“All of us have heard and shared in discussions, at Al-Anon meetings, as to whether this should be interpreted as ‘alcohol’ or the ‘alcoholic.’ We have no power over either one.”  (ODAT, 26 March)

Once the alcohol is in the system of an alcoholic, their decision-making is compromised; everything is articulated around the necessity of drinking the next drink. The effect of alcohol on the brain and thus on the conduct of the alcoholic is out of my control.

Only someone who has been repeatedly affected by alcohol will have the compulsion to return to the first drink despite the consequences. This compulsion is a direct effect of the person having been affected by alcohol in the past.

This is why the alcoholic’s protestations about their reasons, their motivations, for drinking to excess are not to be believed: if they had not drunk alcohol, repeatedly, in large quantities, over many years, they would not be saying what they are saying. Alcohol has led to this.

I’m powerless both over the effect of alcohol and the person on whom it has an effect.

“It takes a lot of courage to resist the temptation to take over the alcoholic’s responsibilities, until we accept the fact that we are only hindering his recovery by doing so.” (ODAT, 5 June)

This means I have to let it play out, without rushing in to save, fix, or fulfil someone else’s duties.

What happens?

It falls apart, because it should.

Every time I fix, save, or fulfil I am stopping the other person from growing up, from suffering the consequences of their actions.

No consequences, no change.

As the fixer, saver, and fulfiller, I’m the sine qua non for the continuation of the addiction.

For the addiction to stop, I have to stop with my addiction to the alcoholic (or dysfunctional person or situation).

Do they always get well when I stop interfering?

No, but they never will if I don’t.

“When it was my father I had to learn I could not control his drinking, and I can’t cure it. So for my cousin I don’t have that issue—it’s everyone else that’s affected by his drinking ... I have the tendency to want to save them from being overly affected by his drinking.”

The mistake is thinking that it’s not the same issue.

Alcoholism is alcoholism.

If I can’t control or cure Sally’s, I can’t control or cure Bobby’s either.

Rushing round trying to get between the alcoholic and other people does not work.

It also really annoys people.

Other people are responsible for shielding themselves from the effects by walking away.

If there are minors or the very elderly I’m responsible for, I do have the authority to make decisions, and I have made decisions on behalf of others when it is my practical and moral duty to do so.

But most of the time that is not the case.

In any case, the answer is always recognising substantial powerlessness over pretty much everyone and everything except myself.

But when I change myself, this does have a massive impact on everyone and everything around me.

“The First Step tells me I am powerless over alcohol, which is admittedly stronger than I am, since there was no way for me to keep the drinker away from the bottle.” (ODAT, 24 May)

This means all of the thinking and talking about him and his drinking is a waste of time.

But does it stop at that?

No!

Thinking and talking about others, and the world, and its people, and its problems:

Also a waste of time.

Open the curtains.

Is it still there?

Just as it was yesterday?

Ah, there you have it.

Unmanageability is the corollary of powerlessness.

If I can't control their drinking, I can't control the effects on my life.

Not two separate statements: state of affairs + logical entailment.

What else am I powerless over?

Well, when coming to Al-Anon: my own beliefs, thinking, and behaviour.

As a consequence, I could not manage my life: These are the management tools.

Al-Anon gives me back control and the ability to management my life under God's direction and with God's strength.

Read:

• The Big Book up to page 44
• The preparatory readings from the blog

https://first164.blogspot.com/search/label/Step One (Al-Anon)

There are page numbers quoted below. The number after the colon (:) is the paragraph number. '21:1' therefore means page 21, first full paragraph (any run-on paragraph from the previous page is counted as part of the previous page). Sometimes the reference is to a particular story (e.g. 'Jim'), where the story might extend across up to four pages.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

This is Step One.

To understand Step One from the Al-Anon perspective, we need to understand Step One from the AA perspective first, which is why we're starting with the Big Book. We'll then get on to our powerlessness and unmanageability.

