amounts of guidance, I would be an utter fool to try it in practice. True, I may have whatever concept of a Higher Power I like. "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." (46:2) This does not mean, however, that I must necessarily disregard the ideas, practices, and teachings of those with other conceptions.

I have spent many years attempting Step Eleven with reference only to the relatively sparse material on the matter available in AA literature itself. The material on pages 86–88 is amazing and life-changing. But it gives me merely a starting point. As my life expands and grows, I need an increasingly strong relationship with God to access the strength, inspiration, and direction (85:2) necessary to take care of the problems that present themselves (87:1). My own attempts failed, and I became disillusioned with Step Eleven.

I rejected whole religions and everything their writers, thinkers, and speakers, theologians, philosophers, and practitioners had to offer, on the basis that I disagreed with this particular doctrine, that particular attitude, or the other particular practice.

I particularly suffered from "outgroup homogeneity bias", where I would see groups I did not belong to (e.g. Christians) as a homogeneous entity whilst seeing groups that I do belong to (e.g. AA) as enormously diverse. Some Christian groups would proclaim that I was going to hell because of my sexuality. So I rejected all Christian thought over the last two thousand years.

I thus rejected writers I had not read on the grounds that they were Christian. This is the unreasoning prejudice talked about on p. 48:0 of the Big Book. Ignorance combined with arrogance: "no Christians have anything to offer, because I disagree with some of them on certain matters." And my primary complaint was that Christians were bigoted and prejudiced against all sorts of other groups they disagreed with! As in the words of Ernest Holmes, "Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it." I saw in others only what I was myself: sensitive, obstinate, touchy, unreasoningly prejudiced, and bristling with antagonism (48:0).

Now, I still disagree with certain religious figures or groups on certain matters. Funnily enough, I am right there with men of religion. Is there disagreement ~within~ the Catholic Church on precisely the matters I take issue with? Yes! Is there disagreement within Orthodox Judaism on precisely the matters I take issue with? Oh, boy, yes! Have some of the greatest Catholic and Jewish writers (to take but two religions) themselves been the subject of ridicule and ostracism within their respective faith communities? Absolutely!

The more I examine my prejudice and the consequence—banishing myself from the very wisdom that could help me—the more ridiculous it appears.

There are many paths up the mountain, it is true. Every religion is a donkey that can be used to carry people up the mountain.

My previous attitude can be described as this:

Firstly, I find imperfections in the donkeys. They get people up mountains, alright, but they're not to my liking. Their paraphernalia, bad breath, and unseemly habits I find offputting.

Secondly, I observe that certain wicked people ride donkeys alongside goodhearted women and men of religion. So I blame not the person but the donkey. As if the donkey were to blame for who rides it or how!

Thirdly, because there are wicked people riding imperfect donkeys up the mountain, I reject the mountain as unworthy of my attention.

So I rejected God or even a Higher Power as an asinine figment of fevered minds.

I now take a different attitude.

The donkeys, I can now see, are just donkeys. I have heard interpretations of certain Biblical passages that turn my stomach; I have heard interpretations of the same passages by other interpreters which have opened my heart, changed my life, and brought me closer to God and to my fellow man. It is not the donkey that matters but the way it is ridden.

As in Tradition Eleven ("attraction rather than promotion"), I need to look for people who, in their search for and development of a relationship with God, have found "a degree of stability, happiness, and usefulness" (49:2) I wish to seek myself. There are indeed hate-filled men and women of religion. They do not have what I want. So I ignore their conceptions. Instead, I look for people who have God in their lives and do indeed have what I want ("power, peace, happiness and sense of direction" (50:3)) and ask them what resources they use. And I have been led in many wonderful directions.

Over the years in AA, I have benefited from Chassidic and various Orthodox and Liberal/Reform Jewish writers, a Sufi poet, Taoist writings, American Zen, and a whole range of Christian writers, from Teilhard de Chardin and Anthony de Mello (both frowned on by the Vatican) to the rather more mainstream Teresa of Àvila, plus the likes of Emmet Fox and Charles H. Spurgeon.

Do I believe that Menachem Mendel Schneerson was the Messiah? Nope. Does that affect whether or not I can make use of and learn from those principles he discusses that are in tune with the principles of the AA programme? Not one bit!

Do I believe that evolution explains the variety of life on Earth (as opposed to a week-long act of Creation by God)? Yes! Do I believe in the Graf Wellhausen hypothesis for how the Bible came to be written? Absolutely!

Does that stop me reading Charles H. Spurgeon on matters of faith and carrying the message? Not for a moment! Spurgeon, however, was a creationist who raged against both Darwin and Wellhausen.

If I insisted on reading only those writers whose doctrines mirrored mine in every last detail, my life would be very small indeed and I would probably be drunk, because pages 86–88 of the Big Book do not provide me with sufficient material for a lifetime of Step Eleven.

The more my mind has opened, the more my mind has opened.

The word prejudice is used seven times in We Agnostics:

"We know how he feels. We have shared his honest doubt and prejudice." (45:3)

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God." (46:1)

"Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you." (47:1)

"Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasonable prejudice." (48:0)

". . . we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were." (48:0)

"We, who have traveled this dubious path, beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion." (49:2)

"If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway." (55:3)

This emphasis on the necessity of setting aside prejudice is not by accident, because, as indicated in Appendix II, the principle that will keep me in everlasting ignorance is contempt prior to investigation.

The Traditions can help in clearing away this prejudice:

(1) Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

Unity: I look for the commonality between my search for an ever deeper and stronger relationship with God and the experience of others who have journeyed down the same path. I look for the similarities, not the differences.

(5) Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

My primary purpose is to help others by deepening my relationship with God. If religious material helps, it would be a crime for me to reject it on doctrinal or sectarian grounds. With that purpose in mind, I am directed towards what furthers that purpose in a spirit that fosters progress.

(10) Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

When I read writers of religions I do not belong to, matters that lie beyond my immediate purpose—seeking God's will for me and the power to carry that out—are outside issues and not my concern.

(11) Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

Do I find the principles attractive? Do these writers have, in spiritual terms, what I want? Do they expand my consciousness? Or do they limit it with division, judgement, and anger?

(12) Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

I'm currently reading some Teresa of Àvila. She has some marvellous experience and advice on the matter of prayer. She's also extremely hard on herself. I would not, perhaps, want to go on an extended holiday with her. I imagine she would be rather hard work. But I'm happy to spend time with her discussions of prayer if I focus on the principles she is discussing and set aside her personality.

Above all, I'm an alcoholic who needs help and an alcoholic who will be helped only if he helps others. Whatever helps me to help others I will grab with both hands. Ultimately, as with everything else in AA, my own spiritual bankruptcy was what broke me down and made me willing to listen. I hope this process is not as tedious for you as it was for me!

[Quotations from 'Alcoholics Anonymous']

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." (58:1)

"We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you." (96:1)

"Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism." (114:2)

When I came to AA, I was in bad shape. Bleeding and on fire, as it were. People rushed round, staunched the bleeding, and used the fire extinguisher on me. The relief was wonderful. AA seemed terribly easy. You feel bad, you go to a meeting, and you get relief. I soon found that relief could be found by expressing at meetings what was going on for me. Other people propped me up, reassured me, and told me everything would be fine. It worked, it really did!

". . . hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair." (151:2)

[OK, the passage is about 'sordid places' and drinking, but it is amazing how well the passages in the Big Book about alcoholic drinking equally well describe alcoholic thinking.]

Anyway, keyword: momentarily. Sometimes on the way home from the meeting, sometimes the next day, I would be in as bad a state, about precisely the same problem from which I had sought and gained relief, and off I would trot to my meeting, carrying my fear, my low self-worth, whatever my ten-ton anchor du jour was, hoping to leave it there, not realising it was tied to my ankle.

"This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." (xxix:0)

[Ha! Another passage about drinking that seems neatly to describe a mode of sobriety.]

Relief and recovery are not the same. Relief is a temporary lift. Recovery involves a permanent change (27:4—"Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.")

[Usual disclaimer at this point about the need for constant maintenance and growth: we are not cured, cf. 85:1.]

I have long spent periods since I came to AA seeking relief but not recovery, and I am frankly lucky not to have slipped from God's grace and drunk, because so many friends who have fallen into the same trap are now, themselves, drunk or dead. And today, sadly, I see a lot of other people who "cannot or will not recover", who cannot or will not take the actions set out in the Book, suggested (i.e. offered freely with no coercion) as a programme of recovery (59:2). By contrast, as stated on page 58, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." (In my case, 'never', but the 'rarely' vs 'never' discussion will have to wait for another day.)