Physical craving

Key idea

Once an alcoholic starts drinking, they're (often, usually, or always) compelled to carry on and on, regardless of consequences. This is not because of circumstances or emotion; this is not because they're dumb or mad; it's because they're built that way. They might always have been like that, or maybe that's how they've become. In any case, that's how they are now. This means they cannot moderate, and they cannot drink safely. Once the alcoholic has had the first drink, they are powerless over how much they drink and what they do.

Relevant passage(s)

• Doctor's Opinion (in general)
• 21:1
• 21:2
• 22:4
• 31:3
• Man of thirty (32)
• 44:1

No such thing as a safe slip

Key idea

When someone relapses, they might never stop drinking, even if they've stopped drinking before. Even one relapse could be fatal, because it could lead to the alcoholic continuing to drink until they die. When an alcoholic relapses, they are powerless over the duration of the relapse. It could be a day, a month, a year, or forever.

Relevant passage(s)

Man of thirty (32)

Mental obsession

Key idea

The mental obsession is the persistently recurring, overpowering impulse to drink despite the consequences. Alcoholics, untreated, will experience this impulse, and sooner or later they will surrender to it. Then, the physical craving kicks in, and they won't be able to stop. The untreated alcoholic is powerless over whether they drink the first drink.

Relevant passage(s)

• 20:6
• 23–44 (in general)
• Man with the hammer (23)
• Certain American businessman (26)
• 24:1
• 24:2
• 24:3
• 30:1
• 34:2
• Jim (35)
• 37:3
• Jaywalker (37)
• Fred (39)
• 44:1

Unmanageability

Key idea

To manage one's life means to manage one's schedule and actions. If the alcoholic is powerless over the first drink and over subsequent drinks, they are not in charge of their schedule or their actions: the impulse to drink and the compulsion to continue drinking are in charge. The alcoholic is not managing their life; their alcoholism is: it's in charge, rather than them. Terrible consequences are a good sign of unmanageability, but some alcoholics have orderly lives and yet their lives are unmanageable, because they're not calling the shots; the mental obsession and the physical craving are calling the shots.

Relevant passage(s)

• 18:1
• 21:2
• Page 3 of Step One in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions':

'Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step? It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those A.A.'s were right . . ." After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us.'

Progressive, fatal, incurable

Key idea

Alcoholism gets worse as the alcoholic gets older. The mental obsession and physical craving strengthen. Alcoholics tend to die decades early. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Only abstinence can arrest the process. Self-will fails to do the job. Only a spiritual awakening can keep the alcoholic away from the first drink permanently. Otherwise, the situation is hopeless.

Relevant passage(s)

• 24:4
• Certain American businessman (26)
• 30:3
• 31:2
• Man of thirty (32)
• 33:3
• 34:1
• 38:3
• 39:1

Necessity of a spiritual awakening

Key idea

The alcoholic's mind is fatally flawed: there's a part of the brain that seems hard-wired to want a drink. Unless the alcoholic has their will and life turned over to a Higher Power, they will drink again. That surrender to a Higher Power then enables the other underlying problems to be gradually sorted out. But it is the surrender that enables the alcoholic to remain sober, even if the impulse to drink arises.

Relevant passage(s)

• 25:3
• Certain American businessman (26)
• 38:3
• 39:1
• 42:2
• 42:3
• 43:2
• 43:3
• 44:1

Exercise 1: Their powerlessness over them

Take each key idea above, find a quotation from the book that helps you remember this, then write a couple of examples of where you have observed this in alcoholics you have known. Be specific and brief. You won't necessarily have examples for everything, but do your best.

Exercise 2: My powerlessness over them

I am powerless over the alcoholic's use of alcohol:

• I am powerless over whether or not they have the first drink
• I am powerless over how much they drink
• I am powerless over what they do when they're drunk

Motto: I did not cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it. (3 'C's)

Write out a bunch of examples (anything from a couple to a dozen) of where you have tried to exercise power and failed, in these areas:

• Whether or not they have the first drink
• How much they drink
• What they do when they're drunk

Be specific and brief. Write enough examples to convince yourself.