The Book is hesitant to determine definitively why not everyone succeeds in AA. This class of punter—"cannot or will not"—is alluded to on three occasions that I can find (see above). The question of whether, individually, they are unable or unwilling is not answered fully on any of these three occasions. The nearest we get is this: "usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves," (58:1) which seems to suggest the former.

Sadly, the phenomenon is common. Even some of the people that wrote the Book died drunk, having later eschewed the disciplines they earlier espoused, thereby proving the principle they had propounded so vehemently: "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that." (14:6)

Having spent so much time NOT recovering whilst attending AA meetings with great regularity, I can share with you what my 'blocks' were to "going to it" (cf. 75:2)—to getting on with the programme, fearlessly, thoroughly, and "now" (59:1)—rather than 'getting round to it' in my own sweet time (aka 'never').

(1) Not believing that drinking again is particular dangerous, so "what's the rush?!" (Problem: not understanding the physical craving, cf. 32:2—"gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not . . . he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.")

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(2) Believing that, because today 'I do not want to drink and remember where I came from', I am necessarily immune from the first drink. (Problem: not understanding the mental obsession, cf. 24:2—"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.")

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(3) Not believing that I need to maintain and grow a spiritual experience (the 'hope' of the alcoholic, cf. 66:1) in order to avoid falling between commas ("at certain times"—the mental obsession) and drinking again.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(4) Believing that I can rely on warning signs to prompt me to vigorous action should the mental obsession loom—not believing that it arrives suddenly (cf. Jim's story, 36:2) and that, once it has arrived, I am on the other side of the looking-glass and it is already too late.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(5) Believing that the codes of morals and better philosophy of life (cf. 44:4) fostered in AA meetings are sufficient without vigorous action to strip away that which separates me from God.

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(6) Believing that, whilst God, sought and found through the Twelve Steps, will keep others' egos at bay and therefore keep them sober, He is not powerful enough to keep me sober: 'God is more powerful than everyone else's egos, but my ego is more powerful than God'.

Delusions of grandeur.

(7) Believing that God must be sought through the Twelve Steps to ensure sobriety but not, when push comes to shove, believing in their sufficiency to solve what strike me as gargantuan and super-complex problems in my life. I will thus wait until they are solved or at least on their way to being solved before embarking on your paltry little Steps—I then avoid seeking that which can solve my problem (cf. 45:2 and 62:1—"Selfishness—self-centeredness") until the problem in all its manifestations is solved.

This is a particularly pernicious trap. To quote Charles H. Spurgeon, "If thou has made some difficulties for thyself, if thou art such a fool as to be tying knots and wanting to get them untied before thou wilt believe in [God], then I have nothing to say to thee, except it were, beware lest thou dost tie a knot that shall destroy thy soul."

Ignorance and self-delusion.

(8) Believing that God must be sought through the Twelve Steps to ensure sobriety but being scared that the Steps will involve so much pain I will be blown apart.

Plain, ol' fear.

The first seven of these problems may be amenable to logical discussion. The eighth is tricky. And it is the eighth that requires genuine faith, faith, for these purposes, being defined as 'the courage to take the action to give me the experience to take me from the belief (in my mind) that God exists to the knowledge (in my heart) that God is all-powerful and -loving'.

The Steps, it is true, are a consuming fire that burns away everything that is not the true self; with the illusions, delusions, and obsessions that are stripped away, many 'externals' (people, places, and things to which you are apparently glued in your heart and mind) are also swept away like matchstick pagodas in a monsoon. However, to quote Luke 21:18 "But there shall not an hair of your head perish."

The faith required, the sleight of hand, is this: no matter what difficulties are presented, no matter what emotions spring to the surface as a result of the Steps, YOU will not be harmed, even if your external life is subject to alarming seismic movements.

Which brings me to the relationship between my Step Twelve and the Steps One and Two of someone I am working with. The prospect will only have the faith and courage to take Step Three (and follow through with the other nine Steps) if the ignorance, self-delusion, delusions of grandeur, and plain ol' fear blocking the first two Steps are relieved, dismantled, or at least temporarily set aside.

Thus, cf. 55:4: "We can only clear the ground a bit. If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway. With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you."