These usually take the form of the 4 'M's: management, mothering, manipulation, martyrdom.

These failures to 'control' the alcohol show me that I am powerless over their drinking and its consequences.

Exercise 3: My unmanageability

If there is an out-of-control alcoholic in my life (out of their control, out of my control), things will happen that are out of my control.

Write a list of 20 bad things that you have experienced as a result of having an out-of-control alcoholic in your life.

My powerlessness over me

As an anon, I have really, really unhealthy beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, firstly in my relationships with alcoholics, and secondly in my life more generally.

These are 'hard-wired' into me, and they are activated automatically. I am powerless to change them on my own. When these get activated, I'm on autopilot. I'm not managing my life. They are.

In truth, I'm responsible for my beliefs, thoughts, actions, feelings, and welfare, whilst you're responsible for yours. (Obviously with children, the elderly, and the sick, and in other situations, there are some responsibilities for others, but much of what follows still applies.)

My messed-up patterns are all based on mistakes about responsibility:

When I do not take responsibility for myself

• I deny responsibility for my faults and my life
• I don't look after myself

When I do not let you take responsibility for you

• I make excuses for you and do not hold you to account
• I caretake you

When I make myself responsible for you

• I feel guilty about you
• I control you

When I make you responsible for me

• I blame my experience of life on you
• I try and get you to fix or rescue me

Practical examples

• Annie Wilkes-ing (preventing others from escaping, to keep the power)
• Apologism (making excuses for others' behaviour)
• Attacking (verbal criticism, condemnation, and blame)
• Blame-throwing (blaming others rather than accepting responsibility)
• Bulldozing (implementing plans regardless of others)
• Catastrophisation (exaggerating present or future woe)
• Cold-shouldering (silence, staring, going AWOL)
• Control (directing others overtly)
• Damselling (seeking rescue from a knight)
• Doormatting (putting up with unacceptable behaviour)
• Dramatisation (creating or fostering dramatic situations for attention)
• Fixing (attempting to eliminate others defective beliefs, thinking, and behaviour)
• Infantilising (inducing others to become dependent on us)
• Ingratiation (charm or compliance to curry favour)
• Manipulation (directing others covertly)
• Nursing (treating symptoms but not causes)
• Punishment (deliberately causing suffering)
• Rescuing (attempting to extract people from harmful patterns or situations)
• Retaliation (hitting back because of hurt feelings)
• Slovenliness (not looking after myself)
• Soiling (making a mess to secure sympathy or care)
• Snow Whiting (refusing to look at my own flaws and my own part)

Exercise 4

For each of the behaviour patterns (e.g. 'Attacking'), find a couple of examples of where you have done this, if relevant. Be specific and brief.

Wrap-up

Can I admit:

• They're powerless over alcohol and their lives are unmanageable?
• I'm powerless over alcohol (in them) and my life is unmanageable?
• I'm powerless over me and my life is unmanageable?

In other words:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

So, you go to the railway station, and when you get there, there are lots of trains at different platforms, so you pick one and board it, but to your horror you discover it's a runaway train and can't stop. It crashes into the buffers at another station, way further than you intended to go, and you're slightly injured. But no fear! It was just a runaway train. So you try again, go to the station, and board a different one. This one turns out to be a runaway train, too, but, after a nail-biting few hours, it gradually slows to a stop because of a gradient in the line. Relieved, you try again, and, this time, the train is a perfectly ordinary train, and arrives on schedule: no problems. The brakes work on this one. Thinking you were silly to discern the hand of fate in a run of bad luck, you go to the railway station again, but today's train is indeed another runaway train, and this time it tumbles down a ravine and you break multiple bones. On discharge, you decide to take the train back from the hospital, and, still suffering from multiple fractures, another runaway train takes you on an unexpected trip round the country. This must be really, really bad luck, you think, because, every day, almost every train arrives at its proper destination without incident. The problem just seems to be with the trains you happen to board. That makes no sense, though. It's not just the intercity trains, the suburban trains, the underground trains, the international trains. It could be any of them or none of them. There's no discernable pattern. The worst aspect: it's happening more and more often, and incidents are becoming ever graver. You're baffled and dejected.