My Step Twelve, in this case, is to testify (cf. above—"testimony") the experience of what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now. Note I am the passive recipient of grace which enables me to take the actions necessary to maintain my connection with God. All that is really required is enough willingness to ask persistently with faith that it shall be given.

"Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

Ultimately, "when many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith." (51:0)

Thus, a lot of testimony may be necessary before prospect comes to believe (a) "in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it" (25:1) and (b) "that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" (59:4).

HOWEVER: I, as a member of AA, am responsible merely for testifying. I am not responsible for the results. I am not responsible for whether a particular prospects 'gets it', makes a decision, and gets on with the Steps. The most trouble I get into is when I try and force this and, rather than letting God demonstrate, through me, what He can do (68:3), develop Little Plans and Designs (63:1) for someone else's recovery.

Stop it! Stop it! (As I was recently told.)

"And go, get you to the captives, to the children of your people, and speak to them and tell them, Thus says the Lord God, whether they will hear or refuse to hear." (Ezekiel 4:11)

Testify—whether they will hear or refuse to hear—, make sure the door is always open, and leave the prospect to walk through it—or not.

Ultimately, another alcoholic's ability or willingness—or lack thereof—is not for me to fathom.

Step One

Does my experience abundantly confirm that, whenever I take any alcohol whatever into my system, something happens both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for me to stop? (22:4)

Do I have any lurking notion that someday I will be immune to alcohol? (33:1)

Do I believe I am unable, at certain times, to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago, let alone the suffering and humiliation of whenever my last drink was? Do I believe I am without defence against the first drink? (24:2)

Do I believe such a defence must come from a Higher Power? (43:3)

Identification of current problems

Is living unsatisfactory? (51:0) → 'Lack'

Am I making heavy going of life? (51:0) → 'Limitation'

Am I baffled by the seeming futility of existence? (51:0) → 'Emptiness'

Have I almost always been in collision with something or somebody? (60:8) → 'Strife'

Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Is my emotional nature controlling me? Am I a prey to misery and depression? Am I having troubling making a living? Am I existing rather than living? Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Am I full of fear? Am I unhappy? Do I seem unable to be of real help to other people? (52:2)

This represents current unmanageability.

Step Two

Can a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life solve these problems? When I wish to be moral or philosophically comforted, and will these things will all my might, do I find that the needed power is not there? Are my human resources, as marshalled by the will, insufficient—have they failed utterly? (44:4)

This represents current powerlessness.

Do I believe that lack of power is my dilemma—that I need to find a power by which I could live? Is it obvious that this Power must be greater than me? (45:1)

Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself, who can lead me beyond where I am now to a resolution of these problems? (47:2)

Have I been keeping God out of the above areas of current unmanageability and powerlessness due to lack of faith?

This represents current agnosticism.

Either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What is our choice? (53:2)

Step Three

Am I convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success? (60:8)

Taking the areas of current powerlessness, unmanageability, and agnosticism:

Am I trying to fulfil any role other than actor/child, with God as the Director/Father? (62:3)

Am I playing the director—in charge of the overall plan?

Am I playing the producer—in charge of the detail?

Am I playing the playwright—in charge of everyone's scripts, including my own?

Am I playing the choreographer—in charge of everyone's moves, including my own?

Am I playing the prompt—in charge of reminding other people of their lines?

Am I playing the critic—in charge of judging and rating?

Am I playing the audience—standing back and shirking my assigned role?

These are areas of current self-will run riot.

Am I willing to quit playing God because it does not work? (62:3)

Proceed from 62:3 ("Next, we decided ...") to 103:3 ("... We have to!"), following the clear-cut directions (29:1).

"The outer world, far from being the prison of circumstances that it is commonly supposed to be, has actually no character whatsoever of its own, either good or bad. It has only the character that we give to it by our own thinking. It is naturally plastic to our thought, and this is so, whether we know it or not, and whether we wish it or not." (Emmet Fox, 'Sermon on the Mount', p. 13)

I've spent a lot of my life living, metaphorically, inside a cardboard box, painting the inside with pictures of what I think the outside world looks like, and then cowering or spitting at it.

If my external world evinces stagnation, that is merely a reflection of stagnation in my inner world of thought.

How do I know my inner world of thought is stagnant? Stuck needles.

How is thought changed?

First of all, I have to come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I had been living it (p. 25, Alcoholics Anonymous). Life, not in any absolute sense, but as I had been living it.

(I have a habit, by the way, of blaming, for my predicament, 'life', whose true nature I'm blinded to, trapped as I am inside my own thoughts, images, ideas, attitudes, and judgements—the painted interior of the cardboard box. What would a passer-by say about that blame, hearing the despair, the shouting and cursing at the painted ghouls from inside the box?

I am so proud of my work—the Sistine Chapel of my mind—that the very suggestion I may be mistaken is highly offensive. What will happen to all that hard work? If I was wrong all along, what does that say about how much time and energy I have wasted? Is lifelong self-delusion really possible? What an appalling prospect!)

People say they're scared of change.

I am not. Not really. What is hopelessness but a fear that nothing will ever change? What is futility but a sense that nothing you do will ever cause change? What is hell but ever decreasing circles, ever-concentrating yet unchanging pain?

No, unless I can experience the hopelessness and futility of my situation, unless the walls close in, I am going to continue the recreational activity of the re-creation of my own thoughts, images, ideas, attitudes, and judgements, and from that will flow the perpetuation of the life I have created around me.

If I can see that stagnation is the problem and my thinking (thoughts, images, ideas, attitudes, and judgements) is the cause, there is a chance that I will start to find my thinking sufficiently "objectionable" (p. 76, Step Six) to abandon myself (p. 164, p. 59), the 'self', here, being the thought-world driven by the ego.

Fear of change? Really? When my radio is kaput and I get the chance to go and buy a brand-spanking new one, I am secretly thrilled, once I get over the anger at the shoddy manufacturing.

"Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?" (p. 52)

I am not scared of change. My ego is afraid of its own death.

Step Seven involves humility—being poor in spirit, which, according to Emmet Fox, means "to have emptied yourself of all desire to exercise personal self-will, and, what is just as important, to have renounced all preconceived opinions ... It means to be willing to set aside your present habits of thought, your present views and prejudices, your present way of life if necessary; to jettison, in fact, anything and everything that can stand in the way of your finding God."

Surprisingly, this is not actually difficult terribly difficult, given the right awareness.

"This sort of thinking [obstinacy, sensitiveness, unreasoning prejudice, etc.] had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness." (p. 48)

I pray, therefore, for a "great persuader" to make itself felt: alcoholic destruction or some other hell of stasis, stagnation, or inexorable deterioration. If I can see with clarity the inevitability of my annihilation—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially—brought about by a mind "fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas" (p. 51), I can, at last, be restored to sanity, I will, at last, recoil from my own mind "as from a hot flame" (p. 84).

Get out of the cardboard box!

(1) When I drink, I can't stop. Powerless. Ain't managing my life.

(2) Left to my own devices, I drink even when I don't want to. Powerless. Ain't managing my life.

(3) Alcohol gave me a sham knock-off of God's grace. Unless I connect with God, I'll drink, because the Promised Land will always call to me in the desert.

(4) Separated from God, I start trying to rearrange the world around me to suit me. Cue collision. Cue failure. Cue resentment. Cue fear. Cue bedevilments. Help!

(5) Enter alcohol, stage left. BOOM.

Cheap grace, or real grace. Your choice.

Up against a brick wall for the thousandth time? Painted into a corner? Feel like a fly banging pointlessly up against a closed window? Know you're snookered but cannot see a way out? Are you several days, weeks, months, or years sober but royally screwed in some other area of your life? Is ruin finally upon you? Are you facing the problem—the mother of them all—which will bring your downfall?

Is God not big, strong, clever, resourceful, creative, or caring enough to help you with this one, even though he appears to have sorted out the drink problem?

Have no fear! Quite literally!

The purpose of this exercise is to take me from Step One (powerlessness and unmanageability) to Step Three (the decision to turn my will and my life over to God) and the consequent action on ANY problem in my life.

The pages references are to 'Alcoholics Anonymous' (the Big Book).