One day, on the way back out of the train station after another hair-raising adventure, a gentleman approaches you and asks if you can help him. He would like to tell his story, just for a few minutes, and it will save him from getting on a runaway train. You see some of the scars on his face, and it would be heartless indeed to refuse. So you listen. And he tells you the strangest story. He says: the problem is not the trains. It's the passengers who are the problem. There are certain travellers who actually cause the trains to become runaway trains. These people are attracted to each other, so, on any given runaway train, the passengers will largely comprise a lot of people with this difficulty. They always take a few others along with them who suffer because of the runaway train through no apparent fault of their own. There are those, too, who, curiously, are actually attracted to the runaway-train people. They're just as bashed up and baffled as the runaway-train people themselves. Anyway, here is the bad news: you cannot board a train, as you currently are, without it becoming a runaway train. This information would be sufficient to avoid disaster, except for two reasons. Firstly, it is no good trying to avoid trains altogether: after all, travel is unavoidable. Secondly, and more alarmingly, such people seem strangely obsessed with trying to solve this problem head-on. Some just want the trains they board to be normal. Others quite like the runaway train adventures, except when they go literally off the rails. But either way: they think there's some way of figuring out which train is going to be safe today, and that there's a way of balancing risk and reward. Unfortunately, he goes on to relate, this heartbreaking obsession is both deadly and incurable.

Deadly? Incurable? 'Why aren't you dead yet?', our friend joshes the gentleman. 'Well,' says the gentleman. 'There is actually a solution.' He goes onto explain a programme of actions that have nothing to do with trains, which rearrange the psyche, the mind, of the individual. And then, provided that the individual maintains a few daily habits, he can go to any train station in the world and get on any train, and it will always arrive at its proper destination. You see, the problem lies 100% in the individuals. It's not and was never about the trains.

 

Can AA's share their experience on the Big Book and the Steps it contains with members of other fellowships, e.g. Al-Anon, S-Anon, and guide them through the technical mechanics of the Steps?

Step One says I'm powerless over alcohol & my life has become unmanageable.

That means I'm powerless over alcoholism.

That means I cannot manage it.

By extension:

If I do not accept the things I cannot (and should not) change, I will be angry and/or controlling*, amongst other things. That's a failure to recognise powerlessness. It's also unmanageable.

If I do not change the things I can and should, I will be guilty and/or neglectful*, amongst other things. That's a failure to exercise or access power. It's also unmanageable.

If I do not discern which is which, I will be confused and/or paralysed*. That a failure to exercise or access power. It's also unmanageable.

Exercise:

Where I am angry and/or controlling about the things I cannot (and should not) change?
Where am I guilty and/or neglectful about the things I can (and should) change?
Where am I confused and/or paralysed about which is which?

Do I recognise my powerlessness?
Do I recognise my unmanageability?

*Substitute other negative emotions and unhelpful (non-)behaviour as appropriate.




.

In my healthy relationships, I'm responsible for me (my beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, actions, and inner life) and you're responsible for you (ditto). We interact, engage with other, spend time together, and spend time apart. There is nothing in the way.

In my unhealthy relationships, I'm not responsible for me but I am responsible for you (fill in the blanks, as above), and you're not responsible for you but you are responsible for me (ditto) ... and wham! Suddenly there's a third entity in the room. The Relationship. Picture a malevolent goblin. Or The Relationship as a game of chess we play with each other to avoid actually being close to each other.