Do I believe that the problem I am suffering from can be conquered only by a spiritual experience? (44:1)

Can I face the fact that I must find a spiritual basis for solving this problem or else? (44:3)

Or else what? (44:3)

Instruction: "But cheer up ... our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted." (44:3)

Can a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life solve my problem? (44:4)

When I wish to be moral or philosophically comforted, and will these things will all my might, do I find that the needed power is not there? (45:0)

Are my human resources, as marshalled by the will, insufficient—have they failed utterly? (45:0)

Do I believe that lack of power is my dilemma—that I need to find a power by which I could live? (45:1)

Is it obvious that that power must be greater than me? (45:1)

Do I have doubt and prejudice [an opinion on an experience I have not had] about God and his ability to solve my problem? What are those doubts and prejudices? (45:2, 45:3)

Prayer: "God, please lay aside for me doubt and prejudice and give me willingness to believe that you, God, can solve this problem, too, the way you have solved other problems." (46:1)

Promise: "We discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however in adequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with him." (p. 46:2)

Instruction: If blocked by conceptions of God that you disagree with or are uncomfortable with, disregard such conceptions!

Promise: "We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men." (46:2)

Prayer: "God, please lay aside for me any prejudice I may have against spiritual terms so I can honestly ask myself what they mean to me." (47:1)

Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself? (47:2) (NB: this does not read 'believe in a Power greater than myself'; the question is merely whether there is such a power.)

Promise: "As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way." (47:2)

Prayer: "God, I can be blocked in my approach to you to solve my problem by obstinacy, sensitiveness, unreasoning prejudice, and touchiness, and I can bristle with antagonism. Please have me abandon this sort of thinking, and cast aside for me such feelings, so that I may approach you. Have me become as open-minded on spiritual matters as I try to be on other questions, so that I can have a new experience with you, God." (48:1)

Do I know people of faith who have a logical idea of what life is all about? Do they demonstrate stability, happiness and usefulness? (49:2)

Is this what I want to seek? (49:2)

Do I know people who, since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, taken a certain attitude toward that Power, and done certain simple things, have had a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking and have found a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction? (50:4)

Is this what I want to seek? (50:4)

Am I, by contrast, baffled by the seeming futility of existence? (51:0)

Am I making heavy going of life? (51:0)

Leaving aside the drink question, is living unsatisfactory? (51:0)

Am I having trouble with personal relationships? (52:2)

Is my emotional nature controlling me? (52:2)

Am I a prey to misery and depression? (52:2)

Am I having troubling making a living? Am I existing rather than living? (52:2)

Do I have a feeling of uselessness? (52:2)

Am I full of fear? (52:2)

Am I unhappy? (52:2)

Do I seem unable to be of real help to other people? (52:2)

Is the solution to these bedevilments more important than any material/practical/external concern of mine? (52:2)

Can I see others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe? (52:3)

Can I stop doubting the power of God? (52:3)

Am I convinced that my ideas—the ideas that have got me to this point—cannot get me any further, on their own? (52:3)

Am I convinced that the God idea will work? (52:3)

Am I crushed by a self-imposed crisis I cannot postpone or evade? (53:2)

Can I fearless face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing, that God either is, or he isn't? (53:2)

What is my choice to be? (53:2)

[If belief is the understanding in my MIND, prior to the experience, that God exists and can solve my problem, and knowing is the understanding in my HEART, after the experience, that God exists and can solve my problem, faith is the courage to leap into action so that I can have the experience to take this understanding from my mind to my heart.]

Do I have the capacity for faith? Have I shown this in other areas, in the past? (54:1)

Do I have the capacity for love or worship? Have I shown these in other areas, in the past? (54:1)

Have calamity [problems], pomp [ego], or worship of other things obscured the fundamental idea of God in me? (55:2)

Can I see that faith in some kind of God is part of my make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend? (55:3)

Can I search for that faith fearlessly? (55:3)

Can I find that Great Reality deep down within me? (55:3)

Prayer: "God, help the testimony of those around me—both inside and outside AA—sweep away prejudice, enable me to think honestly, and encourage me to search diligently within myself. Help me join those people on the Broad Highway. Have me understand that, with this attitude, I cannot fail. Bring to me the consciousness of my belief. As I draw near to you, disclose yourself to me." (55:4, 57:2)

*****

Are these three pertinent ideas clear? (60:4–6)

(a) That I am screwed and cannot manage my own life or this area of my life.
(b) That no human power can solve this problem.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought?

"We had to quit playing God. It didn't work." Am I convinced of this? (60, last paragraph–62:2)

"Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children." (62:3)

Will I now sincerely take this position?

Prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" (63:2)

Promise: "All sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn." (63:1)

*****
"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning ... Though our decision [Step Three] was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us." (63:4)