We then proceed to talk about The Relationship, with various combinations of self-justification, lack of self-care, control, bulldozing, string-pulling, button-pushing, martyrdom, saving, inappropriate responsibility-taking ('if you feel something, it must be my fault'), nursing, Annie Wilkes-ing (remember Misery? ... hammering your ankles so you can't walk and have to stay with me), exonerating, doormat-ing, blame-throwing, and playing Damsel In Distress/Penelope Pitstop. Ugh. What a mess!

Powerlessness: I'm powerless over you. I'm also powerless over me.

Unmanageability: being driven by negative emotions, full of plotting and scheming to rearrange you to change my negative emotions. Result: external and internal chaos.

Insanity: keeping at something that does not work.

If I access God, I gain power. Then I can exercise power in my life, and my interaction with you changes automatically. Power enables detachment (as I'm relying on God, not you), and with detachment comes peace.

The four errors of the codependent and the associated behaviours and mental states. A summary:

I’m responsible for you: control and guilt

I’m not responsible for me: self-neglect and self-justification

You’re not responsible for you: caretaking and exoneration

You are responsible for me: rescuer-seeking and blame

One way of rewording the 'powerlessness + unmanageability' combo for any problem:

Step One: I persistently return to destructive patterns.

That could be alcohol, sex-related acting out, romance-related acting out, gambling, pills, drugs, starvation, binging, purging, etc. Some of these are mine.

In Al-Anon: there are four destructive patterns (with variants) I see in my case:

(1) Taking responsibility where it's not my mine to take

• Trying to control your addiction, recovery, or life
• Offering you solutions you already have
• Working those solutions for you
• Creating a crisis
• Martyrdom, mothering, managing, manipulation

(2) Not taking responsibility where it is mine to take

• Neglect of my own needs, duties, and enjoyment of life

(3) Giving you responsibility where it's not yours to take

• Blaming you for what is not your fault
• Asking you to rescue me
• Relying on you for energy, creativity, spontaneity, and passion

(4) Denying your responsibility where it is yours to take

• Permitting unhealthy behaviour beyond reasonable bounds of tolerance / not setting boundaries
• Making excuses / covering up
• Denying the effect of your conduct on me
• Preventing a crisis when it is in the natural course of things

That's the baseline, and that's what the Steps, Traditions, Concepts, Fellowship, and Service have solved for me.

The pre-Al-Anon recovery state in me:

I take responsibility for things I am not responsible for.

Manifests as: control, interference, bulldozing, worry, plotting, scheming, fretting, belief I have caused everything that goes on around me, including how other people think, behave, and feel.

I feel: frightened, high on the perceived power, angry, frustrated, disappointed with others, critical.

I do not take responsibility for things I am responsible for.

Manifests as: neglect of my own life because I'm too busy with the above.

I feel: claustrophic, guilty and ashamed, embarrassed, empty, despairing that anything will ever get sorted out, frightened that there will never be any time for me.

I deny your responsibility for things you are responsible for.

Manifests as: caretaking, worry, plotting, scheming, fretting.

I feel: loved, needed, wanted, but frustrated when things do not work out and increasingly angry at the person I caretake, plus raging when I stop caretaking but am faced with careseekers and/or their reactions to my new boundaries.

I give you responsibility for things you are not responsible for.

Manifests as: careseeking, blame, and manipulation.

I feel: looked after, vindicated, relieved of guilt, but angry when you don't behave how I want.

The solution I've found through Al-Anon friends, tapes, and literature:

I am 100% responsible for my beliefs, thoughts, actions, and feelings. You are 100% responsible for yours. In joint situations I have a part to play, but ask God for that part. Outcomes are none of my business. My chief responsibility is to look after my own recovery and wellbeing then devote spare energies to serving God in ways which don't (a) go beyond the scope of my duties or (b) deny your responsibility for your own life. I set boundaries kindly and stick to them. I do not blame anyone for how I am feeling. I recognise that the destination is printed clearly on the ticket whenever I have become entangled, and I have invariably made a decision based on self that has later placed me in a position to be hurt. Ultimately, I rely on God not others, but God works through others.

On a good day I can achieve this. On a bad day I can learn how best to walk towards this ideal tomorrow.

In principle, I have power over my thoughts. As a result, I have power over my actions, my words, my feelings, my internal life, and to some extent my external life.

In principle, you have power over your thoughts and, as a result, your actions, your words, your feelings, your internal life, and to some extent your external life.

I have some power to affect your thoughts, and thus the rest.

You have some power to affect my thoughts, and thus the rest.

I can affect your thoughts only with your permission, however.

You can affect my thoughts only with my permission, however.

When I recognise who has power over what and act accordingly, my life is harmonious. When I do not, my life is disorderly, hence unmanageable.

In the disorder of Al-Anonism, Step One manifests in four ways:

[In all cases, for thoughts read thoughts, actions, words, feelings, internal life, and to some extent external life.]

1. Denying my power over my thoughts

When spiritual sickness blocks my power over my thoughts: unmanageability (distress and disorder) follows.

2. Denying my powerlessness over others' thoughts

When I try to control others' thoughts: unmanageability (distress and disorder) follows.

3. Denying others' power over their thoughts

When I feel responsible for others' thoughts: unmanageability (distress and disorder) follows.

4. Denying others' powerlessness over my thoughts

When I hold others responsible for my thoughts: unmanageability (distress and disorder) follows.

Exercise

Once alcoholics start drinking, they cannot stop when they want to. The gorilla lets go when the gorilla is done.

Once Al-Anons start fooling with an alcoholic, they cannot stop when they want to. The gorilla lets go when the gorilla is done.

Alcoholics have a blind spot when it comes to alcohol. No matter how terrible the experience, the alcoholic will always go back to alcohol, without a spiritual awakening.

Al-Anons have a blind spot when it comes to alcoholics. No matter how terrible the experience, the Al-Anon will always go back to the alcoholic, or find a new one, unless he or she, the Al-Anon, has a spiritual awakening.

If you have discovered yourself, one more time, entangled in a merciless, enthralling bind with an alcoholic, and you are being cut to ribbons, Al-Anon may be for you, no matter how cute the alcoholic is.

I'm an alcoholic. But I also know alcoholics. Sometimes they drink, and you ask yourself questions like, 'do they not care about me any more?' The personality has changed, and the love, affection, attention, or other good characteristics have disappeared. One is left only with the alcoholic's lizard brain: bring me flies; give me warmth. The alcoholic appears to be himself, in one way, but the 'self' is being used by the disease. The same applies to the anger, the withdrawal, the reproach, the insinuation, the prevarication, the inconsistency, the confusion, and other characteristics that arise and flower in the shadow of the terrible, vengeful God of the ego.

The body is moving, the lips are moving, the eyes are glinting, but the alcoholic is asleep. One would not attempt to make sense of the verbal ramblings of a sleepwalker; one would not take anything he says personally. The same is true of the drinking alcoholic: what they say is emanating from sleep, albeit, but perhaps most pertinently, spiritual sleep.

You know what? The same applies to alcoholics who are sober but are on an emotional jag. The body is moving, the lips are moving, the eyes are glinting, but the sober alcoholic is asleep. What they say out of fear, masking anger, or out of anger, masking fear, is but an emanation of someone sleep-talking.

Do not try to awake him; he will appear to awaken but still be asleep; the process cannot be forced. Do not take anything he says personally. Do not wonder where the person you remember has gone. Do not wonder if the love previously expressed was a lie. The person is merely asleep. Let him sleep. Do not hover over the bed, keeping a vigil; go and find others who are also awake and hang out there. Let him sleep in peace for as long as he needs.